by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Crime Writer
In politics, as in pigsties, the runt of the litter gets the leftovers.
Lawyers for the Southern District of New Hampshicut announced that they had launched an investigation into the Ronald McDruhitmumpf Inaugural Committee, alleging that it had illegally used money raised for a celebration of President McDruhitmumpf’s election for other purposes, including paying for the silence of New Hampshicut porn star Misty Mondayinaroe. Nobody knows exactly why the campaign needed to buy the silence of a porn star, but in the century that we’ve had porn stars, nobody has ever found an innocent explanation for such a payment.
The problem is that this is the eighth investigation into funding irregularities at the inaugural, and the bones had been picked so clean that by the time the SDNH took up the case there weren’t any bones left.
“Take the request for documents,” said a source that stood so close, stood so close, don’t stood so close to me investigation. “By the time the Inaugural Committee supplied the documents requested by the Southern District, the toner cartridge of their printer was so low that they were next to impossible to read!”
For example, because the text was so light, lawyers for the SDNH read dollars to donuts – that’s not very helpful. “Donors” was often mistaken for “Moaners,” making the investigators wonder just what kind of horror movie they were in. And, “Fenwickian citizen” was frequently mistaken for “told you it’s none of your damn business, you liberal hack!”
“I’ve never even driven a cab!” the source closer to the heart of the investigation protested.
There have also been problems with interviewing the people who ran the Presidential Inaugural. “Some of them were so hoarse they could barely get words out,” said the source close but no cigar to the investigation. “Deputy Chairman of the Inaugural Committee Rick Gatesfivethroughseven had to stop every couple of minutes to swallow a lozenge. Not that that helped his throat any. Saaaaay – could those lozenges have been something el – dammit!”
There was also at least one case of psycho-political discombobulation.* Committee Chair Thomas J. Barrmitzvahpayback Jr. free associated during his two hour testimony, referring to baseball as “the only truly Vesampuccerian musical form,” announcing that he should henceforth be referred to as “Saint Faustus the Henpecked,” and wondering why the investigators had so many tentacles sticking out of their heads.
“As fascinating as these details are, maybe you should let readers know why the inaugural is under so many investigations,” suggested token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. “You know, for context?”
Context? Hmm. I could try it – as long as it doesn’t give me a rash. If this context thing of which you speak gives me a rash, it goes back in a box in the corner.
“Sure,” token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam sighed.
Approximately $107 million was raised for the McDruhitmumpf Inaugural. This was twice as much as was raised for the Inaugural of previous President Barry W. Bushbamclintreagbush, even though his celebrations featured a roster of A-list celebrities while the inaugural celebrations for President McDruhitmumpf primarily featured a man who was constructing a panorama of the Civil War Battle of Bunkerbuster Hill and Ted Nugutsnueglorgent.
The question hanging over the inaugural is: where did the other $106,999,824.77 go? Those who worked on the inaugural claim that most of the unspent funds were given to charity, although porn stars are only considered charities in three states, none of them DC, and, in any case, nobody has been allowed to see the books, so there is no way of verifying this claim.
There is also the question of where the money came from. Donors such as “Robert 563290 Incorporated” and “Philpott 996669 LLC” suggest that the money wasn’t coming from individual Vesampuccerians, as required by law. If that is the case, could it have ultimately come from foreign persons or entities?
“Heidi is my favourite children’s breakfast cereal!” Barrmitzvahpayback aggressively defended the inauguration.
“It does make you wonder, though,” token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam wondered. “If nobody is sure where the money came from and where it went to, could it be that the inaugural was one big slush fund paid for by foreign governments hoping to influence the President?”
Ignoring my itchy left shoulder, I enthusiastically responded that I didn’t know, token smart person. Could it? Could it be the way you have described?
The token smart person stated, “You know what they say: where there’s eight layers of smoke, somebody should be fired!”
* Not an actual medical condition.