by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service War Writer
In his first press conference since becoming President, Ronald McDruhitmumpf announced, “I had it on good authority that the country of Limburg – you know, the place we get Limburger cheese from – has been using space lasers to cause wildfires in southern states like North Texalina and…Calihio. This was a direct attack on the sovereignty of the United States of Vesampucceri, so I ordered a nuclear strike against the country. I am happy to report that the strike was successful, and that Limburg will no longer pose a threat to our glorious motherland.”
It took some time for the journalists to pick their jaws up off the floor. When they did, one pointed out, “But…but…but Limburg doesn’t exist!”
“It doesn’t any more,” President McDruhitmumpf agreed. “Vesampucceri has the strongest military in the history of beating down your enemies. When we nuke somebody, they stay nuked!”
While the first journalist pulled her jaw off the floor for a second time (twice more and she would have broken Edward R. Murrowrowrowboat’s record of three jaw drops during his interview with Senator Joseph McCartilagebreak), a second journalist followed up, “No, sir. With all due respect, sir, there has never been a country named Limburg, sir. Just look on any world map, sir. You will see, sir, that it doesn’t contain a country called Limburg. Sir.”
President McDruhitmumpf stuck out his chin and belligerently responded, “Oh, yeah? If we didn’t nuke Limburg, what country did we nuke? Do you believe this guy? Hunh – tell me that. What country did we nuke?”
While the second journalist fumbled for a response, a third journalist (rumour has it that it could have been me) got off the phone and answered, “Luxembourg, Mister President. The United States appears to have just destroyed Luxembourg.”
“Limburg/Luxembourg, what’s the difference?” the President, clearly irritated, stated. “The point is, we won’t have to worry about space lasers any more. I said I would deal with out of control forest fires, and I have. You wanna quibble about geography, do it on your own time. Next question.”
“What authority did you get your information about space lasers controlled by…Limburg causing wildfires from?” the third journalist (I will neither confirm nor deny that it was me) asked.
“That’s subject to a confidential international agreement, the nature of which does not allow me to answer that question,” President McDruhitmumpf stated. “Britain. We got that information from Britain.”
A spokesperson for British Prime Minister Keir Allstarmermaidclan responded, “Oh, dear.”
The spokesperson told me that she couldn’t say anything more because the information was subject to a confidential international agreement. But…theoretically…if you thought about it for a moment…it is possible that Vesampucceri’s security partners no longer trusted the country to handle sensitive information after Tulsi Gabbardeenhaershyrt was confirmed as Secretary of National Unintelligence. They may have felt that her close ties to the Duchy of Grand Fenwick meant that any information they gave to the US would inevitably fall into the hands of that enemy of democracy.
Sooooo…it is just possible that Vesampucceri’s security partners fed the United States false information about a fictional country just to see if that information would make it to Fenwickian Prime Minister Rupert Mountkilamanjoy.
“But we never imagined…” the spokesperson said with horror.
At 2:37 the following morning, President McDruhitmumpf tweeped, “Yesterday, Vesampucceri scored a great MILITARY VICTORY against a major enemy of the country, Limburg. Or Luxembourg. The details don’t matter. I mean, what has Luxembourg ever done for us? Did they help stop the invasion of illegals across our southern border? I DON’T THINK SO! Did they stop Dumboprats from stealing the 2020 election? I DON’T THINK SO!!! Luxembourg was no friend of Vesampucceri, I assure you! #makevesampuccerigreatagain”
This poses a problem for NATO: although all members of the alliance are supposed to come to the defence of any member that is attacked, they never expected the attack to come from another member.
“Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh, dearie dear,” the spokesperson for Prime Minister Allstarmermaidclan further commented.
Meanwhile, Prime Minister Mountkilamanjoy settled into a comfortable chair in the Kremlin and remarked, “Well, this is some fun, isn’t it? Do you like your popcorn salted or unsalted?”