Reprinted from White Freedom and Corn Chips: The Monthly Newsletter of Bigots Without Borders/Bigots sans Frontieres (November, 2016).
Dear Adolf,
I was sitting on the streetcar the other day, minding my own business listening to Hammer Not Anvil’s “White Power, Black Tie.” I love the chorus – “Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate!” – it doesn’t get any simpler, but more meaningful, than that. I was grinning to myself. The people sitting around me must have thought I was a pleasant enough fellow; the fools had no idea that I was the vanguard of the white race.
Then, this black woman wearing a scarf over her head got on and sat behind me. Well! I couldn’t let that provocation go un…provoked!
I got up, walked over to where the woman was sitting and said, “You may as well go back to where you came from, because if you don’t go voluntarily, the government will make you go!” My voice was calm and I tried not to use my six foot two frame to intimidate the woman, but, come on! Six foot two! I can’t help being a bit loomy every now and then!
“Cleveland?” the woman asked.
“Yeah, that joke never gets old,” I sneered. “No, I meant Swaziwhatsit or Africa or…or…or, I don’t know! What do I look like: a thesauraus?”
I smirked my best power smirk, but then some white dude sitting next to the woman said, “I’ve heard a rumour that the amount of hate you carry in your heart is inversely proportional to the size of your male member. Can you tell me if that’s true?”
“Say what?” I said.
“People who hate strangers because of their colour or religion have small dicks,” the dude explained. “You’re so full of hate, I’d be surprised if yours could be seen with a microscope!”
Once I realized what the dude was saying, it stung. You know? “Dude,” I asked, “You’re white. Why would you defend our enemy?”
“Actually,” the man said, “I’m Jewish.”
Oh, well, that explained it.
When he started going on about the size of my dick again, I zipped down my pants and started to remove it, shouting, “You wanna compare, asshole?! I may not be the biggest dick around, but I don’t get any complaints!”
Long story short, I go on trial for indecent exposure in January.
What the hell, Adolf? I mean, here I am, doing my bit for the cause of white culture, and somebody accuses me of having a small dick! That’s never happened before! What the hell is happening to the world?
Sincerely,
White Power Ranger
Dear WPR,
The mongrel races are getting uppity.
It started on the Internet – of course! – likely as a reaction to the election of Donald Trump, the first Nazi-positive American President. When white heritage protectors commented on provocations posted by lesbo female rights activists (I refuse to use the term “FemiNazi,” which corrupts a noble political movement), black lives matter fanatics or ex-girlfriends with carefully reasoned vitriol about how they will lose the coming Race War, they responded with the hash tag #bighatesmalldick. Many white men responded with rage – actual rage, not the politically useful kind – and were reduced to laughingstocks.
It would appear that this message has now been taken to the streets.
I would strongly urge all my white readers not to rise to the bait when confronted with the hash tag #bighatesmalldick or when somebody accuses them of having a small dick in person. We are Aryans, superior in all ways, including self-control.
Yours,
Adolf
Dear Adolf,
#bighatesmalldick
Sincerely,
Sorry About the Paltry Penis of Yours
Dear SAPPY,
Yeah. Nice try. But, I’m not going to fall for that. I am Aryans, superior in all ways, including self-control.
Yours,
Adolf
Dear Adolf,
#bighatesmalldick
Sincerely,
Eunuchs Are Terrific Men…Eventually
Dear EATME,
My dick is not small, thank you very much. It…it’s above average, actually. I have yet to have a complaint from the ladies.
Besides, I know that this is just a ploy to try to get me to lose my cool. It isn’t going to happen. You see, I have discipline. I have self-control. I have
Dear Adolf,
#bighatesmalldick
Sincerely,
Not Concerned At All
Dear NCAA,
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
NOTE: Ask Adolf is not affiliated in any way with Adolf Hitler or the Third Reich.