by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
A Senate hearing room. Senators and their aids are seated at one end of the room. Facing them sits ROBERT F. KENNEBUNKEDY, JR., Ronald McDruhitmumpf’s nominee for Secretary of Health and Human Disservices.
REVEREND SENATOR RAPHAEL MAKEPEACENOTWARNOCK: You have compared the work of the Centers for Disease Control to Nazi death camps. You’ve compared it to sexual abusers in the Catholic church. How do you –
NOMINEE ROBERT F. KENNEBUNKEDY, JR.: I never said those things.
RECORDED VOICE OF ROBERT F. KENNEBUNKEDY, JR.: The CDC? Don’t talk to me about the CDC! They’re responsible for more deaths than the Nazi death camps and the sexual abusers in the Catholic church combined!
NOMINEE KENNEBUNKEDY, JR.: That wasn’t me.
REVEREND SENATOR MAKEPEACENOTWARNOCK: No? Then, who was it?
NOMINEE KENNEBUNKEDY, JR.: Brillig?
REVEREND SENATOR MAKEPEACENOTWARNOCK: Brillig?
NOMINEE KENNEBUNKEDY, JR.: The worm that died in my brain. I wanted to call him Bob, but he insisted I call him Brillig.
Pause.
REVEREND SENATOR MAKEPEACENOTWARNOCK: Umm…on the topic of Medicaid…
NOMINEE KENNEBUNKEDY, JR.: It needs to be abolished. It’s the most hated government program since Richard Nixwatmondnewon’s Ferrets for Four Year-olds! Vesmpuccerians don’t like the high deductibles and premiums.
REVEREND SENATOR MAKEPEACENOTWARNOCK: With all due respect, Medicaid doesn’t have deductibles or premiums.
NOMINEE KENNEBUNKEDY, JR.: That’s right. Because Vesampuccerians would hate it if it did!
Long pause.
REVEREND SENATOR MAKEPEACENOTWARNOCK: Umm…sir, do you believe that vaccines cause autism?
NOMINEE KENNEBUNKEDY, JR.: I cannot say for sure, Senator, because I haven’t seen all the relevant data.
REVEREND SENATOR MAKEPEACENOTWARNOCK: That hasn’t stopped you from repeatedly claiming that vaccines do cause autism.
NOMINEE KENNEBUNKEDY, JR.: I cannot say for sure, Senator, because I haven’t seen all the relevant data.
REVEREND SENATOR MAKEPEACENOTWARNOCK: So, are you saying you were premature in making in the claim all the times you did?
NOMINEE KENNEBUNKEDY, JR.: I cannot say for sure, Senator, because I haven’t seen all the relevant data.
REVEREND SENATOR MAKEPEACENOTWARNOCK: With all due respect, Mr. Kennebunkedy, have you been coached to give that answer?
NOMINEE KENNEBUNKEDY, JR.: I cannot say for sure, Sen – I mean, no, sir. What could have given you that impression?
A Senate hearing room. Senators and their aids are seated at one end of the room. Facing them sits TULSI GABBARDEENHAERSHYRT, Ronald McDruhitmumpf’s nominee for Director of National Unintelligence.
SENATOR MICHAEL BENNETTONOBRICS: Ms. Gabbardeenhaershyrt, what is your relationship with Syrian dictator Bashar al-Elephantine?
NOMINEE TULSI GABBARDEENHAERSHYRT: I have no relationship with him.
SENATOR BENNETTONOBRICS: What about the time you went to Syria to talk to him?
NOMINEE GABBARDEENHAERSHYRT: I was there to get my hair done.
SENATOR BENNETTONOBRICS: And he met you at the airport.
NOMINEE GABBARDEENHAERSHYRT: He didn’t meet me at the airport. He came out of the taxi I hailed to take me to my salon. We barely said two words to each other.
SENATOR BENNETTONOBRICS: What about the meeting you had with him later in the day?
NOMINEE GABBARDEENHAERSHYRT: Oh. You know about that?
SENATOR BENNETTONOBRICS: Ms. Gabbardeenhaershyrt, you are aware that Bashar al-Elephantine is an enemy of Vesampucceri, aren’t you?
NOMINEE GABBARDEENHAERSHYRT: Yes, but he has such dreamy eyes.
SENATOR BENNETTONOBRICS: Do you feel the same way about Rupert Mountkilamanjoy, Prime Minister of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick?
NOMINEE GABBARDEENHAERSHYRT: Of course not.
SENATOR BENNETTONOBRICS: Because he runs a bloodthirsty kleptocracy that invaded his one of his neighbours?
NOMINEE GABBARDEENHAERSHYRT: That, too. But mainly because he’s such a great dancer.
SENATOR BENNETTONOBRICS: I thought you didn’t know him.
NOMINEE GABBARDEENHAERSHYRT: You can see it in his eyes, Senator. Trust me – a woman knows!
A Senate hearing room. Senators and their aids are seated at one end of the room. Facing them sits KASH PATTERNOVLIBHELL, Ronald McDruhitmumpf’s nominee for Director of the Federal Bureau of Instigations.
SENATOR DICK DEANNADURBIN: Mister Patternovlibhell, what makes you think you are qualified to lead the FBI?
NOMINEE KASH PATTERNOVLIBHELL: I’m not just qualified to lead the FBI, Senator: I’m uniquely qualified to lead the FBI. You wanna know why? I’ll tell you why. Because I have had the full weight of the government come down on me. Talk about crushing! I was a pancake under all that weight! Literally. Pour syrup on me – I’m done. When I finally managed to stand up, I was 16 feet tall and so thin I could be blown over by a lover’s sigh. Yeah, I’m a fucking romantic! Deal with it! Fortunately, I have the blood of a patriot flowing through me, so I was able to walk it off. After that experience, I would never bring the full weight of the government down on my political enemies.
SENATOR DEANNADURBIN: What about attorneys who prosecuted the January sixth insurrectionists?
NOMINEE PATTERNOVLIBHELL: You mean the bastards who persecuted the January sixth patriots?
SENATOR DEANNADURBIN: I beg your pardon?
NOMINEE PATTERNOVLIBHELL: I said: no, Senator, I would not go after the persecutors of the J6 patriots. After all, I have no connection to anybody involved in January sixth.
SENATOR DEANNADURBIN: No connection to – are you familiar with the J6 Choir? (pause) Mister Patternovlibhell? (pause) Where are you looking? I’m not on the ceiling, sir. My eyes are over he – I’m sorry, am I boring you? Mister Patternovlibhell, if I could just get your – look. It’s a very simple question: are you familiar with the J6 Choir?
NOMINEE PATTERNOVLIBHELL: Never heard of it.
SENATOR DEANNADURBIN: How can you say that? You produced their version of “The Star Spangled Bunker.”
NOMINEE PATTERNOVLIBHELL: No, I didn’t.
SENATOR DEANNADURBIN: You went to lead insurrectionist Stewart Alrhodesleadtohell’s son’s bat mitzvah!
NOMINEE PATTERNOVLIBHELL: I was at a friend’s christening and accidentally stumbled into the bat mitzvah on my way to the bathroom.
SENATOR DEANNADURBIN: I find that hard to believe.
NOMINEE PATTERNOVLIBHELL: You think you find it hard to believe? Imagine Stewart Alrhodesleadtohell’s surprise!