Good evening. Our top story tonight: Liberal Senator Jacques Hebert’s fast ended last week, but the repercussions are still being felt around the world as politicians everywhere have adopted fasting as a legitimate political act. United States President Ronald Reagan, fasting until his $100 million aid package to the Nicaraguan contras is passed by Congress, joins Soviet Premier Mikhail Gorbachev, who is fasting until every Russian citizen stops drinking Vodka, Saudi Arabia’s Sheik Yamani, fasting until world oil production is drastically reduced, Libya’s Muammar Khadafy, who is fasting just for the hell of it, and dozens of other world leaders with a bone to pick. Political scientists are warning that such actions could undermine legitimate political processes and weaken international relations, but political scientists are always warning about such things, and, as usual, they were roundly ignored.
In a related story: it has been confirmed that a teddy bear, to be named Katimavik and looking suspiciously like Senator Hebert, will be created and sold to support whatever volunteer programme replaces Katimavik. According to early reports, if you press the teddy bear’s stomach, it lectures at length about the plight of Canada’s young people. If you pat it on the head, it shuts up.
In other news: as President Reagan decides how he is going to respond to Libya’s promotion of anti-American terrorist activities, it was announced yesterday that Colonel Khadafy has made it into the Guinness World Book of Records as the world leader with the greatest number of official spelling of his last name, 17 at last count. In second place was everybody else with one.
Saudi Arabia’s Sheik Yamani urged European and North American oil producing nations to reduce their output to help stabilize world oil prices this past week. In return, he said, they would be offered their choice of OPEC t-shirts, a coffee mug with the inscription “Here’s mud in your well” or a small, gold-trimmed appreciatory plaque. So far, the only response has been a snort of derision from British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher.
The evidence continues to mount that Kurt Waldheim, former Secretary General of the United Nations and currently a candidate for Chancellor of Austria, was a member of the Mickey Mouse Fan Club early in the 1950s. Israel, poring over UN documents, claims that Waldheim’s name clearly appears on Mouseketeer roll calls and mailing lists. Waldheim, who originally denied the allegations, has since admitted that he was a member of the organization, but he wasn’t aware of how silly its aims or actions were. Surprisingly, Waldheim’s popularity in Austria has increased since the story first broke, although some UN officials have had the grace to wonder how a former Musketeer could have led their organization for so long.
We were planning to do a story on Sondra Gotlieb, wife of Canadian Ambassador to the United States Alan Gotlieb, who, if you’ll pardon the pun, hit the news last week when she slapped her social secretary, Connie Connor. But, we sat back, had a coffee and realized that the whole thing had been blown out of all proportion by the press, and was really no big deal. So, forget I even mentioned it.
On the local scene: the question of what will happen to Vancouver residents who have been evicted from their apartments to make way for tourists to Expo 86 may have been answered when several of them turned up lounging around the pavilions of the world’s fair. “There they were,” one spokeman for Expo, a spot welder on the night shift in the Albania pavilion who otherwise refused to be identified, said, “draped over some of the technology exhibits, using nuclear power plant mock-ups to make tea. I mean…really!” Vancouver officials, who had refused to take action against the landlords, refused comment, but were seen smiling broadly to themselves.
The Committee of Concerned Psychiatrists urged a walkout to protest Ontario’s ban on extra-billing, saying, “If we’re out for several weeks, we’ll be helping our patients by teaching them hoe to cope with reality on their own.” In response, Premier David Peterson should have said, “Yes, and if they’re out long enough, it will teach their patients how to live without their help altogether!” In response to the Premier’s ersatz response, the CCP would likely state that he and Liberal Health Minister Murray Elston were obviously mentally unstable and give them each a loud raspberry.
In the aftermath of the Helmuth Buxbaum murder trial, three books have already been published on the subject, and at least 15 others are said to be in the works. These include a volume of impressionist poetry, two cook books and The Helmuth Buxbaum Health and Exercise Book. There may even be a colouring book for the children. Who says journalism isn’t an important force in our society?
For the 100,000 young people whose classes have been canceled because of the Separate School Board teachers’ strike, I have been asked to pass on the following message: get your hair cut!
And, now, a Deadline News editorial. Clint Eastwood had become the laughingstock of the press because of his decision to run for Mayor of Carmel, California. But, Clint got the last laugh last week when he won the position by a resounding two votes to one. What next, I want to know. Don Rickles for President? Dave Broadfoot for MP? How about Charles Bronson for mayor of New York? Why not? Why? I don’t know. But, the whole thing seems to have gotten out of hand. I think. Well, that’s my opinion, anyway.
In a story last week, we reported that pop musician Julian Lennon, son of the late John Lennon, had said, “Well, why not?” Apparently, this was correct. It was, in fact, Julian Lennon who really did say, “Well, why not?”
We regret any confusion our accuracy may have caused.
And, finally, spring is a time of cavorting with one’s favourite four-legged friends, and few of us give much thought to their eventual demise. However, scientists recently announced that a new freeze-drying process of preserving dead pets is far superior, far more life-like than the old method of stuffing. There was no word, however, on whether or not freeze dried pets make good coffee.
Good night.