Father Michael was busy preparing his sermon for the day in his study. There had been some problems in his parish over the question of allowing gay Catholics to be involved with religious services which he felt needed to be addressed. He particularly wanted to stress passages such as “love thy neighbour as thyself” and “judge not lest ye be judged” which, to him, represented the wisdom of a loving god.
As was his wont, Father Michael lost track of time as he tried to find just the right combination of scripture and moral argument (what he thought of as his “psalm and dance”) to make his parishioners understand and accept his philosophical argument. Thus it was that he had no idea how long he had been at it when his door door burst open, splinters flying, and the man in the miter lurched in.
“Fodder Michael?” the man asked.
“Y…yes. Who are you?”
“Ratzinger. Joseph Ratzinger.”
“Not a Cardinal of the Holy Mother Church and leader of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith!”
“Da same!”
Father Michael could feel a constriction in his chest. “Whu…what can I do for you, Cardinal Ratzinger?” he managed to say.
“I hear youse got a lot of gay parishioners.”
“There is a large gay community in my parish, and -“
“Dey don’t have…intimate relations, do dey?”
“I wouldn’t know. When they walk through the door, I don’t ask them if they’re sexually active.”
“Why not?”
“I’m sorry.”
“Surely, Fodder Michael, dey admit to it in Confession.”
“Some, do, but -“
“You know dat homosexual fornication is an abomination in da sight of god. I trust dat you are making it clear ta dem dat as long as dey engage in dis aberrant behaviour, deir souls’re condemned to an eternity of damnation.”
“I don’t see it quite like that, Cardinal.”
“Youse don’t?”
“We were all made in god’s image, after all, and all share in his infinite love.”
“Infinite love, hunh?” Cardinal Ratzinger thought about this for a moment, then exploded: “Who do you think you are? A simple parish Priest lecturing a Cardinal o’ Rome! Listen up, buddy boy. I got da ear o’ da Pope. You understan’? Nuttin I say comes widout da approval of da Pope, who is infallible. Does youse understand da meaning of da word infallible?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, den.”
“But -“
“Still infallible.”
“I understand that, but -“
“In. Fall. Ible.”
“I get it. Infallible.”
“Youse wouldn’t want ta cross me. If you did, you could find dat t’ings break.”
“Was that a threat?”
“I’m Cardinal Ratzinger. I don’t need ta make t’reats. My existence in dis place at dis time should be t’reat enough.”
“Threat of what, exactly?”
“Like, yer relationship wit’ Rome. It’d be a pity if dat should just…break.”
“Are you threatening me with excommunication?”
“I didn’t say dat. I implied it heavily, but I didn’t actually say dat.”
“You would excommunicate me for seeing to the needs of my parishioners.”
“See, Fodder, when youse put it dat way, it almost sounds unreasonable. In Rome, we prefer to t’ink of it as not bein’ complicit in sinners goin’ ta Hell.”
“You…you know, when I find myself in these kinds of situations, I always ask myself what Christ would do.”
“Make youse a deal. When ya gets ta heaven, youse can ask him. In da meantime, as long as ya live in dis world, youse gotta do what da Pope says.”
“The infallible Pope.”
“Yeah. Dat one.”
Father Michael slumped in his chair, defeated. “Okay, Ratzinger. You win. What do you want me to do?”
“Preach fire! Preach brimstone! Put such a fear o’ god into dose headen bastards dat dey’ll cut deir own members off before dey have anudder sexual t’aught. T’ink yer up ta dat, Fodder?”
Father Michael nodded quietly and thought to himself, “Heaven help the world if this man ever becomes Pope…”
NEXT!: “Ratzinger, you rat bastahd! How n’Hell are ya?”
“Dis is not a social call, Romero, you Latin American Communist, youse. I’m here ta reason wit youse about dis whole Liberation T’eology t’ing. I wanna bring you back into da flock, Romero, but, if dat don’t work, I’m gonna hafta take youse down.”
“Bring it on, Ratzinger! Bring. It. On.”
WILL THE CARDINAL BE ABLE TO PUT AN END TO THE UNAUTHORIZED PRIESTLY SUPPORT OF A POPULAR MOVEMENT FOR THE POOR, AVERTING A SCHISM WITHIN THE CATHOLIC CHURCH? OR, WILL HIS LATIN AMERICAN NEMESIS PREVAIL? FIND OUT ON THE NEXT EXCITING EPISODE OF CARDINAL RATZINGER, VATICAN ENFORCER!