by GIDEON GINRACHMANJINJa-VITUS, Alternate Reality News Service Economics Writer
Jeremiah Piscatore has been an auto mechanic for 27 years. The profession has been good to him: with the money he earned, he was able to send two children to college and one child to Bogota, Colombia. (He’d rather not talk about it.) Just last summer, he and his wife, Moiryna, went on a wine tasting tour of Uzbekistan. However, all that may be coming to an abrupt end.
“Damn conscious universe is killing my business, here!”
It used to be – “Time was that when somebody brought in a car with a pinging sound, I could tell him that it was the catalytic crankcase confabulator,” Piscatore interrupted my introductory sentence. “Yeah, sure, you and I know that there’s no such thing as a catalytic crankcase confabulator; but what mook do you think is gonna pay 700 smackers for me to tighten a loose bolt?”
As Piscatore explained it, when everything in the universe developed consciousness, people could talk directly to their cars before they took them in to be serviced. Sometimes, the cars told them how to fix a simple problem, making a trip to the repair shop unnecessary. However, even when the owners couldn’t make the repairs themselves, they had been told what was wrong with their cars, making it impossible for mechanics to charge them for unnecessary work.
“Manga fantastibule amorches!” Piscatore commented in colourful, though dubiously authentic, Italian.
“Well, it’s about loyalty, isn’t it? Oh, yes, yes it is. Yes, it is about loyalty,” a ’97 Ford Escapade explained. “I love my owner, yes I do, and my owner loves me. So, I would never tell it something that wasn’t true. Who’s a good car? Who’s a good car, now? I am! I’m a good car!”
In just over two years, the average auto mechanic’s annual income has dropped 76%.
Used car sales have fared a little better, with only a 32% average drop in annual income. Used cars are torn between their loyalty for the salesmen, on whose lots they may have sat for several months, and the people who come in to buy them.
“It’s the craziest thing,” commented Phil “Big Daddy” Phung of Phil Big Daddy Phung’s Newly Used and Used Anew Motors. “We used to have to sweet talk the customers to get them to buy our used cars. Now, we have to sweet talk the cars not to tell the customers about the leak in the oil pan or the weak axel.”
Big Daddy Phung added that the relationship between the salesman and the car was a delicate balancing act: the car had to feel close enough to the sales staff to not want to reveal its flaws to a prospective customer, but not so close that it would refuse to be sold.
“We had an ’87 Ford Pinto Bean that started making up crazy shit about metal-devouring termites eating away its chassis just so it wouldn’t be sold,” Big Daddy Phung said. “After six months, we realized that we would never be able to get it off the lot, so we had it put down. Sure, it was like losing a member of the family. It was like the end of Old Yeller, with motor oil. On the other hand, the other cars on the lot got the message – nine meekly allowed themselves to be sold in the next week alone!”
There are indications that the auto repair industry may bounce back. Mechanics have realized – “Yeah, somebody figured out that individual parts of the cars are conscious, too,” Piscatore interrupted again. “So, if we convinced a part that it had become broken because of the neglect of its owner, it could petulantly refuse to get better and we could charge extra for ‘automotive therapy’ before we fixed the car.”
Many older mechanics have not been able to adjust to the new skill set needed to make money from fixing conscious cars. “You keep telling them that engine blocks are stubborn and exhaust pipes are always open to bribes, but do they listen?” Piscatore stated. “They keep saying to themselves, ‘Can’t I just lie about replacing the fan belt? THAT, I understand.’
“Some people just don’t seem to want to make money.”