by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
He knows when you’ve been sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He knows when you’ve been plotting a terrorist attack on civilian targets within the United States, so don’t plot a terrorist attack on civilian targets within the United States…for goodness sake.
And, now, the CIA knows, too.
According to a document released to the Alternate Reality News Service after a Freedom of Information, Seriously, Thanks request, the CIA has been quietly gathering information from the Elf on the Shelf. “That information is a private communication between the Elf and Santa!” gasped American Civil Liberties Union stud muffin Albert deFresco, his eyes widening adorably to indicate just how shocking this revelation was.
The practice was established over a decade ago by a pair of executive orders (which, apparently, don’t upset US) signed by then-President Bush, the Younger. It was codenamed, inevitably, Operation Secret Santa. Since then, the CIA has averaged 2,317 requests, 1,312 urgent pleas, 2,874 hoarsely whispered entreaties and 7,397 desperate threats to do itself bodily harm if it doesn’t get what it wants for information from communications between Elves on the Shelf…ves and their boss.
“And, they didn’t even bother getting a court order!” deFresco cried, putting a knuckle in his mouth to stop him from further expressing his outrage. The effect was a little forced, but still well within the parameters of cuddly.
“Court order? Don’t make me piss myself laughing!” roared General Otis. T. Mayfly at a hastily convened press conference. (How hasty? The cutlery was on the wrong side of the plate and, if you listened ccarefully, you could still hear the roast beef mooing!) “I’ve already had to clean this uniform once this week!”
General Mayfly looked a little misty for a couple of seconds, before continuing: “Russian intelligence has been tapping The Mensch on the Bench for years! Oh, and you don’t think China is mining information from the Monk on the Trunk? Don’t be naive! And, what about the Saudis learning all the can from the Fakir on the Chair? They don’t need a ferking court order, believe you me! Anybody who complains about this wants America to fight on the international stage with one hand tied behind its back, and, even though we would still kick ass, it would be awkward and wouldn’t make for good movies 20 years from now, so I, for one, will not stand for it!”
Why monitor Elf on the Shelf communications in the first place? Legend has it that the doll is a household mole for Santa Claus, reporting to him on a daily basis the details of whether children are being naughty or nice. Still, the children who keep them in their bedrooms generally range in age from three to seven (with the occasional 40 year-old doll collector); what possible threat could children pose to the security of the United States?
“Are you serious?” General MayFly shouted, chomping down on a table and bringing his fist down hard on a cigar. “The little bastards who terrorize their mothers this year become the not so little bastards who terrorize the nation next year!” Upon a moment’s reflection, he added: “Well, maybe 10 years from now – but, eventually!
Do you have any children? one of the reporters (it wasn’t me, I swear! I…I was at home reading a book alone with my wife at the time the coroner has determined the question was asked!) asked inquired. “Seventeen!” General Mayfly responded. “And, believe me, if I can’t get some peace on Christmas, I’d rather be working in the Pentagon so everybody else can!”
“Aaaaaaah!” deFresco moaned, pulling at his hair. “Our privacy is being taken away from is. It’s being taken away, I tell you! Can’t anybody do anything!” Hey, look, I love the ACLU as much as the next white, male, upwardly mobile, champagne sipping, expense account using, guilt-ridden centrist. They do important work. But, that was over the top.
Although started by Republicans, Elf on the Shelf information sharing requests have increased substantially under the Democratic Obama administration; confusingly, it has given the practice a scent of lavender to make them more palatable to the public.
“Yeah, okay, we do that,” President Obama admitted, looking abashed about the whole business as only he can. (He clearly practices the look in the mirror.) Then, he went on to give an impassioned two hour speech about race relations in the United States.
The Elf on the Shelf numbers weren’t broken down by race, but that gives me a good idea for my next FoIST request…