by NANCY GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH, Alternate Reality News Service Technology Writer
They all laughed when Joe Btfsplk (it was the depression – nobody could afford vowels for their last names) would appear with a rain cloud over his head. For Joe Nuggets, a rain cloud constantly over his head isn’t a metaphor for bad luck, it is fast becoming a way of life.
“I’ve almost gotten used to the soggy feeling,” Nuggets complained, “but, at the rate I’m going, the cost of constantly replacing umbrellas will bankrupt me in seven years and three months!”
Nuggets, the bursar for the University of Taking a Bath, noted that the cloud appeared over his head six days and 12 hours after his first date with Marian Killhusband, a professor of dead romance languages at the University. “But I…I’m sure that’s just a coincidence,” he commented.
“Coincidence my adorable dimply arse!” Killhusband commented back at him. “This is Gerrard’s fault. He could never accept that it was all over between us! If I ever get my hands on that weasel, there’ll be weasel soup for the entire department!”
Gerrard Batfoosplak, senior researcher in the Department of Fringe Science of Taking a Bath University?
“I sure as crumble wasn’t talking about Gerrard Bafootasplak, senior researcher in the Department of Warehouse 13, was I?” Killhusband roared.
Apparently not.
“I have no idea what Marian is talking about,” Batfoosplak said from behind the desk in his cubbyhole office. “I wish her and – * SOB * – Chicken Nuggets all the happiness in the…in the…okay, world may be overstating the case – all the happiness in the Commonwealth. The UK? Okay, all the happiness in Taking a Bath. And that’s my final – * SOB * – offer!”
I couldn’t help but notice that a photograph of Nuggets banging an office stapler (as opposed to a civilian stapler) vending machine that appeared to be shorting out because of the rain falling on it had been pinned to a dart board on the back of the door to his cubbyhole.
“What, that?” Batfoosplak responded in what he probably thought was an off-hand way, but came across as more of an off-spleen way. “I’m just practising for the weekly darts tournament down by the Bat and Balloonatic.”
When I pointed out that the cubbyhole was so small he could place the darts on the board, Batfoosplak mumbled something about the house rules at the pub being very generous.
The Rain in Spain is a Big Pain Again, one of the research projects listed on the Department of Fringe Science’s web page, is a machine that would use electrical impulses to induce coy water droplets in the atmosphere to commit to becoming rain. This romantic notion would be of benefit to deserts, farmlands and the Egyptian Casino in Las Vegas.
“Gerrard has nothing to do with our research,” claimed Oliphant “Spaghetti” Serenghetti, lead researcher on the Rain Spain Pain project. “Although, now that you mention it, he has been helping us with tech support for the past couple of months, even though he doesn’t know a byte on the computer from a byte on the arse! I wonder why I didn’t see that before. No matter – I’ll have a talk with the lad. I’m sure we’ll be able to sort this out.”
“Have a talk with the – glub!” Nuggets exclaimed. Spitting out a mouthful of water, he continued: “He’s ruining my life! The time for talk is past – what we need now is a good disciplinary hearing!”
To date, Nuggets has been barred from eight movie theatres and six restaurants. “It’s the water damage, you see,” said Cassandra Caerpaerts, the owner of the Didn’t See That One Coming Cafe. “Charlie’s a nice guy and all, but I can’t afford to close down part of the cafe every couple of weeks to repair the floor and walls!”
Killhusband had conflicted feelings. “Charlie is dreamy…in a sodden sort of way,” she told me. “Poor sod. But I can’t have him over – my cats hate the rain! Furball on Legs runs around in circles and has to be given a catnip cocktail to calm down, and Mungo Geraldine plots revenge on the bottom level of her cat tree – the one universally acknowledged as the driest level of them all – until the rain stops.”
If something wasn’t done to stop the personal precipitation soon, Nuggets said that he could lose his research fellowship at the University. “Electronics and water don’t mix,” he glumly intoned. “I prove that every day…”
“Tough break,” Batfoosplak snickered. “Still, Charlie could always get a job standing in a farmer’s field during growing season in the middle of the worst dry spell since last year. Hell, if he played his cards right, he could get double pay for being a scarecrow! You’ve always got to look on the bright side…”