“Good morning. I’m Jean-Claude De-La-Skibol…”
“And, I’m Reginald Kefauver.”
“And, you’re listening to -“
“Uhh, guys? Try to keep in mind that you’re Dicks, okay?”
“What?”
“The show hasn’t really started yet, Mister Producer, and already you’re calling us names?”
“Nooooo. This is 95 point two two C-D-I-K, Big Dick radio -“
“Did you notice how Mister Producer worked the station ID into his comment, Reggie?”
“Very smooth, Jean-Claude. Very smooth, indeed.”
“…aaaand all of our on-air personalities are honourary Dicks. Haven’t you ever listened to the station?”
“I…I’m more of a jazz buff, myself.”
“I only ever listen to Japanese girl bands. Have you ever heard Plushie Plushie Catbus Meh? They’re sublime!”
“I would not have thought that of you, Jean-Claude.”
“Because of my generally manly physique and demeanour?”
“No, because you appear to be too…engaged to be a meh-sayer.”
“Oh, you’d be surprised at the depths of my ennui. At this very moment, for instance, I am completely indifferent to our current conversa -“
“Okay, guys! Focus! Everybody who is on-air makes Dick part of their name. It’s a thing with us. So, Reginald, your on-air name would be Reginald ‘Dick’ Kefauver. And, Jean-Claude, your name would be Jean-‘Dick’-Claude De-La-Skibol. Or, it could be Jean-Claude ‘Dick’ De-La-Skibol. Or, if you’re feeling a little daring, I suppose it could be Jean-Claude De-‘Dick’-La-Skibol. Hell, if you’re feeling more otiose, you could call yourself Jean-Claude De-La-‘Dick’-Skibol. Whatever works for you.”
“How about Jean-Claude von Dick De-La-Skibol?”
“It’s a bit too…Austrian royalty for my taste, but, sure, if you like. What the hell – it’s your name.”
“So, do we call you Mister ‘Dick’ Producer?”
“Not if you want to be working here tomorrow, you don’t.”
“Soooo…I have a question for you, Jean-Claude von ‘Dick.'”
“What’s that, Reggie ‘Dick?'”
“On this show, am I the sycophant who laughs uproariously when you say something that could be construed by a deaf person as an amalgamation of words that sound like they have the potential to be a joke when heard by somebody who doesn’t speak English very well, or are you?”
“Let’s think that through. Which of us is funnier?”
“Is that the criterion?”
“I would think so.”
“Oh… This is going to be harder than I thought.”
“GUYS! Shouldn’t you have worked this stuff out before you went on the air?”
“It’s not like we had a lot of notice…”
“I was only asked to be on the show 20 minutes ago. I’m still in the Calgary airport waiting for my flight to Toronto.”
“Okay. How about this? Why don’t you do the show without a sycophant?”
“Can we do that, Mister ‘Dick’ Producer?”
“I told you not to call me that.”
“How will the audience know that the show is funny if somebody isn’t laughing hysterically?”
“It’s only for today. You can figure out the details after the show.”
“Hey, Mister ‘Dick’ Producer -“
“I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME THAT!”
“What happened to the guys before us, anyway?”
“You mean Evan ‘Dick’ Lamanchuk and Dante ‘Dick’ Roverside?”
“Yeah. Sure. Them.”
“They were executed.”
“Whoa! I heard this was a tough radio market, but I never realized -“
“A clause in their contracts was executed, leading them to be fired.”
“Oh. Which clause was that?”
“The clause that states that you can’t make homophobic jokes about gay men and 12 inch pickles on the air.”
“But, those guys are legendary for making homophobic jokes about gay men and 10 inch pickles all the time!”
“Hunh. Sounds like size really does matter!”
“…While one of them is a juror in a trial involving a hate crime.”
“Really? I’m gonna have to go back and read my contract – it sounds much more detailed than I had imagined!”
“Yeah, and I’m already drafting an apology in my head for that size counts crack. You know, just in case.”
“I’ve got a template for apologies, if you’d like to borrow it, Jean-Claude ‘von Dick.'”
“I wouldn’t mind taking a look at it, Reggie ‘Dick,’ but I have to admit that, when it comes to apologies, I’m a bit of a pantser.”
“Okay, guys? The children can hear you. Work this out when you’re off the air. Meantime, you have a show to do.”
“Got it, Mister ‘Dick’ Producer.”
“I TOLD YOU NOT TO – yeah, yeah. You guys are hilarious.”