“As members of the Broadcast Standards Council, this station adheres to the highest standards of kiss my ass! That is why we just played ‘Money for Nothing,’ a song that, frankly, I had forgotten existed until the Broadcast Standards Council ruled that it shouldn’t be played on the radio because the word ‘faggot’ could offend listeners.”
“Well, let me just say that this little faggot ain’t got his own jet airplane.”
“Sure, sure. And, this little faggot ain’t no millionaire.”
“So, we’re gonna play the song whenever we want, and, if the Broadcast Standards Council doesn’t like it, they can kiss my little faggot.”
“Ha ha ha ha!”
“Hee hee hee!
“Ho ho!”
“Hmmm…”
“Pretty much ran that one into the ground, didn’t we?”
“It’s what we do best.”
“I’m Evan ‘Dick’ Lamanchuk…”
“And, I’m Dante ‘Dick’ Roverside, and you’re listening to 95 point two two, C-D-I-K FM – Big DICK Radio, where all crimes are forgiven as long as they boost the ratings.”
“Hey! Better boosting our ratings than boosting somebody else’s car!”
“You don’t have a very high opinion of our listeners, do you?”
“I don’t have a high opinion of humanity. Our listeners are just a subset of humanity…mostly. Last time I checked. In a…theoretical sense…”
“Oh. Well. That’s okay, then.”
“And, speaking of boosting ratings -“
“Ooh, nice segue.”
“Thanks. I’ve been spending more time at the gym – glad it shows. Speaking of boosting ratings, on the phone live from Arizona we have Shirley Phelps-Roper.”
“Is she related to the movie show guy?”
“Richard Roper?”
“Rope-a-doper?”
“Dennis Hopper?”
“Secret shopper?”
“Door sto -“
“No, Dick, I’m not related to the movie show guy.”
“Oh. Too bad. We were just getting on a Roper roll.”
“That’s no fun.”
“Actually, Shirley’s no fun. You are – and, I hope you don’t mind me saying this, although I don’t mind that much – completely batshit crazy, aren’t you, Shirl?”
“A complete loon, Dick.”
“What makes you say that? Do you shampoo withy strawberry jam? Do you believe that Snooki has weapons of mass destruction? Are you a Scientologist?”
“No, none of that, Dick. I believe that god hates faggots. He just does. There’s no reason for it. He doesn’t have to have a reason – he’s god. So, if god hates faggots, I should, too.”
“Okay, first off, please don’t use that word – it’s offensive.”
“Which word, Dick? Reason?”
“That’s right, Dick. Logic has no place on this show.”
“Works for me.”
“Nooooo…the f word.”
“She didn’t say the f word.”
“The other f word.”
“The…other…wha…?”
“He means faggot, Dick.”
“Whoa! Shirley! I asked you not to use that word.”
“Weren’t you using it a minute ago?”
“That was different.”
“How?”
“We were being ironic.”
“So, when you say faggot, you’re being funny?”
“That’s right.”
“Like Glenn Beck.”
“Noooo, I’m pretty sure he’s serious.”
“He says what he does is often comedy.”
“That doesn’t make it comedy, Shirley. I often say that Dick here is a genius, but I don’t mean it.”
“He does, you know. He often says – wait, you don’t mean it?”
“Well, I think Glenn Beck is funny.”
“Yes, but you have already admitted to being an out and out nutter.”
“True. So, you don’t think faggots are going to burn in hell?”
“If they did, at least they wouldn’t have to worry about heating bills.”
“Thanks for that, Dick. Once again, your genius shines.”
“Thanks. But, didn’t you just -“
“No. I don’t believe homosexuals are going to burn in hell.”
“Then, why did you ask me to come on your show?”
“You were going to protest at the funeral of Christina Taylor Green, the nine year-old girl who died in the Tucson shootings. Why would you do that?”
“Complete brain-damaged insane-person, Dick. I thought we had already established that.”
“Well, yeah, but, I mean, umm…okay. You got me there. So, you agreed to not protest if we allowed you on our show.”
“It was almost…noble of us, when you think about it.”
“Except, of course, for the part about boosting ratings, which this interview will undoubtedly do.”
“I did say almost.”
“Can we please talk about me?”
“We could, but that would require us to actually about you. You can see our problem.”
“You know, it’s not too late for me to picket the funeral…”
“Errm. So, uhh…Shirley…how do you feel about the Dire Straits song ‘Money for Nothing?'”