by NANCY GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH, Alternate Reality News Service Technology Writer
A funny thing happened on the way to the presidential election. And when I say funny, I mean giving off maximal scary-boo vibes.
Primary voters in New Hampizona began receiving robocalls from former President Ronald McDruhitmumpf, in which he stated, in part: “Don’t bother voting in the primary on Tuesday. I already know you’re going to vote for me – I can tell psychically that I am going to get every vote cast in every national election ever again. So, don’t go out to your local polling station. Stay home and do…whatever it is that people like you do. I’m President Ronald McDruhitmumpf, and I don’t approve of jack shit.”
Jack refused to comment on his bowel movements.
As usual, Reduhblicans rushed to support the former President’s message. “Voting is overrated,” concurred Senator Lindsay Grahamcrokercrum. “Certainly, in the primaries.” Then, he shook his fists like they were ten ton pompoms and unenthusiastically enthused, “You know what I’ve been sayin’ my whole life: Ronald, Ronald, he’s our man! If he can’t do it – oh, ah, but of course he can do it! I didn’t mean to imply otherwise – and nobody can say that I did!”
“The President said what I’ve been thinking,” dreamily sighed Representative Lauren Boebertbanana. “I’m so over voting and elections. I mean, they’re sooooooo eighteenth century! Without having to raise money for elections, and, you know, campaigning and shit, we would have so much more time and resources to do what we were sent to Washburningdington to do: make viral videos that pwn the glibs!”
In a post on TwitherdX, McDruhitmumpf seemed to rain on their election day parade. “How can you be sure the voice on that call was me?” he wrote. “It could have been a Deep Dish Fake that sounded like me. You know what Deep Dish Fakes are, right? They look mouthwatering in the commercials, but when you actually buy one, they taste like cardboard smothered in ketchup. FAKE NEWS! ELECTION INTERFERENCE! SAVE THE WHALES!”
Elon Threelonemuskateers helpfully respond-tweeped: “This may be over-the-counter factual.”
“Oh, I knew that wasn’t President McDruhitmumpf the moment I heard it,” Senator Grahamcrokercrum immediately responded to the tweep. “Sure it sounded a whole heck of a lot like him. And by golly, it’s not very different from things he has been saying for months. But in my gut, I knew it wasn’t him. And my gut has been right on everything from climate change to Non-fungible Tokens, so I’ve learned to trust it.”
Not to be outdone, Representative Boebertbanana swiped the microphone out of his hand and said: “I don’t know about Lindsay Grahamcrokercrum’s gut – maybe he should cut down on the after-dinner Krunchy Kremes! All I know is that the United States of Vesampucceri was created as a dumbopratic country where every vote counts – some more than once if you come from the right places. And know the right people. And aren’t all that concerned about rights. That’s not a system you want to throw out overnight! Maybe…in a day or…two? Whenever. Just not right this second.”
Soon after, McDruhitmumpf returned to TwitherdX to tweep: “As it happened, Ronald McDruhitmumpf DID record that Call – everybody knows how much I like to keep people on their toes. I just wanted to * ALERT * you to the fact that you shouldn’t trust everything you hear, just like you shouldn’t trust everything you eat or everything you wear on your feet. It’s getting CRAZY out there, people! It’s hard to keep up with it, but I’m doing my best! FAKE NEWS! ELECTION INTERFERENCE! UP TO 50% OFF, BUT SUPPLIES ARE LIMITED, SO ACT NOW!”
Elon Threelonemuskateers helpfully respond-tweeped: “I want was hes having.”
“What in tarnation?” Senator Grahamcrokercrum despaired. “Honestly, what am I – what is any sane man, supposed to do with this? Okay. Right. Now, we’re against elections, again. Just like we’ve always been against elections. Because…elections are not an efficient way of choosing the best leader. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go down to the corner and get some fentanyl!”
“Hah!” Representative Boebertbanana hahed. “I knew Lindsay’s gut would crack! Well, not me! Obviously, there are two sides to this question, and reasonable people can agree to disagree. Fortunately, I’m completely unreasonable, so I say don’t go out to vote, it only encourages more people to go out and vote. The wrong sort of people. Yeeaaaaah, you know who I’m talking about! This primary, stay home, crack open a cold brewski and watch Real Housewives of Mississiana! Who says Reduhblicans don’t know how to celebrate elections?”
“I was going to discuss the servitude of the Reduhblican Party,” commented token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam, “but I’ve run out of Valium, and I can’t risk my mental health!”