“You’re listening to 95 point two two, C-D-I-K FM – Big DICK Radio. To get you back to the music quicker, our commercial breaks are ex-Lax fast!”
“That’s right. I’m Dante ‘Dick’ Roverside… Evan, you not going to introduce yourself?”
“Not until you untie me.”
“The voice you just heard was my partner in crime in the prime drive time, Evan ‘Dick’ Lamanchuck.”
“Dammit!”
“If you have been listening for the last two and half hours, we’ve been paying tribute to Doctor Demento, who announced that his syndicated radio show will soon be going to that great sound library in the sky.”
“Ungh! Uhh…ungh!”
“I was a Boy Scout, Dick. You’re not going to get out of those ropes.”
“Dammit!”
“You’ve been saying that a lot since we heard the news. I don’t think the suits are going to be happy with the fines you’re racking up, here.”
“Oh, but they’re going to be ecstatic that you’ve hijacked the broadcast!”
“Somebody had to pay tribute to the master.”
“And, your way of doing that is to play 24 straight hours of ‘Fish Heads’ by Barnes and Barnes?”
“They were a staple of the Doctor Demento show… And, anyway, it was the only novelty album we had in the music library.”
“You’ve really gone off the deep e -“
“Fish heads
Fish heads
Roly poly fish heads
Fish heads
Fish heads
Eat them up. Yum.”
“Aaaaaargh!”
“Doctor Demento played such an important part of keeping the strange and beautiful in our culture alive, I think we can afford 24 hours to pay tribute to his legacy. I mean, when he’s gone, who is going to teach the children about Napoleon XIV or ‘The Existential Blues?’ Who is going to keep the spirit of the Firesign Theatre alive? Other than the Firesign Theatre, I mean.”
“It sure won’t be you.”
“Waddya mean?”
“You think you can keep this up for 24 hours? Really? What are you going to do when your shift is over?”
“I…I’ll…I’ll figure out a way to stay in the studio. Somehow.”
“Sure you will. But, you know how the suits hate paying overtime!”
“What if I offer to keep going for free?”
“The Union’ll have your ass for sure!”
“Mmm…difficult. I’ll have to think about this…”
“Why don’t you just -“
“Fish heads
Fish heads
Roly poly fish heads
Fish heads
Fish heads
Eat them up. Yum.”
“YAAAAARGH!”
BANG BANG BANG
“Open up in there!”
“Who is that?”
“The cops.”
“You’ll never take me alive, coppers!”
“Now, now, let’s not be hasty. I have a lot of sympathy for your position, Dick.”
“You do?”
“Sure. Doctor Demento was an early supporter of Weird Al Yankovic. And, don’t get me started on all of the novelty records from the 20s and 30s he played – you know, he was a musicologist as well as a radio star.”
“I know! I know! Who…are you?”
“Flan Fischer, Metro Police Force, Novelty Division.”
“I…I didn’t realize the police had a Novelty Division.”
“We like to keep it quiet. The suits wouldn’t understand.”
“Yeah – yeah! I hear you!”
“I can appreciate you wanting to support somebody who teaches the children about novelty music, son, but, trust me, this isn’t the way.”
“Oh, it isn’t? You know what they’re going to replace Doctor Demento with?”
“What’s that?”
“A sex show. Some post-pubescent clown with a thick sidekick is going to make fun of callers who phone in looking for answers to their sexual problems. This is progress?”
“I know what you mean Still -“
“Fish heads
Fish heads
Roly poly fish heads
Fish heads
Fish heads
Eat them up. Yum.”
“BLAAAAARGH!”
“Okay, look, I like Barnes and Barnes as much as the next guy, but you can’t go on like this!”
“Just watch me!”
“Tell you what – why don’t we make a swap?”
“A swap?”
“Sure. You give me ‘Fish Heads,” and I’ll give you…’Look Out There’s a Monster Coming’ by the Bonzo Dog Doodah Band.”
“I don’t know…”
“Okay. Forget that. How about Leonard Nimoy’s ‘The Legend of Bilbo Baggins?'”
“No, I don’t think -“
“You’re right. I can tell that you have a discerning ear for novelty songs. What about… ‘Dead Puppies?'”
“B…b…b…by…Ogden Edsel?”
“The same!”
“You’ve got a copy of…’Dead Puppies?'”
“Do we have a deal?”
“Sure…if you’re telling me the truth. Slip it under the door.”
push push push
“Oh, wow…”
“Okay. I’ve shown you good faith. Your turn. Send out the ‘Fish Heads.'”
push push push
“Okay. Good. Everybody who gets this station’ s signal will be grateful that you’ve been so reasonable. Now, about that human hostage…”