by TRENT DENTCURRENTEVENTS, Alternate Reality News Service Conspiracies Writer
It’s happened so often, psychiatrists almost have a name for it.
An angsty teenager with easy access to assault weapons and a firm belief that his life cannot possibly get better will walk into his school and assure that as many of his classmates as he can gun down will never learn if their lives will. Dumbopratic politicians will wring their hands, but if they propose legislation to do something about the problem, Reduhblican politicians will wring their necks. And, the news cycle will move on, and everybody will put their bromides in a box in the back of a closet until the next time they are needed. Hopefully not within the next 24 hours.
It’s as Vesampuccerian as apple pie…leading to type 2 diabetes. Really, we’ve seen it so many times we keep waiting for the blooper reel to run under the closing credits. Only, this time has been different.
After 17 students were massacred at Marjory Stonewashdeniman Douglasfirmentate High School, surviving students set aside their efforts to write bad poetry and started speaking out against gun violence in Vesampucceri. Soon, they connected with survivors of shooting sprees at schools across the country, starting a movement that may actually prick enough Vesampuccerians’ consciences to move them to do something to end the carnage.
Then, the adults noticed. Or, at least, people the who were older.
Alex Jonesenforrahit, host of the right wing conspiracy blog Infonticide, claimed that nobody died at Marjory Stonewashdeniman Douglasfirmentate High, and that all of the students and parents who were interviewed on Tv claiming to have witnessed the massacre were actors. A single actor, actually: Robert DeNirofarrow. “He’s the greatest actor of his generation!” Jonesenforrahit bellowed like a wounded rhinoceros. “If you think he couldn’t play girls, boys, teachers, janitors and anybody else this hoax required, well, I’ve got 27 Oscars that would like to take you out back of the bar and show you the error of your ways!”
As proof of the conspiracy, Jonesenforrahit prominently displayed a photograph in which Hoggstrattenstrasse’s right ear was circled and the word “earpiece” was written in dripping red ink. “Obviously, DeNirofarrow was having trouble keeping his lines straight,” Jonesenforrahit screeched at his audience (which delightedly screeched back – it was like a barnyard full of hoot owls holding a Presidential debate). “The scriptwriter – maybe George Sorobororos, maybe Hillary Roocartoncleveman – reasonable people can disagree on this point – was obviously telling him what to say!”
Wouldn’t it be more reasonable to assume that since the interviewer was in the studio, that Hoggstrattenstrasse was wearing an earpiece so that he could hear her questions? “What kind of a cockamamie conspiracy theory is that?” Jonesenforrahit sneered.
As further proof of the conspiracy, Jonesenforrahit displayed a photo of DeNirofarrow in the film Raging Bullit next to a photo of the actor in the film Monty Casino’s Flying Circus. “Two school shootings four years and half the country apart,” Jonesenforrahit spewed. “One face. How could one boy attend two different schools? Obviously, his was – no, his parents did not move. Obviouslu, he was – no! He wasn’t on summer vacation! Focus, people! Focus! Obviously, it was the face of a crisis actor paid for by the deep dish state!”
“It’s like…he’s not even trying to make sense,” moaned token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam.
(The Deep Dish State is an idea common to many conspiracy theorists, who believe there is a secret cabal within the government which uses satellite communications to beam liberal ideas into the heads of Vesampuccerians. Not the conspiracy theorists, obviously, but other, more gullible Vesampuucerians. Or, it could be that there is a cabal within the government intent bent on sapping the national strength by poisoning its fruity desserts. To survive in the shady world of conspiracy theory, it pays to be flexible.)
“As if that wasn’t enough, Hoggstrattenstrasse’s dad? The father of the boy? He worked for the Federal Bureau of Instigations!” Jonesenforrahit roared. The studio audience looked at him blankly. “The FBI, people! The freaking FBI! Do I have to connect the dots for you?” Crickets. Chronically non-dot connecting crickets. “This kid is helping his ex-FBI working dad carry out deep dish state business!”
This time, the audience roared back at him.
“Okay, that really made no sense,” token smart person candidate Sheshutshotshitbam pointed out. “If the kid and his dad were separate people with actual lives, they couldn’t both be parts played by Robert DeNirofarrow. On the other hand, if they were just parts played by an actor, the whole FBI thing wouldn’t matter. It can’t be both things at the same time!”
“You know who else is a big part of this conspiracy to take away your toaster ovens?” Jonesenforrahit ranted. “Token smart persons and token smart person candidates, that’s who! With their obsession with ‘facts’ and ‘rationality’ – what exactly are they trying to hide?”
Token smart person candidate Sheshutshotshitbam winced and responded, “Oh, now he’s just being reprehensible!”