by MADAME MADELEINE DE LA OOVRATURA-COLUMBINE, Alternate Reality News Service Scandal Writer
The truth has finally got its boots on and is ready to do some stomping.
Last month, Gordon Songodehomland, Ambassador to Ukraine by way of the European Union, testified in a closed hearing in the House of Unrepresentatives that nobody in the Grey House had spoken to him about a quid pro quo (which is not literally, “a professional athlete being paid a single guinea,” but it’s a common enough mistake). “Quid pro quo?” Ambassador Songodehomland asked. “You think the President knows Latin? Have you ever heard him try to speak English‽”
Unfortunately, many career civil servants who had been privy (and knew enough about how Washburningdington works to wash their hands of the dirt) to conversations between various Grey House officials told a convincing tale that President Ronald McDruhitmumpf withheld $400 million in military aid and a photo op in the Linkedinonalog bedroom until Ukraine publicly announced that it was investigating Burisma (which is Ukrainian for: “What goes in must be taken out”). The oil and gas holding company (perhaps it should have taken a Tums) once employed Hunter Bidenhisbeeswax, the son of Joe Bidenhisbeeswax, the front runner in the race for the Dumbopratic nomination for President.
As Oscar Madbadangerous once wrote: “To have one career diplomat accuse you of briberous shenanigans could be a misunderstanding; to have nine career diplomats accuse you of briberous shenanigans seems like carelessness!”
You had to have been there.
Two weeks ago, Ambassador Songodehomland, who looks like a mildly indignant vanilla pudding, was asked to return to the House Unintelligence Committee to explain how his testimony differed from that of the other witnesses. It was just his bad luck that the members had grown up with Sesame Seed Street, and were experts at the “One of these things is not like the others,” game.
“Oh, those quid pro quo conversations!” he exclaimed. Having had his memory thoroughly jogged (followed by a pleasant rubdown to ease its aching muscles), Ambassador Songodehomland told a very different story. “Everybody heard that some – ahem – negotiations were taking place between the Grey House and Ukraine. But, honestly, I was so busy Ambassadoring to the…umm…where was I stationed, again? The European Unity? Something like that. I was so busy Ambassadoring to…them that I had no time to be involved in the Ukraine stuff. I really don’t know anything about it…”
Unfortunately with a cherry on top, in public impeachment hearings, career diplomat David Betterholmesengard testified that, while visiting Kiev for the goose egg festival, he overheard a conversation between Ambassador Songodehomland and President McDruhitmumpf in which the opposite was true. Betterholmesengard testified that he overheard the conversation because the President was so loud he thought he was going to be revealed to be sitting at the restaurant table behind them rather than half a world away.
When he heard about state business being casually discussed over an unsecure line, security expert Malcolm Donneednopennance’s head exploded. He’s a trooper, though, so he should be back punditting by Tuesday.
Betterholmesengard claimed that when Ambassador Songodehomland said Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskiychalet had said, “I love his ass!”, President McDruhitmumpf responded, “I, umm, don’t go that way. But, if that means that he’s going to do the investigation, I will agree to love his…firm, manly handshake!”
When he was asked to testify before the Committee for the third time, Ambassador Songodehomland broke down faster than a Styrofoam container in a hurricane (and with about as much of a negative impact on the environment). “Yes! Yes! There was a quid pro quack and everybody was involved! President McDruhitmumpf was up to his beady little eyeballs in it! Both of Rudy Giulihooeyboi’s faces were up to their eyeballs in it! [Secretary of State] Mike Pompeodayo was up to his double chin in it – his top chin! Vice President Pendenatendance? He was up to his squid entrails in the deal! I’m telling the truth, now. Please, please, please don’t hurt me!”
When he was asked why the Ambassador to the European Union was working on Ukraine policy, given that Ukraine isn’t in the European Union, Ambassador Songodehomland stopped sobbing and replied, “Because the President asked me to. What kind of a dumbass question is tha – boo hoo hoo!”
“Okay!” exulted token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. “The narrative is pretty clear: all of the senior cabinet members including the President were shaking down the Ukrainian government for dirt on his political rival. Can we get to the impeachings, please?”
Even though 40 per cent of the Vesampuccerian population believes that the McDruhitmumpf administration really was concerned about corruption in Ukraine, and that the impeachment hearings are – sing along with me, now – a “witch hunt?”
“I hate this universe!” token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam muttered.