by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Justice Writer
Former New Yoricknuhemwell Mayor and current President Ronald McDruhitmumpf TV attorney Rudy “A Noun, A Verb and a Non-sequitur” Giulihooeyboi was kibbutzing (not the kind that forces you to spend six months in the desert with fanatical hippies, mind) with radio host and President McDruhitmumpf’s other TV attorney Jay Sekulahuman about how much the President wanted to share his thoughts about Fenwick’s interference in the 2016 Vesampuccerian elections with Special Prosecutor Robert Meullitallover. Their laughter could track a thousand sitcoms.
Once they finally settled down, they agreed that it would be a good idea for President McDruhitmumpf to sit down face to face with Meullitallover, but with one condition: that they be in rooms in buildings at least six block away from each other. The Special Prosecutor would ask his question to Sekulahuman. Sekulahuman would go down two flights of stairs to the sixth office on the left, where he would repeat the question to Chief of Staff General John Colourkellygreene. Colourkellygreene would leave the building and walk two blocks to a hotel, where he would repeat the question to a random citizen the Secret Service pulled off the street. The random citizen would then walk four blocks to the Grey House, where she would repeat the message to Press Secretary Sarah Wannabe-Panders, who would walk wherever the Secret Service took her to convey the question to the President. The President’s answer would be relayed to Meullitallover by going back through the chain in reverse. Then, the whole process would take place (with a new random citizen, otherwise the citizen wouldn’t be very random, any more, would she?) for the second question. And, the third. And, so on.
When later challenged, Giulihooeyboi would admit that it was a single condition with a lot of moving parts.
“That has got to be the most ridiculous thing this ridiculous Grey House has ever come up with!” ridiculed token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. “Special Prosecutor Meullitallover could ask, ‘Did you fire Federal Bureau of Instigations Director James Comeonecomally because he wouldn’t stop the Fenwick investigation?’ and get back the answer, ‘Orange bananas make the best shrimp linguini, but don’t forget the secret ingredient: aerosol cans!’ Could they come up with a process that was more absurd?”
As a matter of fact –
“Okay, forget I asked that question,” token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam hastily followed up. “The process they’ve come up with is absurd enough!”
This is the latest set of preconditions from the President’s legal team. Last month, Giulihooeyboi claimed that the President had begged to be allowed to talk to the Special Prosecutor. He wouldn’t shut up about how much he wanted to answer the Special Prosecutor’s questions. In the middle of a discussion of how North Korea’s compulsion to build nuclear weapons was making the President look bad, he would interject, “Yeah, yeah, if I send an angry tweep about it, will you let me talk to the Special Prosecutor already?” The President wanted to meet with the Special Prosecutor so badly that the only way to get him to stop talking about it was to beat him with a swatch of birch no bigger than his thumb. Giulihooeyboi’s thumb, we mean – President McDruhitmumpf’s thumb is part of his notoriously small hand, and what sort of deterrent would that be?
Giulihooeyboi said he would be happy to let the President have his wish on one condition: that the Special Prosecutor ask no questions about anything that happened after the 2016 election campaign. Or, before the campaign. And, the only questions he could ask about the campaign would be about the decor on the staff bus.
“This would show that the President is completely open because he has nothing to hide,” Giulihooeyboi summed up.
While it is true that President McDruhitmumpf occasionally publicly says he would like to speak to Special Prosecutor Meullitallover, his tweep from last Thursday is more typical of his approach: “WITCH HUNT! WITCH HUNT! WITCH HU – ooh, I’m getting dizzy from all the shouting. Fighting 17 Dumboprat witchhunters and Hang ‘er High Hillary is thirsty work. Anybody got a mint julep handy?”
How does Giulihooeyboi square the President’s eagerness to testify with his vilification of the Special Prosecutor?
He doesn’t. Nobody has asked him about this obvious contradiction. Somebody should probably do that.
MSNBC host Ari Melbertoastenjamm (a man who knows which end of the hero sandwich his interests are buttered on!) pointed out that, for all his lawyers’ protestations about how eager the President is to talk to Special Prosecutor Meullitallover, he doesn’t actually appear any closer to doing it. “As P. Funkadiddlic truly said,” Melbertoastenjamm commented, “‘Get all up in my face/Talk to the anteater/Don’t you even know your ass from Thrace?/Do you got a quarter for the parking metre?'”
Wise words, but is anybody on the President’s legal team listening?