Say you’re at a party. It happens. Then somebody brings up the subject of the breakup of the Soviet Union. Do you respond: A) “It had to happen sooner or later — command economies are inherently inefficient;” B) “I wonder what happened to that peace dividend everybody was talking about?” or; C) “They broke up? Didn’t they just release an album?”
If you responded with answer A or B, you’d better be prepared for several hours of socio-politico-economic debate. And you have nobody to blame but yourself. However, if you properly delivered answer C (that is, with a delicate mixture of superiority and sarcasm), you would not only come across as hip, but you would earn the gratitude of everybody else at the party, none of whom are eager for a lengthy econo-socio-political debate, by effectively closing off continued discussion of the subject.
Unfortunately, ironic distance usually involves some measure of wit, something which cannot be expected to just appear when needed. Fear not, faithful partygoers! I have prepared a list of responses to current subjects which, if declared with just the right amount of wholeheartedly sincere insincerity and fervent ennui, will make you the hit of any party.
If a subject should come up which is not on the following list, I recommend one of two fallback plans. If the subject is a person, snottily ask, “Who?” If the subject is not a person, make a rude remark about the Swiss.
BLACK, CONRAD: “Yawn…has he made a bid for my high school newspaper yet?”
BLOOM, HAROLD: “If ever an American mind needing closing…!”
CAMPAIGN FINANCE SCANDAL, THE: “The gift that keeps on giving.”
CHINA REGAINS HONG KONG: “Hey — a billion tourists can’t be wrong!”
COREN, MICHAEL: “An intellectual thug, even if he has a national following, would smell so rank.”
CYBERPUNK: “Science fiction on speed.”
DAWKINS, RICHARD: “I meme of Jeannie.”
EBONICS: “If I hear one more word on that subject, I gwan be sick!”
FEMALE CONDOMS: “You could shelter an elephant in one of those things!”
FETISH NIGHTS: “You know what they say about dominatrices and bankers…”
GINGRICH, NEWT: “I’d lend him a few hundred thousand bucks not to like me, too.”
HARRIS, MIKE: “I’m sure those single mothers who are being cut from the Welfare rolls are happy that Bob Rae got the message.”
HEAVEN’S GATE CULT: “A pocketful of quarters just doesn’t seem to get you as far as it used to…”
HEROIN: “I agree with Jody Foster — there should be more parts in film for strong women!”
HISTORY, CANADIAN: “You mean something happened before Pierre Trudeau was Prime Minister? Why wasn’t I told about this?”
HUBBLE TELESCOPE: “NASA is so cheap — for an extra $29.99 they could have gotten it tinted.”
INTERNET, THE: “I’d rather eat out.”
INTERNET, PORN ON THE: “I’d rather eat out.”
KACZYNSKI, TED: “Couldn’t somebody edit this guy?”
KASPAROV, GARY: “It’s not like he’s the first human being to lose his job to a computer!”
MAGAZINES, CANADIAN: “Is it journalistically ethical to write about endangered species after you’ve become one?”
MILITIAMEN: “Oh, get over yourselves!”
PROGRAMMED STOCK TRADING: “If you don’t like it, change the channel!”
PYNCHON, THOMAS: “He’s no Brett Easton Ellis!”
QUANTUM PHYSICS: “Oh, do you have to be so shallow?!”
ROSWELL: “I could tell you what really happened, but then I’d have to abduct you.”
SATIRISTS: “Oh, get over myself!”
STAR WARS RERELEASES: “It’s never as good as the first 37 times, is it?”
SWITZERLAND HELPING NAZIS LOOT EUROPE: “You know what they say about bankers and dominatrices…”
TICKLE ME ELMO: “Gag me Bubba!”
TITANIC, JAMES CAMERON VERSION: “I hate jokes that write themselves — it makes every amateur think he’s a Letterman!”
TYSON, MIKE (1): “Ear! Ear!”
TYSON, MIKE (2): “After hearing so many boxers say they intend to make a meal out of their opponent, it’s nice to find one who really meant it!”
WOMEN’S BREASTS: “Surely, men in Ontario hadn’t completely forgotten that women had them?”
ZAIRE: “Oh, get over yourself!”