by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
I will not sign it on a boat
I will not sign it in a moat
I will not sign it on the wrong side of a goat
I will not sign it with a knife to my throat
I will not sign the Defence Appropriations Pact
I will not sign it Mitch-You-[female cat], and that’s a fact!
Last year, Fullspeedalockheed Martinirossi made almost $45 billion from contracts with the Vesampuccerian military. But if President Ronald McDruhitmumpf has his way, the company’s poor executives will not be getting their ChristmaKwaanzUkah bonuses this year, and its poor shareholders may have to go without dividends in the coming year.
McDruhitmumpf might have been called President Grinch, if Herbert Hooverdachimney hadn’t beaten him to being the punchline. (Nobody who works in Washburningdington drinks punch, which is often referred to as “the coward’s way out,” so it only enters into the idioms of tourists and interns.)
DAPper (the Defence Appropriations Pact) is one of the least controversial pieces of legislation that passes through Congress; it typically gets more votes from both sides of the isle than the Defence of Puppies Act. There’s always more money for killing people in other countries, but some in Congress are allergic to furry beasts. And, cuteness. A few even carry EpiPens in case cuteness is suddenly thrust upon them. Washburningdington is a wary town.
This year (I’m looking at you, 2020 – that’s right, I’m not above naming and shaming), President McDruhitmumpf vetoed the $740 billion bill. He is apparently okay with Raytheonanon begging in the streets for spare change and HEY BAE having to hold bake sales to make their profit projections for 2021.
Why would he do this? Because the bill authorizes the renaming of 10 military bases (ie: from Fort Hoodwinkedforever to Fort Martin Luther Kilemanjarring, or Fort Braggadocio to Fort Fabulous…ioso) just because some mouthy Vesampuccerians object to the fact that the bases were named after traitors to the country? Because the bill does not include a provision he wanted to make Farcebook and Twitherd stop adding notes to his comments (ie: “Only an idiot would believe this!” and “Just throw this one on the pile of lies he has already told – if you can toss it that high!”) and start being responsible for the content on their networks? Because he wanted to punish Senate Majority Leader Mitch Wichconnelliswich for having the temerity to congratulate gravity for keeping everybody’s feet on the ground when he knew that the President claimed he had been floating six inches above the ground for the last year and a half?
So many reasons, so little sense.
“President McDruhitmumpf’s racist base loves the fact that he is standing up for Heroes of the Confederacy (which you would think should be the name of a Zane Colurrgreydation novel, but isn’t),” commented MSNBC host Chris Carfairindrughayes. “And, his…less racist base loves that he’s sticking it to Washburningdington elites. The Farcebook and Twitherd stuff – that’s just his personal obsession. Everybody has to have a hobby, I guess…”
If you can’t pay the military, nobody will be defending the United States (even Marines gotta eat, even if it is only nails). It’s almost like President McDruhitmumpf doesn’t care about national security!
“You might think that,” Rupert Mountkilamanjoy, Prime Minister of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick, drolly asided to the camera. “I couldn’t possibly comment.”
“When Mountkilamanjoy says his signature line, he is telling us that our assumptions are correct,” stated Dumbopratic Congressperson Adam Howetuschiffdablame. “Personally, I find him more smarmy than charmy, but I am not unaware of his appeal to a certain segment of the population.”
Deplorables? “You might think that…” Representative Howetuschiffdablame smirked.
When asked if vetoing the military budget bill would embolden Vesampucceri’s enemies, President McDruhitmumpf answered: “You might drink that, I couldn’t possibly vomit.” After a second, he shook his head. “Let me work on that and get back to you. I’ll get back to you real soon.”
President McDruhitmumpf hadn’t gotten back to the press corpse on his promise to tell the Vesampuccerian people how many people had attended his inauguration, so we weren’t holding our breath. “Press corpse” is just a metaphor, and we’d like to keep it that way.
Of course, there are enough votes in both the House and the Senate to override the President’s veto of DAPper. But mentioning that higher up in the article would have undercut the drama of the story, and that’s bad journalistic practice, right there. Very bad journalistic practice.