“Okay, that was AC/DC’s ‘Highway to Hell’ as interpreted by the Saint Swithin’s Boys Choir. That’ll teach me to leave albums locked in my car just before we go to air. You’re listening to 95 point two two, C-DIK, Big Dick Radio. I’m Jean-Claude ‘von Dick’ De-La-Skibol. Reginald ‘Dick’ Kefauver is on assignment in Kabul – a valuable lesson for anybody contemplating comparing our parent company, Bloated Corpus Entertainment, to a beached whale. Sitting in for Dick today is Jean-Paul ‘Dick’ Sart.”
“Actually, it’s pronounced Sartre.”
“Oh, sure. And, I suppose next you’re going to tell me that that American football guy’s name isn’t Brett Farve.”
“Well…”
“It doesn’t matter. We’re all Dicks here. And, what makes you qualified to work on our little number twenty-seven rated – but climbing, always with the climbing – morning show, Dick?”
“A heightened awareness of the absurdity of existence and great stores of empathy for all those who have to suffer through it.”
“So…uhh, you – I mean, err, do you have any radio experience?”
“Oh. That. Yes, Richard. I was the overnight announcer for W-QAK in Florida for three years.”
“You were on the Big Duck?”
“Precisely.”
“Quack quack!”
“If you must.”
“Oh, and, ‘Richard?’ Really? We don’t stand on formality, here – I’m just a Dick.”
“As you say.”
“Okay then We have a – whut? Okay, I’m going to assume that that tone of voice was because you’re French -“
“Thank you. I am able to get away with a lot of thinly veiled contempt that way.”
“Yeah, well, quack quack, Jean-Paul Dick. Quack freakin’ quack.”
“Touche.”
“Let’s leave my rear end out of this. We have a feature on the morning show here on C-DIK called ‘Ask a Radio DJ a Question.’ That’s where listeners phone in and ask us about whatever is on their minds.”
“I would never have guessed.”
“Dick, am I going to have to make like a duck through the entire show?”
“My apologies.”
“Accepted. With reservations. Accepted, nonetheless. Okay, the line have already started lighting up. We have…Veronica on line one. Hello, Veronica?”
“Hello, Dick.”
“You have a question for us, Veronica?”
“Yeah, Dick. The other night, I saw my boyfriend slow-dancing at a house party with my best friend, Betty. I can’t just let it go, but I’m afraid that if I confront him about it, I’ll just drive him closer to her. Oh, Dick, what should I do?”
“Whoa! Tough Question. Dick, why don’t you field this one?”
“If I must. I hate to be the one to break this to you, Veronica, but it really doesn’t matter what you do. If you don’t confront your boyfriend, he will hurt you with Betty or some other girl. If you do confront your boyfriend, he will still hurt you with Betty or some other girl. If you leave him for another boy, he will hurt you with somebody named Monique or Marie-Claire or some other name. If it is any consolation, you will, in your turn, hurt your boyfriend with relations with other boys.”
“No, that isn’t a consolation! That’s no consolation at all!”
“Well. You know what they say: Hell is other teenagers.”
“You’re a terrible, terrible man!”
“I have been told.”
“What am I supposed to do with that advice?”
“I would suggest opium, but -“
“Whoa, there, duck boy! Kids, when Dick says ‘opium,’ he is referring to an overdose of episodes of Andy of Mayberry.”
“* SIGH * Translation can be so tedious.”
“Okay, we have…Augustine on line one. You have a question for us, Auggie?”
“Yeah. When is Reginald ‘Dick’ Kefauver coming back?”
“It can’t be too soon, Aug. It can’t be too soon. Thanks for asking.”
“Actually, that wasn’t my question. It was more like a…plea for a return to normalcy.”
“Oh. What’s your question?”
“Boxers or briefs?”
“Good question! I always wear boxers because I never want to be too brief. Hyuk hyuk. What about you, Dick? Boxers or briefs?”
“Undergarments are so bourgeois.”
“Commando! I was not expecting that! You know, Jean-Paul Dick, this could turn out to be a great relationship!”
“No relationship can be properly described as ‘great,’ Dick. In time, you will cheat on me with another morning DJ. Then, to get back at you, I will cheat on you with another morning DJ. Then -“
“Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack!”