Good evening. Our top story tonight: a tentative agreement has been reached between six of the seven members countries of the G-7 to stabilize foreign exchange rates in an attempt to halt the decline of the American dollar on world markets. Through our sources in Paris, Deadline News has received an exclusive partial transcript of the delicate international negotiations:
“If the United States doesn’t do something about its dollar, we will be forced to let the mark drop. By the time we’re through, you won’t be able to buy an egg with one!”
“Hear, hear! We’ll let the pound drop so low, you won’t be able to buy a stick of gum with one!”
“Damn straight! We’ll let our dollar drop so low, you won’t be able to buy a breath of fresh air with it!”
“Your dollar’s already so low you can’t get a breath of fresh air with it, Michael.”
“Yes, but now it will be official government policy!”
“Italy refused to send a delegate, so the lira is on its own.”
“I agree with all of you. If action isn’t taken immediately, we’ll let the yen drop so low it could limbo under a snake!”
Sources within the American Finance Department have responded, “Gee, I think international cooperation is a swell thing and all, but I’ve never seen so many countries so anxious to bankrupt themselves in my entire life!”
In other news: reaction to Finance Minister Michael Wilson’s budget, affectionately referred to as The Little Budget That Couldn’t and The Black Hole of Ottawa, continued. In its defense, one Finance official, quoted completely out of context, stated, “What did you expect? We’re saving all the goodies for next year’s budget so we’ll look good before an election.” Our retraction is forthcoming.
Well, you know it had to happen sooner or later: Brazil stopped paying interest on its debt of $143 billion in order to renegotiate its payments. Although bank stocks dropped after the announcement, indicating a certain amount of concern, both US Treasury Secretary James Baker and Federal Reserve Board Chairman Paul Volcker said that they were certain Brazil would resume its payments upon successful renegotiation. I’d hate to see the size of the tooth Brazilian President Jose Sarney will have to put under his pillow to make that wish come true!
But, hey, is this Deadline News or Wall Street Week in Review?
According to sources within the White House, Chief of staff Donald Regan will soon be pounding the pavement in order to find gainful employment. Although he created a misleading chronology of events in the Iranian arms scandal, urged other top officials to follow it and was “not fully candid” during the hearings which followed, President Ronald Reagan, whose memory is rumoured to be the subject of a future episode of Leonard Nimoy’s In Search Of…, stood by Regan until he made the mistake of hanging up on Nancy during a briefing.
Meanwhile, in response to the question of who really runs the government, the Tower Commission is expected to exonerate the First Lady from any wrongdoing in the affair.
Greenpeace claimed that four of its members had infiltrated the Canadian Forces Base at Cold Lake in anticipation of the latest American Cruise Missile test, and were prepared to position themselves under the missile as it falls to protest Canada’s involvement. In an exclusive interview, Canadian General Delbert Ivory told Deadline News: “Who are they kidding? If this test is anything like the others, the target range will be the safest place on the continent!” Greenpeace is considering stationing members in Calgary, Montreal and Gander, just in case.
Lawyer John Sopinka, who represented Sinclair Stevens before the Parker Commission, recently suggested that the media be made to pay the costs of inquiries undertaken because of their stories. In response, Torrence Delacorte, President of the Society for the Perpetuation of All Stereotypes of Mouthpieces (SPASM), stated, “Okay, but only if lawyers are prepared to pay court costs for unnecessary litigation they talk their clients into!”
Oh, and, John, if you come down to the studio, I’d be happy to give you my two cents worth in person.
On the local scene: the Province of Ontario joined with several American states in the US Supreme Court to stop a utility company from polluting the environment. Premier David Peterson, who was unavailable for comment, stated, “Obviously, the federal government’s policy of constructive engagement with the Americans doesn’t work.”
It’s a familiar story, big guy.
On the entertainment scene: do you remember what I said about the Juno Awards? Well, it goes double for the Grammies.
The Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, under pressure from the realities of life in the eighties, has agreed to accept advertising promoting condoms as a means of safe sex and to avoid AIDS. The ads will not mention brand names, and will be tastefully done, so I guess my choice of slogan – “Like your mother always told you, don’t go out without your rubbers!” – is right out.
And, now, a Deadline News editorial. Recently, Liberal leader John Turner said that scandals are not good for the political process, that good people will be discouraged from seeking public office. Would it be cynical to point out that Turner made his remarks after the House adjourned, when he could be reasonably certain that no more scandals were forthcoming? I know it would be cynical to suggest that Turner’s sentiment is at least 20 years too late. Well, that’s my opinion, anyway.
In a story last week, we reported that guards will be posted in washrooms to stop thieves from stealing the urine of American civil servants being tested for drugs. Apparently, this was incorrect. The guards will be posted outside washrooms to ensure that the samples are genuine. We were right about the blue water in the toilet bowls, however.
We regret any confusion our error might have caused.
And, finally: a personal message to the people who protested outside Massey Hall during last night’s performance of the Red Army Chorus: haven’t you heard? Russia has decided to acknowledge the existence of Boris Pasternak’s Doctor Zhivago. Will nothing be enough for you people?
Good night.