“Francis Lovitz is a tongue-twisted idiot! Pass it on!”
“Wow! Ican’t believe I’m really part of Hands Across America, the fundraising event for the hungry and homeless! Awesome!” “Hands Across America? I thought this was Hands in Glove, the fundraising event sponsored by big corporations to keep the federal government from taking away their tax breaks.” “No…no, isn’t this Hand Over Fist, the fundraising event to send private aid to the contras in Nicaragua?” “Aww, you’re all wrong! This is Hands in the Cookie Jar, the fundraising event for former government officials who are now lobbyists.” “Well, it’s good to know it’s for a worthy cause, anyway…”
“Fran Liebowitz has a long distance video. Pass it on.”
“Oh, Jean…” “What is it, Wendell?” “I have to scratch my nose…” “Wendell, no! Don’t break the chain!” “But, what am I going to – oh, miss? Miss! Am I glad to see you. Are you a Hands Across America line organizer?” “Yes, I am -” “I’ve got this incredible itch, and I was wondering if -” “I’m sorry, but this isn’t my section.” “What? Wait! Please!” “Wendell, can’t you control yourself for 15 minutes?” “Hey, little boy. My nose itches, but I can’t scratch it because I’m part of this chain. Do you think you could scratch it for me?” “Sure, Mister.” Oh, thank you. You may have just saved my life.” “For a dollar.” “What? That’s outrageous!” “Wendell, please. You’re causing a scene.” “I’m not going to pay a dollar to have my nose scratched!” “Hunh – your life isn’t worth much, is it?” “Popcorn! Peanuts! Soft drinks! Today’s stock quotations! Suntan oil spread liberally over your body! Half-melted ice cream! Scratch any portion of your anatomy!” “Oh, thank goodness!” “What’ll it be, sir?” “Scratch?” “Very good, sir. And, exactly what portion of your anatomy would you like scratched?” “My nose?” “An excellent choice, if I may say so, sir. Here…here you go.” “Thank you. Thank you so much.” “Your pleasure. That will be five dollars.” “What? Five dollars? That’s ridiculous!” “Hey – be thankful your back didn’t need scratching.” “Why?” “You probably couldn’t afford it…”
“Frank Langella wants a love-distracted widow. Pass it on!”
“Do we have to do this, mommy?” “Now, Ronnie, it’s for a good cause. Don’t be a suck.” “But, the hand I’m holding is greasy and slimy and…icky.” “Yes, well, you should have -” “I think this kid was making mud pies before he stood in line.” “Now, Ronnie, you should have thought of that before you said that the only problem with the poor was that they didn’t know how to get the food that was out there waiting for them.” “But, I thought it was true.” “Exactly. You should never say what you think is true; that’s what your advisers are for.” “Yes, mommy, dearest…”
“Funk & Wagnalls haunt a tooth extracted widow. Pass it on!”
“Hey, isn’t that Kris Kristofferson holding hands with Bo Derek?” “Where?” “Over there!” “Oh, Alf, don’t be silly! Those are the Turners.” “No, you’re right. But, hey! Further down! Isn’t that…Roger Moore?” “What would Roger Moore be doing in Hands Across America? He isn’t even American!” “Hmm…good point. But, hey! Isn’t that Vice President George Bush standing next to him?” “I don’t know. What does George Bush look like?” “Got me. But, hey! Isn’t that Alexander Solzhenitsyn, Russian author and immigrant American social critic?” “Oh, Alfred, will you settle down? We’re standing on the outskirts of the Oppalachagoola Desert. You’re holding a piece of string and I’m holding the hand of Arbie Poindexter, owner of Joe’s Drugs and Tackle and editor of the Oppalachagoola Sun-Times…” “Hi, there.” “Hi, Arbie. There isn’t a famous person for 500 miles, so stop it. Okay?” “I suppose you’re right. But, hey -!”
“Funky Wagner’s aunt is a poor distraction, jello. Pass it on!” “I beg your pardon?” “I said, ‘Funky Wagner’s aunt is a poor…umm…distraction, jello.’ I think.” “Which aunt is this?” “I don’t know…I was just passing on a message.” “Well, you tell whoever told you that that his mother is a carnivorous ignoroid.” “Calm down. Don’t take it so personally.” “Why not? I’m Funky Wagner!” “Oh…!”
“Oh, Angelo! I…I feel it kicking!” “What are you trying to tell me, Grace?” “It’s time, Angelo! It’s time!” “Time for what?” “The baby! The baby is coming!” “What, here? In the middle of Hands Across America? God, Grace, couldn’t you have picked a better time?” “I didn’t exactly have a choice in the – oh! – matter, Ang. If people can get married, they can have babies.” “Well, what should I do?” “Umm…we need blankets. Hot water! Anasthetics!” “Do you think you can hold our for just five minutes?” “ANGELO TUSCANO!” “Right. Hey! Is there a doctor in the chain?”
“Your dentist is a non-industrious mongoloid. Pass it on!”