And So It Begins: Ontario Liberal leader Dalton McGuinty backs down on his pledge to halt construction on the Oak Ridges Moraine, saying getting out of contracts signed by the previous Conservative government would be too costly. Borrowing the head-spinning special effect from The Exorcist, Conservatives who opposed the Liberal policy now excoriate the party for not going through with it.
Ratings War is Hell: CBS cancels a cheeky miniseries on the life of former President Ronald Reagan due to protests by groups that hadn’t seen the series while NBC runs an earnest movie on Iraqi POW Jessica Lynch even though she now says that the story of her rescue was exaggerated. Is the first casualty of political entertainment warfare a sense of humour?
Flashback Without the Acid: the Globe and Mail succeeds in getting court permission to publish details of the Airbus trial, which it does ad nauseam, unaware that readers have moved on. On a more positive note, scientists believe that the key to time travel may be just this kind of time warp.
From the tarmac behind a grounded Air Canada jet at Pearson International Airport, this is The Irrational, with Joe Anchor.
I’m Eloise Tendentious, filling in for Joe Anchor, who seems to have disappeared. Joe, we miss you. Call or…write or something, okay?
A TV movie based on Jennifer Smart’s – Jennifer Smart? That’s tacky. I don’t wanna go there. What else have we – a Paris Hilton sex video? Please! Not only is that tacky, but it could put you off having sex with anybody for decades! Don’t we have any real news? Right…right…okay, you know, I never thought I would say this, but I’m really looking forward to Ian Hawdogoatsing’s report on Prime Minister Jean Chretien’s retirement.
“Despite news that his entire cabinet was flown to the Arctic at the expense of the Irving family to participate in the annual seal hunt, Jean Chretien spent his last day in the House of Commons as Prime Minister listening to speeches praising his 10 year reign. And while it’s safe to say there wasn’t a dry eye in the House, one can never be sure how many MPs were crying and how many were laughing. ‘I t’ink dat da majority were crying,’ Chretien said later, ‘but dey wouldn’t put it to a voice vote, so we may never know.’ As always, one can only admire the Prime Minister’s optimism. From Ottawa, this is Ian Hawdogoatsing reporting.”
Meanwhile, a video game has – a video game? Who decided on this lineup?
I DID!
Joe Anchor! What are you doing here?
This is where I belong, Eloise.
But, you…you disappeared just when you were needed!
I went on a voyage of personal discovery, Eloise. It was unfortunately timed, perhaps, but it was necessary for me to undergo a personal transformation in order to return to the anchor desk refreshed and with a renewed sense of purpose.
You’ve been reading Deepak Chopra again, haven’t you?
If fate has determined that our next item should be about video games, we must accept that that is what our next item will be.
You have! You have been reading Dee –
“After an uproar in La Belle Province, Sony Inc. has decided to release a video game titled Syphon Filter 4: The Omega Strain without a mission in which Quebec separatists attack Toronto with machine guns, hand grenades and deadly biological weapons. ‘We’ve learned our lesson about stereotyping people,’ an anonymous Sony programming drone commented, ‘and from now on we’re going to stick to Arab terrorists and Central American drug lords as our villains!’ For The Irrational, this is Buffy reporting from a camp just outside of Tel Aviv for no particular reason.”
No! I’m not going to leave the anchor desk to some New Age loony!
Eloise, I don’t expect you to understand, but –
Oh, I understand, all right. The flagship newscast of the nation is about to be anchored by a guy who believes in spirit manifestations and the power of positive thinking!
So much judgementalism in one person. Eloise, you must open yourself more to the rich variety of experiences life offers us.
You see? You see? This is exactly what I’m talking about! You can’t seriously expec –
“The Canadian Senate has passed a bill that could limit how much people use Jet Skis in cottage country. ‘This is an outrageous infringement of my civil liberties,’ complained former Alliance Party leader and…umm…well, nobody’s really sure what he’s doing these days, Stockwell Day. ‘And…and…not to mention my political free speech!’ Ah, the Alliance, always willing to fight yesterday’s unnecessary battles. This is Rahul Festrunk reporting from Ottawa.”
And, another thing: how come he’s the flaky one, but I’m the one you cut off in mid-sentence to go to the next news it –
“Ontario MPP Marilyn Churley has legally changed her name to Marilyn Churley-NDP so that in the legislature she would be referred to as “Churley-NDP,” a designation she no longer enjoys because the New Democratic Party did not win enough seats in the provincial election to retain its party status. From Toronto, this is Anson Bergecheck reporting for The -“
Umm, Anson, is that it?
“Sure – that’s the story. What more do you think I should have said?”
Not to worry, Anson. Your report was exactly what it needed to be.
Nonsense! It really needed something witty and clever to give the ending some punch.
“Oh, I don’t know. I think the story pretty much satirizes itself.”
Ooookay.
Critics of Canada’s stand on the war on Iraq warned that the country would be shut out of post-war reconstruction contracts. As Subaru Debutante reports, this appears to be coming true.
Hey! That was my intro!
Not to worry, Eloise. We have something much more interesting in store for you.
Rea –
“Jalal Talabani, the new president of the US appointed interim Iraqi government, blasted Canada for not joining the war in that country and warned that those who opposed the war will forfeit lucrative reconstruction contracts. By this logic, Albania will be able to put its extensive knowledge of oil pipeline reconstruction to good use, while Ethiopia will be given responsibility for ensuring the safety and quality of Iraq’s food supply. And people wonder why post-war Iraq is in such bad shape. From a burnt out suburb of Nasiriyah, this is Subaru Debutante reporting.”
Why do so many child stars grow up to be alcoholics, drug addicts or, worse, directors of television commercials? Could it be the constant pressure to maintain society’s ideal of cuteness, even during bad hair days? Eloise Tendentious reports on the latest child star to succumb.
“The kid who says ‘Zoom zoom zoom’ in Mazda commercials has checked himself into rehab to deal with an undisclosed drug problem. A representative of the car company stated: ‘He was having trouble dealing with the pressure of having to say “Zoom zoom zoom” in so many languages. I’m sure it’s a problem we can all relate to.’ For The Irrational, this Eloise Tendentious is reporting from Tokyo.”
Fast work, Eloise. The late Princess of Wales: feminist cautionary tale about the marginalization of women in patriarchal society or mindless party girl who lucked into a royal marriage? Jian Gezundheight has this report.
“Did Canadian pop idol Bryan Adams sleep with the late Princess of Wales Diana Spencer? If so, that would lower to 21 the number of Canadian men between the ages of 18 and 65 that the Princess has not been rumoured to have slept with, many since she died. This is nowhere near the leader – Great Britain – where only three men have not been rumoured to have slept with the late Princess – two of whom are over 80 and expected to die soon – but is well ahead of the United States, with 176 men. ‘You see,” crowed the Council of Canadians, ‘you live long enough, and the advantages Canada has over the United States become obvious.’ From London not Ontario, this is Jian Gezundheight reporting.”
That’s a couple I know I’m going to have nightmares about. While we’re on the subject of sex, social trends and parrot droppings reporter Vivienne Tso-Wa reports on the latest teenage tomfoolery.
“According to a study by the Northern Kentucky University, more than half of teens believe a person should still be considered abstinent after engaging in oral sex. A follow-up study will no doubt show that most teenagers believe you can eat a steady diet of fast food and not be considered ‘fat,’ and spend all your free time watching television and video games and not be considered ‘stupid.’ I blame cutbacks in the school system. From southern Kentucky, this is Vivienne Tso-Wa reporting for The Irrational.”
Later in the broadcast, more to come…