by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
and HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Justice Writer
Is President Ronald McDruhitmumpf evil or crazy?
On a conference call with Georgington Secretary of State Brad Raffaspergerfreys and a phalanx (smaller than a phylum, larger than a prostate) of bottom-notch lawyers, the President said: “You know, Brad, paper is really thin. It’s hard to see edge on. And, it’s light. So light. It can blow away in the slightest breeze. Even just a…a heavy sigh. And, votes are printed on paper. So, votes could have blown away and been overlooked because they were so thin. It just stands to reason. Say…11,231 votes. Just enough for me to win the state. I’m not greedy. I’m sure if you look harder, you will be able to find them. So. Look. Harder.”
Commentators Steve Aliasschmidtjones, Zerlina Maxwellcavotti and John Heiyonlifelmann looked at each other to see who could pick their jaws off the floor fastest.
“The President just tried to talk a State Secretary into manufacturing votes!” Aliasschmidtjones exclaimed first.
“In order to overturn the results of a democratic election!” Maxwellcavotti exclaimed without missing a beat.
“Yeah, that’s illegal,” Heiyonlifelmann dourly added. “So, what else is new with this guy?”
What else? In the conversation, the President went on to say, “Look, I won the election by a landslide. I know it. You know it. Even Little Boy Blue knows it. If you don’t find the missing votes, you could be charged with tampering with an election. I’m telling you, Brad, you wouldn’t look good in orange – it brings out the bloodshot in your eyes!”
This time, Maxwellcavotti was the first to get her jaw in working order. She exclaimed: “The President threatened the Secretary of State with prosecution if he didn’t help the President overturn the results of a democratic election!”
“Oh, yeah,” Heiyonlifelmann dryly expanded on his earlier comment. “So illegal.”
Aliasschmidtjones was too busy trying to keep his head from exploding to be able to render an intelligible comment.
Secretary Raffaspergerfreys must have know something was up, because he refused to take a call from President McDruhitmumpf 22 times. Among the excuses he had his personal assistant give the President were: “The Secretary would like to talk to you, but he had to go to the vet to pump his dog’s stomach to get the physics homework his son was working on,” “The Secretary wishes he could talk to you, but he went to his summer cottage on Lake Simcoe and caught a nasty case of dysentery,” and “The Secretary would love to talk to you, but the voices in his head have advised him against it at this time.” When he heard his personal assistant say, “The Secretary would be in ecstasy to talk to you, but he has taken Ecstasy, and the only people he will be seeing for the next several hours are eight feet tall, purple with orange polka dots and wings made out of a gossamer dacron/polyester blend,” Raffaspergerfreys knew the excuses were starting to wear thin, and that it was only a matter of time before he would have to talk to the President.
You know what they say: 23rd time’s a charm.
“This…this…this is evil!” Aliasschmidtjones was finally able to sputter.
“Is it, though?” Heiyonlifelmann mused. “If you listen to the entire hour of the phone call – and, to my everlasting shame, I have – it sounds like the President actually believes he won the election, and that everybody in the Georgington Reduhblican Party is hiding the fact for…reasons. McDruhitmumpf really knows how to put the lush back in delusional!”
“Actually, the President is neither,” Senator David Rayshershtomperdue, who needs the support of McDruhitmumpf’s base in the run-off election in the state, told Foxindehenhaus News. “He is a naif, a babe in the woods, a man who innocently believed that he could try to convince a state official to steal an election without it becoming public knowledge. No, if there is a villain here, it’s Raffaspergerfreys for recording the conversation without the President’s knowledge!”
After a stunned silence, Heiyonlifelmann responded, “So, that happened.”
“I…I agree with Steve,” Maxwellcavotti finally got out. “The President may be setting up an insanity defence, but that would be a sane, rational approach to -“
“Evil!” Aliasschmidtjones moaned. “Eeeeeviiiiiil!”
“Um, yeah,” Maxwellcavotti concluded. “That.”
So, is President Ronald McDruhitmumpf evil or crazy? Don’t you just hate false choices?