“…remember, for this holiday long weekend, we’ll be playing The Top 200 Songs That We Play As Chosen BY US. That’s right. Our favourite tunes as we see them.”
“Cause, frankly, you people have no taste.”
“The last 20 times we let you choose, your top song was ‘Stairway to Heaven.'”
“What were you thinking?”
“Led Zeppelin isn’t even on our playlist.”
“My parents played it when I was growing up.”
“We had to borrow his parents’ copy just to be able to play it.”
“Really, people, what were you thinking?”
“So, no more of this nonsense. This weekend, it’s The Top 200 Songs That We Play As Chosen By Us. We know we’ll enjoy it. Okay, this is Evan ‘Dick’ Lamanchuck…”
“And this is Dante ‘Dick’ Roverside. You’re listening to –”
“Who doesn’t sound at all like Michaelangelo ‘Dick’ Tremonte.”
“Okay, that’s not funny any more. Seriously.”
“Depends which side of the unemployment line you’re on, doesn’t it?”
“You son of a -“
“Which is what we in the radio business call a segue, folks, linking what we were talking about to what we will be talking about, which is unemployment. Right? Dick?”
“Oh. Ah. Yeah.”
“You’re listening to 95 point two two, C-D-I-K FM – Big DICK Radio. The how to kill an Albertan contest is still going, and, boy, has it gotten a lot of good responses.”
“Smug employed bastards.”
“That’s right. Nobody likes a smug employed bastard in the middle of an economic…moment of unpleasantness. Regular listener Margaret ‘Dick’ Deleone suggests that regulations on the tar sands be loosened, allowing pollution to seep into the environment and kill people in the area very slowly and very painfully.”
“Ooh, I like that one.”
“A lot of listeners have suggested it. Unfortunately, we had to disallow it.”
“Aww! Why?”
“It was already provincial government policy.”
“Just like reality to get in the way of a good contest.”
“But, keep those cards and letters coming. If there is a perfect way to kill Albertans, we want to know what it is.”
“In a purely hypothetical, all in the name of good fun kind of way.”
“Sure. Today, we have a couple of special guests. First is Quentina Allegoricus. Quentina has written the local bestseller Losing My Job Was the Best Thing that Ever Happened To Me.”
“I don’t know about that…”
“Well, Dick, when you’ve written a local bestseller, your opinion on the subject might count for something.”
“Oh, ha ha ha ha ha ha – ouch.”
“Quentina, welcome.”
“It’s great to be here, Dick.”
“And, sitting next to her, is a man we scraped off the streets – Mister…Frumpe? Am I pronouncing that correctly?”
“Where’s my apple?”
“What?”
“Man said if I followed him, he’d give me an apple.”
“Really? That’s practically a week’s wages in this joint!”
“Dick, this will go so much faster if you’re not being a dick.”
“I thought that was the whole premise of the morning show.”
“Ha! He’s got you there!”
“You want your apple or not!”
“Sorry.”
“Quentina, you say that losing your job was the best thing that every happened to you.”
“That’s right, Dick.”
“Why?”
“It forced me to write a bestselling book about losing your job.”
“But, can everybody do that?”
“Why not? It’s been a seller’s market so far.”
“Mister Frumpe, have you ever considered writing a bestselling book on the job market?”
“Can’t write on an empty stomach.”
“He makes a good -“
“Am I gonna get my apple soon?”
“Right. Quentina, what advice do you have for people who have just lost their jobs?”
“Well! You should approach unemployment as an opportunity rather than a…a…whatever the opposite of opportunity is. In my case, not having a job gave me the opportunity to explore new identities.”
“You mean, you went from an uptight YUPpie stock broker to a literary party girl who was so grateful for any positive attention that she would put out for just about anybody?”
“Pretty much.”
“Have I mentioned how much I like your…nose?”
“Really? Giggle giggle.”
“Well, we can talk about that after the show. Mister Frumpe, how have you played with identity during this economic…however you would characterize it?”
“I imagine that I’m a person who is no longer hungry because he’s just eaten an apple.”
“The important thing, Dick, is to not talk down the economy.”
“Too late.”
“You really want to be upbeat. Positive. Optimistic. Affirmative. Encouraging. Constructive. Not at all negative.”
“I’m positive I’m going to get my apple soon!”
“That’s it. I think…”
“Ooooooooooookay. I’d like to thank our guests, Quentina Allegoricus and Mister Frumpe for a most unenlightening discussion.”
“Oh, ah, you’re welcome.”
“God, I thought it was never going to end. Can I get my apple, now?”
“You’re listening to C-D-I-K, Big Dick Radio. Now, here’s…something that’s not ‘Stairway to Heaven…'”