Perfidy, thy name is Liberal Democrat!
The battle was over. When the dust had settled, it was clear that the President had lost and Communist subversion of the entire free world had won. The President had done everything in his power to forestall the outcome: he had suggested that the Sandinista government was the latest domino to fall under Russian sway and hinted that if aid to the rebel contras did not go through, American troops might be needed in Nicaragua. But, in the end, even calling himself a contra availed his policy naught: the House had voted against the $100 million aid package.
What to do? The next morning, things were grim at the emergency Cabinet meeting. The President paced up and down, watched only by his four top, most trusted officials.
“I’m telling you,” Secretary of State John Wayne grimly stated, “We’ve been taking the wrong approach. We should have sent in the Marines, cleared the area of anybody who opposed our point of view and let out boys take command of the situation.”
“Send the Marines to Nicaragua?” the President glumly asked.
“Hell, no!” Wayne replied. “Who said anything about Nicaragua? I was talking about the House of Representatives!”
Clint Eastwood, Secretary of Defense, squinted his eyes and took the cigar out of his mouth long enough to observe, “You have to come across as tougher, sir. You should have stared them down and said, ‘Feeling lucky, punk?'”
The President was confused. “Who? The House?”
“No…” Eastwood, choosing his words carefully, replied, “Nicaragua.”
Secretary of Education Groucho Marx jumped out of his chair, a copy of a prominent Washington newspaper in his hand, and paced parallel to the President. “Contrary House Contradicts Contra Band!” he shouted. “Is this a newspaper headline or a Cole Porter lyric?”
The President smiled, then, noticing that Groucho was pacing just like him, sat down. There was no compelling reason to have the Secretary of Education there, but he made the President laugh.
“I have the solution to all your problems!” Groucho continued, charting a new course between Eastwood and Wayne. “Let’s get the House of Representatives to approve a $100 million aid package to our school system! We’ll use it to buy textbooks that explain where Nicaragua is and portray Russians as ignorant, illiterate pig breeders who want to rule the world. We’ll completely destroy international relations, the public will be in an uproar, our children won’t be taught any better and all it will have cost you is 100 million bucks!”
“He makes me laugh…” the President said, ignoring the disapproving looks of the other Secretaries present.
“Well,” Groucho added, “don’t blame if our children think that Nicaragua is two days drive from Harlingen, Texas.”
“You mean, it isn’t?” the President asked. After a few moments of embarrassed silence, he said, “You’ve been awfully quiet, Jack.”
Jack Benny, Secretary of the Treasury, was awfully quiet when he stated, “You know I’ve been against this from the beginning, Mr. President. We simply can’t afford to be giving money to every dubious military venture that comes along…”
“He’s just lost the key to the vault!” Groucho quipped.
“I’ve had just about enough of your insolence!” Eastwood said, squinting furiously at him.
“I’d be worried,” Groucho responded, “if I thought for a moment that you knew what insolence meant.”
“Go ahead,” Eastwood snarled. “Make my day.”
“Gentlemen, please,” the President said, hoping to defuse the tension in the room, “this is a serious matter, and we should be working together on it.”
“Jack,” Wayne said, “getting the funds isn’t a problem. If we have to, we can always take some money from social programmes…”
“Well,” Benny responded, not totally convinced, “as long as the deficit isn’t increased substantially…”
“What’s a little environmental protection,” Wayne continued, “when the fate of the entire free world is at stake? I’d rather have a free country without trees than a Commie forest! Then, there’s always Health, Education and Welfare…”
“Hold on a second,” Groucho interrupted, “I sense some misplaced priorities and I’d like to adjourn to under a street lamp to find them.”
“Meaning what?” Eastwood drawled.
“Didn’t I leave you behind back at insolence?” Groucho replied.
The meeting exploded in a torrent of abuse.
The President sat back and closed his eyes. In a few minutes, the Cabinet meeting was to start in earnest, and it wasn’t going to be as much fun as the one he had been imagining!