“Union Hotline – how may I help you?” “There’s this associate…Bob…man, he just can’t stop complaining!” “About working at Wal-Mart?” “Not usually. Mostly, it’s about how his wife is cheating on him.” “Okay.” “Sometimes, it’s about his chronic herniated septum, which causes him all sort of breathing problems, and -” “Okay.” “…has really put a damper on his sex life. Oh, and -” “Yes, well -” “Then there was the incident at Roswell, and he still hasn’t gotten over the Kennedy assassination, even though he wasn’t born when it happened, and -” “HEY!” “Yes?” “Does your associate’s complaining interfere with his work?” “No. But, I worry that he’s a Chronically Dissatisfied Associate.” “The kind that’s obvious union bait?” “Exactly. What should I do?” “Fire him.” “Thanks.
* * *
“Union Hotline – how may I help you?” “I have an associate…her name is Bertha…” “Yes?” “She…well, she seems to be spending more time than usual these days in the washroom.” “Could she have a reason for being there?” “Hmm…she is pregnant…” “I see.” “And, she always has had bladder problems…” “Right.” “And, she is allergic to milk, so maybe it wasn’t a great idea to put her in the dairy section.” “Okay, but other than that…?” “I suspect she might be doing some union organizing in there. What should I do?” “Fire her.” “Thanks.”
* * *
“Union Hotline – how may I help you?” “OH MY GOD, THERE’S A UNION ORGANIZER IN MY STORE!” “Now, ma’am, please calm down.” “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND! UNION ORGANIZER – IN STORE! RIGHT NOW!” “Is the union organizer with you at the moment?” “NO! HE -” “Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to calm down. Take a few deep breaths. If you have a happy place, imagine yourself in it now. Are you breathing? Ma’am, are…you…breathing?” “I…yes. I am.” “Okay. Where is the union organizer now?” “He’s in the lunch room.” “Okay – as long as he’s there, the harm will be contained – no associate is allowed to stay there for very long. Now, if you give me your location, I’ll dispatch an emergency team to the scene right away. Okay?” “What do I do about associates the union organizer comes into contact with?” “Better take no chances – fire them all.” “Okay. Thanks.”
* * *
“Union Hotline – how may I help you?” “I’m worried about an associate named Che -” “Che – that’s an unusual name.” “He told me it was short for Charles.” “Oh. Okay. What seems to be the problem?” “It’s his behaviour. It’s kind of strange.” “Strange behaviour? Un hunh. What’s strange about it?” “He was great for the first couple of months – always arrived on time, never complained about overtime, always smiled at the customers. Hell, he thought it was fantastic that he was called an associate. He’d be, like, sweeping the floors and muttering to himself, ‘Hey, Mister Associate. Nice job…Associate!'” “What’s the problem?” “Well, I noticed a couple of days ago that he spent over 10 minutes in the parking lot. When I asked him about it, he said he was interested in getting a new car, and he was checking out the cars in the parking lot to compare.” “Did you believe him?” “I don’t know what to believe. What should I do?” “Fire him.” “Thanks.”
* * *
“Union Hotline – how may I help you?” “He…he’s got a gun!” “Would you speak up, please. I can hardly hear you.” “I can’t talk much louder – there’s a man with a gun.” “That’s better. Now, tell me, is the man a customer?” “No, an employee.” “You mean, an associate?” “He’s worked too much overtime and…and…and he just…snapped!” “The associate?” “YES! Yes, the associate!” “Tell me, is he using a gun we stock?” “How would I know?” “Did he come in with it, or did he take it off a rack in the store?” “He…uhh, I think he came in with it.” “Is he shouting about starting a union?” “He’s shooting people in home appliances!” “Would you like to speak to a Customer Service Representative?” “What?” “I can transfer you.” “Help me!” “I’m sorry, but this is the Union Hotline. If you don’t have a concern about unionization at your store, perhaps you should consider dialing 9-1-1.” BANG “Hello? Hello? … Well, I like it when a problem solves itself…”