Good evening. Our top story tonight: In order to bolster his image as somebody with a firm grasp of the principles of irony, President George Junior held a summit on the economy in Waco, Texas. The summit only lasted half a day, and President Junior only attended half the sessions, undoubtedly to give him more time to plan the serious spanking he intends to give Iraqi bad boy Saddam Hussein. Deadline News has received a transcript of the proceedings, which read, in part: “The…economy…is…sound. The…fundamentals…are…strong. The…President…is…doing…an…excellent…job.”
Good god! It’s the attack of the Stepford economists!
As a result of this confidence building exercise, the Dow Jones Industrial Average lost 206 points. Perhaps it’s just as well the summit only lasted half a day: the American people obviously know the difference between confidence building and a confidence trick.
In a related story: Amazing Disappearing Vice President Dick “Now You See Him, Now You Don’t” Cheney popped his head out of a hole long enough to say that the United States must oust Hussein before the Iraqi dictator gets his hands on nuclear weapons. (Why do I get the urge to play Whack-a-Mole on those rare occasions when Cheney makes public statements?) Obviously, for his retirement, Cheney is positioning himself as the logical head of the Washington Branch of Pre-Crime. Don’t take any wooden clairvoyants, Dick.
In other news: Prime Minister Jean Chretien recently announced that he will be stepping down…in 18 months. In the week since the announcement, the Globe, Star, Sun and Post ran approximately 112 articles on the Liberal leadership race even though it will have no effect on and is of no interest whatsoever to the vast majority of average Canadians! Oh, dear. For a moment, there, I had a flashback to my days as narrator of the Believe It or Not! cartoons. I really gotta cut down on the bold face type.
As we approach the first anniversary of the War on Afghanistan, warlords in the Provinces outside the capital of Kabul are planning a 21 gun salute, with each other as targets. Crazy sentimental kids. I’m sure an exploding greeting card would have sufficed.
McDonald’s Corporation is being accused of cultural insensitivity for launching a McAfrica burger in Oslo at the same time that millions are expected to starve to death on that poor continent. In response, the company has decided to scrap plans for McBlackHoleofCalcutta nuggets and McIrishPotatoFamine fries.
On the local scene: Education Minister Elizabeth Witmer has taken over the elected Toronto School Board because it refused to work within a Provincially mandated funding formula, causing it to run a deficit. Hmm…a Board of Education that flunked math or a Provincial government that flunked civics… Tough choice.
In entertainment news: ‘N Sync singer Lance Bass may not be going into space after all because he has not paid the Russian space agency Rosaviakosmos its $20 million fee. (And, I thought I was doing well in my 20s because I could afford my own apartment.) One cosmonaut commented that if the American musician was replaced by a cargo container, “At least we would have more interesting conversation on the trip.”
Jason Priestley’s head was completely severed from his body in a car racing accident recently, but his agent has assured reporters that this would not slow down the actor’s career in the slightest. In fact, his body has already been signed to be a semi-regular guest star on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and his head will be starring in an as yet untitled Disney project. “The whole incident just underscores how versatile Jason really is,” his agent shamelessly schmoozed.
A video game company is offering $10,000 worth of American savings bonds to the first family to name its child after the hero of its latest game: Turok: Evolution. Naming your kid Turok may not be worth it, though: $10,000 will only pay for the first year of his therapy sessions, less if your child is a girl…
In a story we ran 15 years ago, Deadline News reported that former President Richard Nixon had been approached by Maxell to perform in a television commercial for its audio tapes. Although Nixon agreed to be interviewed, his response consisted of 17 minutes of silence. Apparently, this was incorrect. However, since it was so long ago and Nixon is no longer haunting Washington – well, not physically, anyway – correcting the record doesn’t seem to be worth anybody’s time or effort.
And, now, a Deadline News editorial: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! You may think this is overstating the case. My response is: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Well, that’s my opinion, anyway.
And, finally, the slogan of The Globe and Mail is “perspective is everything.” Would it be too much to ask for information to be included, or can we expect the Globe to start marketing itself as a “perspectivepaper?”
Good night.