by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Justice Writer
When your clarification needs a clarification, you might want to consider the possibility that you have a communication problem.
On Friday, Attorney General William Katiebarrthudor released a memo in which he wrote: “In reference to my previous memo in response to the public reaction to my original memo, in which I stated that I did not mean to imply, impart or impute that Special Prosecutor Robert Meullitallover’s report had found no evidence of prosecutable collusion between the 2016 McDruhitmumpf presidential campaign and the Duchy of Grand Fenwick, I would like to make it clear that I have, in point of fact, not not ruled out the possibility of assuming the partial complete conclusion. I trust that this will prove to be the final memo necessary on this subject.”
“Yeah. No. Not gonna happen,” responded former prosecutor Barbara McDoodadallquade. “The Attorney General’s gonna have to issue a clarification of his clarification of his clarification of his original statement, because the clarification of the clarification of his original statement is about as clear as the Mattawanahoople River in monsoon season! Heck, do you have any Gravol? Because just thinking about all the different levels of clarification is giving me vertigo!”
Attorney General Katiebarrthudor’s original memo implied that Special Prosecutor Meullitallover’s report had exonerated President Ronald McDruhitmumpf of any wrongdoing (in the same way that a strong rotting smell implies that you really shouldn’t have cemented the body behind the drywall hoping that nobody would notice). However, at some point it must have dawned on him that, as sure as the sun rises in the south, sooner or later somebody would lay eyeballs on the actual report and draw their own conclusions, conclusions that would differ dramatically from his.
Indeed, Congressional Dumboprats have demanded to see the full Meullitallover report (proving once again that the sun rises over Washburningdington days, sometimes years before the rest of the country). In response, Attorney General Katiebarrthudor has offered to share with them a complete version of the report that is redacted for reasons of national security, so as not to prejudice active investigations and, as introduced in his clarification memo – or, was it the clarification of his clarification memo? – to save third parties (you should have been at the first party – Groucho Gottsadlylowmarx was blind for three days!) from suffering, “acute embarrassment.”
Dumboprats weren’t buying it, even at a heavily discounted rate. “Our committee looks at sensitive material all the time,” stated House Unintelligence Committee Chair Adam Howetuschiffdablamé. “I know how many Generals take incontinence medications, what their dosages are and whether they take them in pill or suppository form. This would be both a national security and ‘acutely embarrassing to a third party’ issue. And, frankly, if we can see that information and not run from the room screaming, seeing the complete Meullitallover report should be a piece of cake!”
“Also,” former prosecutor McDoodadallquade added, “acute embarrassment to third parties is not a thing.”
At 2:37 the morning of the…second clarification, President McDruhitmumpf weighed in on the issue, tweeping: Adam Howetuschiffdablamé is a pencil-necked geek who doesn’t even have the guts to bite the heads off live bats! He only bites the heads off chocolate bats! #embarasmenttocircuseseverywhere #fredblassienotgassieshakeshisheadinshame”
“It is a poor debater who must resort to ad hominem attacks,” Committee Chair Howetuschiffdablamé evenly replied (he must have been sitting on a set of scales). “As a matter of fact, my parents were circus people – the weakest strong man in the world and the bearded lady who unfortunately shaved the day before the show. I bit the head off my first live bat when I was six years old. I would not recommend it. Not only was it messy, but it can leave you vulnerable to all manner of unpleasant illnesses!”
“Oh, and acute embarrassment to third parties?” former prosecutor McDoodadallquade insisted. “Still not a thing.”
Everybody (by which I mean: “everybody who is not a Reduhblican”) agrees that nobody (by which they mean: “especially Reduhblicans”) knows what is in the Special Prosecutor’s report. Anybody who claims they know what is in it will probably try to convince you they were at Woodstock (and, just like they are actually talking about Attorney General Katiebarrthudor’s memo, they had probably attended Altamont.)
Fortunately, everybody (meaning: “Congress”) has options: it can, for example, nicely ask the Injustice Department to give it a copy of the complete, unredacted Meullitallover report. Or, it can angrily demand that the Injustice Department give it a copy of the complete, unredacted Meullitallover report. Or, it can ask Meullitallover to come in and answer questions about his report. Or, it can subpoena a copy of the complete, unredacted Meullitallover report.
Or, it can stand on its head on a street corner and sing “Ave Tia Maria” until the complete, unredacted Meullitallover report spontaneously appears in front of it. Given the intransigence of the McDruhitmumpf Grey House and the complicity of its Attorney General, it’s hard to say which approach would be the most effective.