“…Now, I’m not saying if you see a bureaucrat on the street, kill him.”
“No?”
“Absolutely not.”
“Because that would be almost sacrilegious?”
“Sacrilege, schmacrilege. Dick, you should know by now that I have no trouble making fun of religions…other than my own.”
“Good poi -“
“No, the thing is that I don’t want to lose sight of the important point I am trying to make by indulging in unnecessary hyperbole.”
“What’s that, Dick?”
“That government is our enemy, manned by evil Hellspawn who torment honest taxpayers by wasting our hard-earned money.”
“Good Poi -“
“But, you know what? It’s the holiday season, and I don’t want to ruin the festive spirit by talking about those vile, loathsome creatures.”
“Our interns?”
“Them, either. So, instead, I’d like to introduce another recipient of the largesse of our vast listening audience. As regular listeners will know, we’ve been running ‘The 11 Days of Christmas -“
“We don’t count so good.”
“But, our hearts are in the right place. We’re asking you -“
“Our vast listening audience.”
“To donate what you can so that an abused child can enjoy Christmas. Today’s troubled child is named Melissa…”
“Hello.”
“Oh, Dick, look! She’s so adora – URK!”
“Listen to me, Dick. I may only be six years old, but I am not adorable, precocious, precious or…cute. Got it?”
“I…cough…got…it.”
“Melissa’s father is an alcoholic who beats her mother on a regular basis, and has started hitting Melissa in his spare time. And, what would you like for Christmas, little girl?”
“How about stronger workplace injury laws? My daddy was fine until a ton of bricks fell on him a couple of years ago. And, did we get a penny in compensation? Not one!”
“Well, we, uhh, have a nice dollhouse…”
“A dollhouse? What am I supposed to do with a dollhouse? You know what’s on my list for Santa? A higher minimum wage. We’re barely getting by on what my mother takes in, and -“
“Look, kid, I feel for you, really, I do. But, all you’re getting is a dollhouse, so I suggest you be happy with it. You know, there are a lot of kids worse off than you who would kill for a dollhouse.”
“You think so? Sure, they might smile and accept your tokens, but, believe me, behind your back, they say the same things I say.”
“Ha ha. She’s got you there, Dick.”
“Shut the [BLEEP] up, Dick. This is between me and the kid.”
“Sorry.”
“What have you got against private charity? Yesterday, we had a boy on who was thrilled to get to see a Leafs game in a private box. And, you know what? He nearly wet his pants when we took him to meet Tie Domi after the game.”
“What, Freddy? You have any idea what he said after the broadcast?”
“What?”
“Have you ever seen The Last Detail?”
“What kind of parent would let a six year-old watch The Last Detail?”
“I wouldn’t be here if I had parents who cared enough about me to forbid me from watching The Last Detail, would I?”
“Okay. Wait. The question is: what have you got against private charity?”
“How nineteenth century of you, Dick! I would be more impressed by your anti-government rants if most of the advertisers on your show weren’t already getting preferential tax treatment, and lobbying for more.”
“Now, you just hold on just a -“
“For that matter, doesn’t the fact that the company that owns this radio station is lobbying the government to own more media outlets so it can grow its already bloated profits mean anything to you? You don’t seem to be against the government when it lines your own pockets.”
“Listen, you punk! You -“
“You can give a little charity to salve your conscious if you want, Dick. But, private charity will never replace good social policy.”
“Okay, that’s it! Get out, you…you…you mini-Marxist!”
“He was great in the Austin Powers movies.”
“DICK! Will you please shut the [BLEEP] up!”
“Right.”
“You think Martha is going to accept that dollhouse if I don’t?”
“What?”
“I was talking to her before the show. Forget about it. And, Monica? Unh uh. Six year-old solidarity, baby – get used to it!”
“We could always give the dollhouse to Freddy…”
“DICK, WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT THE [BLEEP] UP!”
“Maybe it’s just as well – the dollhouse was made in Taiwan by cheap, non-union la -“
“OKAY! Okay, I’m declaring an aural emergency here. We’re going to clear the studio of all non-essential personnel. In the meantime, enjoy Van Halen’s “Jump” on C-D-I-K, Big Dick Radio…”