Deconstructing the world 700 words at a time…
New year, same old bile…
I was calling President George W. Bush a moron long before Francoise Ducros, but do I get any credit…?
Making fun of reality so you don’t have to…
Then, it’s war! Hail, hail Fredonia!
Gollum for President!
Oh, to see the world through an aardvark’s eyes!
I could tell you, but then I’d have to quill you…
Always giving you a pun for your money…
Now 25 per cent more satirical!
I’m not impressed with you, either…
Satire never sleeps…
Proudly anti-American since 1985…
Proudly anti-business since 1985…
Proudly anti-[insert your personal Shibboleth here] since 1985…
You’re only as free as CSIS allows you to be…
All things considered, I’d rather be in Philadelphia…
Still waiting for the peace dividend…
Inner space, the final frontier…
Have pun, will travel…
Because I could never say no to Fanny Ardant…
No celebrity too big, no human foible too small…
So, who did your hair?
More fun than a pack of feral mongeese…
The free Web site that guarantees value for your money…
Looking forward…to brunch…
“Star light, star bright/You got the loving that I like/Turn this crazy bird around/Should not have gone on this flight tonight.” If you think this song was written by Nazareth, read no further…
Hype springs eternal…
What could be sadder than wanting to sell out but having nobody interested in buying?
Better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick…
Offering unconditional love for the better part of two decades…
Turtle wax…
Where you’re innocent until proven stupid…
Prose that almost makes sense…
All things to no people…
Everybody I love you (except where prohibited by law)…
If you can’t say something nice, claim to be a satirist…
Abandon Leslie Hope All Ye Who Enter…
Wit ‘R’ Us
Make friends with your inner Latin American dictator…
This tag line will break the rules for tag lines by referring to itself…
You know you’re ripping off Mad magazine when…
Satisfying your need for reason when the grotesque becomes the commonplace…
Less platitude, more attitude…
Death: the fuckless zip…
I would put up a photograph instead of 1,000 words, but then how would I prove myself as a writer?
Cynicism is the new cynicism…
Speaking truth to whoever will bloody well listen for 18 years…
Words flail…
Welcome to the Big Queasy…
You wouldn’t know it to look at me, but I’m actually the Queen of Sheba…
Better than a mole rat to the head…
Natchez? We don’ need no stinkin’ Natchez!
Canuckistanian, and fiercely proud of it!
It’s just a phase I’ve been going through…for several lifetimes…
Domed as domed can be…
Show me the funny…
I play the blame game…to win!
Wall of deja Voodoo economics…
Brought to you by an expert in whisk assessment…
Not content to be mere content…
Now that you mention it, no…
Reality: more fun than fungible…
Obnoxious for the cause…
Home of the 99 cent alibi…
Occupying your blind spot for as long as anybody can remember…
Don’t you hate when what happens?
Forced fabulousness is back in style!
Eternal wisdom in five words or less…
Oh, you shouldn’t have! (But, don’t you dare take it away!)
Unsound bytes for the masses!
Lefts fall in love…
It’s not the beat, it’s the stupidity…
It’s not the meat, it’s the emotion…
The machinery of bold ennui…
The original Carmine chameleon…
Scratch the surface of a pessimist, and you’ll discover somebody who expects no better than to be scratched…
Context-free conniptions…
Latex wasteland…
An ongoing experiment in angst management…
Lecturing…expectorating…it’s such a fine line…
No longer Ministry of Oleaginous Substances approved…
Sorry, I didn’t catch that…
Corn on the macabre…
Compassion? How did that get in there?
Taxes – the cruelest cut of all…
Game for anything…except that…
Interview with a damp fire…
Assorted diaphragms for the Godzilla generation…
Your cheerful tour guide in the handbasket to Hell…
What’s calcium got to do with it?
Nipping at the heels of power for almost 20 years…
Empty your mind…leave it free to Rome…
Marginal, but not without a certain understated charm…
Isn’t the alternative to the alternative the mainstream?
Where point of view is only a point of departure…
Faking it for longer than a cephalopod can remember…
Are you gonna eat that?
Studio audiences are vastly overrated…
I didn’t make him…for you!
Continuity – worshipped by film directors and sperm donors alike…
It’s observational humour – see?
Two’s company, three’s allowed…
Would you laugh more if I wrote it in a higher voice?
Don’t get your shorts twisted in a not…
Afflecking the comfortable and comforting Ben Affleck for as long as anybody can remember…
Meanwhile, somewhere east of Sweden…
Just another brick wall on the highway of your life…
As not seen on CBC NewsWorld…
Because real life doesn’t come with subtitles…