“Goooooooood morning Toronto! This is Evan “Dick” Lamanchuck…”
“And, this is Michaelangelo “Dick” Tremonte…”
“And, you’re listening to 95 point two two C-D-I-K FM – Dick Radio!”
“That’s right. We’re the radio station where the DJs play whatever they want – as long as it’s mid-80s progressive rock.”
“It’s funny that all Dicks seem to like the same kind of music.”
“Isn’t it?”
“And, let’s face it, the Dick demographic doesn’t get catered to on radio nearly as often as its numbers would make you think it should.”
“Unless you count the Dicks on the C-D-I-X morning show.”
“Well, okay, there’s them…”
“And, you can’t forget the guys on the C-K-O-X morning show – they’ve been Dicks since before we perfected the format.”
“Yeah, sure, but -“
“And, what about -“
“Okay, okay, so morning radio has its share of Dicks. But, let us not forget that all Dicks are not created equal.”
“They’re not?”
“Absolutely not. At eight foot seven, I think I can safely say that I’m the biggest Dick on radio.”
“Wait just a second there, friend. Wait just a doggone second! I’m ten foot fourteen! That makes me the biggest Dick on radio!”
“Uhh…Dick, are you sure you should claim to be ten foot fourteen?”
“Why not?”
“It might…you know…strain the credibility of our listeners…”
“Who cares? It’s radio! It’s not like anybody can see us!”
“Good point.”
“Okay. Before we get too immersed in this witty banter, it’s time to check in with Jane and the traffic. Jane?”
“Everything’s fine.”
“Are you sure about that? Seems to me there were backups on the southbound PVD -“
“Don’t you mean BVD, Dick?”
“Let’s leave my underwear out of this, Dick. So, what about it, Jane?”
“It’s cleared up.”
“Not unlike Reggie the intern’s acne.”
“Haw haw haw.”
“Who let him out of his box, Dick?”
“I don’t know, Dick. But, you know what?”
“No, what?”
“I think Jane is still mad at us.”
“Are you still mad at us, Jane?”
“[EXPLETIVE] off, Dick.”
“Look, I’m really sorry about your impending divorce, but there’s a lesson there for all of us.”
“What would that be, Dick?”
“Don’t make plans with your lover over a cell phone when you work at a radio station with a couple of Dicks, Dick.”
“You two really are a couple of [EXPLETIVE DELETED].”
“Did you just go lower case on us?”
“Now, that’s rude. There’s no call for that kind of language, young lady.”
“Do your own [EXPLETIVE DELETED] traffic reports, [EXPLETIVE DELETED]s.”
“Geez, somebody got up on the wrong side of the feminine hygiene product this morning.”
“Speaking of which, last week, as regular listeners to the show will recall, we called a woman who claimed that she had been groped by then candidate, now governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger. During the call, we played snips of dialogue from Schwarzenegger’s old movies. Unfortunately, the woman started swearing profusely and crying before, giggling, we ended the prank. Well, I guess some people can’t take a joke, because the next day she was admitted to the hospital with razor cuts up and down her arms -“
“Yowtch!”
“Exactly. On behalf of Dick, myself, everybody who works on the morning show, everybody who works at the station and everybody who works at the national entertainment conglomerate that owns the station, I would like to apologize to…well, she knows who she is. We are very, very, very, very, very, very, sorry about perpetrating such a tacky…tasteless joke…”
“…”
“…”
“Our lawyers made us say that.”
“At a really long meeting.”
“I have never, in my 21 years in the radio business, attended a meeting so long.”
“We had to have sleeping bags brought in.”
“They plied us with coffee because they wanted to make sure we heard every word they were saying.”
“Now, I don’t want you to get the idea that we weren’t sincere about the apology because we had to be talked into making it by executives of the corporation in a long, long – brrr – long meeting.”
“Absolutely not.”
“No way.”
“We’re insincere about everything.”
“We don’t need meetings to teach us how to do insincerity.”
“It’s called irony.”
“If you don’t like it, don’t listen to morning radio.”
“You certainly shouldn’t be listening to…DIK FM – Big Dick Radio.”