Good evening. Our top story tonight: tension continued to mount – I’ve always wanted to say that – tension continued to mount as the United States announced economic sanctions against Libya in response to Libya’s alleged participation in recent terrorist activities. The big question on everybody’s mind, “Why is Muammar Khadafy so gosh-darned mad at everybody?” may have been answered when a CIA agent known only as “Deep Stoat” leaked the information that, in late 1968, Khadafy was refused a regular spot on the American TV game show Hollywood Squares. Rumours that the intelligence agency asked Gary Marshall to recreate the programme in order to “get that maniac off our backs” have yet to be confirmed.
In other news: US President Ronald Reagan stated that relations between Canada and the United States were so strong that, ‘We’re not only friends and neighbours, we’re cousins.” In response, an official in the External Affairs Department in Ottawa, who asked not to be named, said, “Does this mean that what they’re trying to do to us in free trade negotiations is incest?”
When asked why opinion polls showed him to be the most personally popular of the three Ottawa party leaders, New Democrat Edward Broadbent replied, “I guess it’s because of my mother.” Not to be outdone, Prime Minister Brian Mulroney, when asked why the dollar continued to do poorly on international money markets, stated, “It could, I suppose, be because of my mother.” Liberal leader John Turner, asked about his party’s ineffectual role as official opposition, explained, “It probably has something to do with my mother. Why don’t you ask her?”
All three women were unavailable for comment.
According to the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws, marijuana was the largest cash crop in the United States last year, with a total value of $18.6 billion. “We beshees de snort snort,” NORML spokesperson Jackson Witherspoon stated in a press conference. “In pink, purple, blue and orange. Is defenestrable, but, and I want to make this perfectly glandular, marijuana does not affect a person’s ability to deal with reality!” He then proceeded to laugh for several hours.
The US agriculture department disagreed with NORML’s figures, petulantly pointing out that the value of the 1985 corn havest was at least $20.4 billion. Representatives of the National Organization for the Reform of Corn Laws (NORCL) stated that there were no significant corn laws on the books and proceeded to shut up.
Environmentalists were reported to be very, very upset over the results of a joint American/Canadian report on acid rain, which did not recommend any changes in the polluting patterns of American business and failed to set a timetable for reductions in American pollution. “That’s fine,” said David Suzuki, noted environmentalist and a man who wields a mean pool cue. “When the Americans want to buy our water, it will no longer be drinkable!”
He always knows where the silver linings are hidden, doesn’t he?
On the local scene: the citizens’ defense group known as the Guardian Angels is going to attempt, for the second time, to establish itself in Toronto, according to leader Curtis Sliwa. “But, this time,” Sliwa sais, “we’re going to recruit wimps who can barely defend themselves, let alone other people. That should satisfy everybody.” Toronto Mayor Art Eggleton was reported to have grinned for a long, long time.
And, now, a Deadline News Editorial. According to Moral Majority leader Jerry Falwell, the Christian fundamentalist group is merging with other groups into something called the Liberty Federation. Why? Is Jerry Falwell no longer satisfied with a majority? Can we expect a Moral Ninety-five Per Cent organization to spring up in the future? The implications to the American democratic system are clear; the time to act is now. Start your own fundamentalist Christian organization! Well, that’s my opinion, anyway.
In a story last week, we reported that pop star Prince had said, “What do you mean, I’m not on the list of the 20 hottest rock stars or groups? Bruce Springsteen? U2? What do those guys have that I don’t have? And, how can I get some?” Apparently, this was incorrect. Actually, it was United States President Ronald Reagan, commenting on his son’s upcoming stint as host of Saturday Night Live, who said, “Well, I’m not sure I understand this younger generation. But, we’ve always encouraged Ron Junior to do his own thing, and, if we don’t like how it turns out, we can always have the Secret Service confine him to his room for several years. Hee hee. Just kidding, Ron.”
We regret any confusion our mistake may have caused.
And, finally, with the arrival of the new year, the past week was a time of reflection on the events of the year just passed and contemplation of the events of the year to come. Unfortunately, the year just passed was pretty boring, and the year to come looks fairly predictable. Ah, well; there’s always next year…
Good night.