1) What is Chief of Staff John Kelly thinking in the photo below?
a) “Don’t slap forehead! Don’t slap forehead! Don’t slap forehead! But…I could have had a V-8!”
b) “Still too close – we need a much longer table!”
c) “If I pray hard enough, will this all go away?”
d) other
2) Who said, “do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, as long as ever you can?”
a) Linus on the A Very Methodist Peanuts Christmas special
b) Mark Zuckerberg (right after his lawyers told him it would help him stave off a Congressional investigation)
c) nobody – does it sound like something an actual human being would say?
3) If Google searches were votes, would Scheer be PM?
a) if wishes were horses, would Uber be putting saddle makers out of business?
b) if I could save time in a bottle, would physicists insist on pointing out that it was not possible in a universe where the speed of light is a constant?
c) if journalists were cynical, would the world be in such bad sha…oh, wait – they are, aren’t they?
4) How can I make sure I’m happier in 2018?
a) stop watching Fox News
b) stop watching Fox News and start gobbling magic mushrooms
c) stop watching Fox News, start gobbling magic mushrooms and keep telling yourself that all of the weapons that you’ve been stockpiling will keep your personal demons at bay because…because…oh, damn, where did I put the magic mushrooms?
5) What’s the best way to avoid crying while cutting an onion?
a) have your roommate cut the onion
b) have your roommate cut the onion while you’re out of the apartment
c) have a burger at Burger Bush and let them cut the damn onion!
6) Twenty-eight Russian athletes who had been found guilty of illegal drug use and banned from the Olympics for life by the IOC, have been found innocent by the Court of Arbitration for Sports and had their status reinstated. With just a week to go before the winter Olympics in Pyeongchang, South Korea. How about that?
a) a couple of weeks in Russia feels like a lifetime anywhere else, so that seems fair
b) pah! – if it doesn’t come down to the last second, it’s not dramatic enough!
c) born again luge – you just have to believe!
7) According to Donald Trump’s personal lawyer Michael Cohen, he paid porn star Stormy Daniels $130,000 to keep her from talking publicly about her affair with Donald Trump. Paid her out of his own pocket. Like, with his own money. Like, not with campaign money or anything like that! No, absolutely nothing like that! His own money! How credible is this statement?
a) on a scale of arglebargle to bebopalula, it’s a definite pope’s pompleferry
b) on a scale of of herring guts to sheepdog intestines, it’s a definite Siamese sacroiliac
c) on a scale of “Of course, lawyers give money to their clients instead of receiving it from them all the time!” to “Do you think I’m a complete moron‽”, it’s a definite “Do you think I’m a complete moron‽”
8) On Monday, Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller brought 32 charges against Rick Gates. On Tuesday, Gates plead guilty to two additional charges, and the original 32 were dropped. What happened to them?
a) they were caught behind the event horizon of the 24 news cycle; at some point, they will radiate outwards as wisps of rumour
b) the variable gravity on the Special Prosecutor’s office made them heavier than osmium, and they dropped through the floor and were last seen headed for the Earth’s crust
c) don’t call them heroes – they became…legends…
9) President Trump announced plans to impose tariffs on imported steel; the stock market lost 400 points. What is the White House’s best strategy for denying that there is a connection between the two events?
a) “It’s not like I ever claimed that there was a connection between my presidency and what was happening in the stock market!”
b) “When the stock market started to tank, I knew that quick action was called for, so I decided to put tariffs on steel to help American business. What?”
c) “Cause and effect are overrated.”
10) Have you ever wondered what condoms talk about while they’re waiting to be used?
a) no
b) eww
c) yes, but then I stopped gobbling the magic mushrooms, and the urgency of the question seemed to go away…
d) other
11) A woman wins more votes, but arcane rules give the leadership to a man. What does this describe?
a) the US Presidential election
b) the Ontario Progressive Conservative leadership election
c) life
12) Who would win if Trudeau battled Ford over the carbon tax?
a) Trudeau would win the target practice competition – he’s been a target his entire life
b) Ford would win the 100 metre dash to get away from the press
c) the oil industry would win as long as the battle continued (but, shh…)
13) The United States is using the North American free trade talks to pressure Canada to abandon efforts to create a mandatory labelling system for unhealthy foods. Why would it do that?
a) Washington’s new trade policy is caveat emptor (let the buyer eat caves)
b) labelling unhealthy foods could lead to trade protectionism because…because…well, obviously, because – SHUT UP!
c) there is a poor health gap between the US and other countries, which makes them unfairly more productive, and that’s unfair because…because…well, obviously, because – SHUT UP AGAIN!
14) How do I feel better about my body?
a) stop asking the mirror if you’re the fairest in the land
b) stop listening to the mirror when it answers your question about being the fairest in the land
c) stop going to movies, watching TV or reading magazines that promote unrealistic beauty standards…so, basically, go live in a cave
15) Who said “Today, I feel that Fox News is assaulting our constitutional order and the rule of law?”
a) Russell Peters
b) Ralph Peters
c) Oscar Peterson
16) President Trump has claimed that he knew nothing about the $130,000 payment his lawyer made to adult film actor Stormy Daniels. If this is true, how could he have been a party to her non-disclosure agreement?
a) Trump always believed that details are for the little people
b) David Dennison lives!
c) see question 7 and weep
17) What is the least convincing argument the right has suggested that the Stormy Daniels affair (in all of the word’s senses, including the transitive binomial) is not important?
a) the insinuation that Daniels is actually George Soros in drag
b) oh, come on, you would have done her in a second if you had had the chance! All this whining is just jealousy! What? You wouldn’t? Don’t be ridiculous! Of course you would ha – no? Seriously? You wouldn’t? Well…you must be gay, then, and your opinion doesn’t count!
c) we can’t repeat how we feel about the porn star in a family publication, but it rhymes with witch hunt!
d) all of the above
18) TD Bank has restricted its brokers from recommending almost all marijuana firms and exchange-traded funds (ETFs) to its clients. Why, oh, why would it do such a thing, I wonder?
a) the bank is waiting for crack to be made legal because touting cannabis stocks just doesn’t give it enough of a high any more
b) the bank is concerned about the effects of marijuana use on Canada’s youth – some of its traders are barely in their fifties!
c) although legal in some US states, marijuana isn’t legal federally, and too much toking has made TD executives forget what country they live in
d) other
19) What is a “manel?”
a) wasn’t it a TV series in the 1980s about a man who was a little too comfortable with his inner beast?
b) I have no idea – I never read them…
c) I don’t know, but I was thinking of consulting a panel of experts – they’re all men, so they should know what they’re talking about…
20) What if the robots do take our jobs?
a) you…you mean I won’t have to go into…that office and deal with…those people ever again? OH MY GORD, IT CAN’T HAPPEN SOON ENOUGH!
b) we’ll have more time to contemplate President Trump’s affair with Stormy Danie – OH, MY GORD, WE MUST DO EVERYTHING IN OUR POWER TO ENSURE THAT THIS NEVER HAPPENS!
c) science fiction writers will rejoice that they finally got something about the future right