by SASKATCHEWAN KOLONOSCOGRAD, Alternate Reality News Service Religion Writer
Even by the standards of religious belief, the Churchagogue of the Blessed Gloria of Steinmetzwayerem is…idiosyncratic. For one thing, when the Bible says that Gord told his children to “go forth and multiply,” the Churchagogue of the Blessed Gloria argues that he was actually joking (they preach that the Old Testament was the first collection of humourous bathroom readings); as a result, they firmly believe in birth control. For another thing, followers of the Churchagogue of the Blessed Gloria interpret the passage where Gord appeared to disapprove of sex without marriage as that he was having a bad day (possibly because the night before he had hit the ambrosia a little harder than any normal deity can and not expect to have a wicked hangover the next morning), and nothing anybody says when they’re in such rough shape should be taken seriously.
Given the Churchagogue’s…outthereness, it should come as no surprise that it is one of the few religious organizations that opposes the McDruhitmumpf administration’s rule change that will allow employers to opt out of insuring their employees for birth control pills, mechanical devices and media (have you seen a Judd Apatapatow movie lately?).
“This is supposed to be about freedom of religion? Well, exactly whose religion is free, here?” asked the Left Reverend Judy O’Blessedblessed (her Blessed Glorian name). “Not my religion! In the Church…synagogue…umm…Churchagogue – sorry, we’re still new and working the kinks out – that reminds me: I gotta make back rubs part of the liturgy! – in the Churchagogue of the Blessed Gloria of Steinmetzwayerem our sacrament is a daily birth control pill. Any employer who would deny us this basic tenet of our faith is…is…is not okay in my books. My holy books. You know: the Gospels of Simone, Germaine, Elizabeth and Nellie.”
“Wuhl, nah, my pappy done tol’ me when Ah was just a wee spratlin’ of a lad that thuh true value of a wuhkuh bee was how much honey it accumulated in a Retahment Savin’s Accahnt,” argued Attorney General Jeff “Self-regard” Sesspoolpandemic. “Ah intuhpret that ta mean that this heah Chuch…agogue o’ the Blessed Glohia of Steinmetzwayuhem is as much a real religion as thuh boll weevil what’s chewin’ on thuh cahpet in mah basement!”
“Oh, pooh,” Reverend O’Blessedblessed pouted. “Who are you to decide what is and isn’t a legitimate religion?”
He…he’s the Attorney General. Did I not identify him properly two paragraphs a – no. No, I clearly wrote “Attorney General Jeff ‘Self-regard’ Sesspoolpandemic. Oh, wait – is being rhetorical a tenet of your faith?
Reverend O’Blessedblessed rolled her eyes.
“And, Ah object ta thuh ideah that the Good Gohd was jokin’ when he tol’ people ta go fohth an’ multahplah,” Attorney General Sesspoolpandemic continued. “Theah ah no indications in thuh Good Book that Gohd was jokin’ when he said that; he didn’t roll his aihs, oah make ayah quotes oah grin stupidly. The good Gohd nevah grinned, stupidly oah otherwise; being Gohd was a serious business.”
Reverend O’Blessedblessed gaped open-eyed. Eventually, she said, “My point is that this law is blatantly procreationist, and -“
“Oh, must we get into that debate again?” interrupted the Reverend Charles Ludwidottidgson, leader of the Aptist Baptist MultiMaxiMegaChurch and President of the Moron Majority. “The Earth is only 6,000 years old, and anything you might think that proves otherwise was just God having fun with heathens, that’s -“
“Not creationism!” Reverend O’Blessedblessed interrupted right back at him. “Procreationism! Pro!“
“Ah, so my argument has won the day and you are now in favour of the science of creationism, are you?” Reverend Ludwidottidgson sighed self-satisfied.
Reverend O’Blessedblessed rolled her eyes again. I got the sense she did it a lot.
Complicating matters is the fact that the Churchagogue runs A Light in the Dog House, a small company that makes and sells scented candles for pets (WARNING: may cause seizures of property in small children). While it only has three employees, two of them identify as Christians, and one, Molly Driscollochockies, objects to having her health insurance coverage determined by her boss’ religious beliefs.
“I want children,” Driscollochockies stated. “Lots of ’em. 27 – 36 – 45, if I can. The Good Gord says get to it – I say how high? What about my right to follow my religious beliefs?”
“Hmm,” hmmed Attorney General Sesspoolpandemic. “This heah religious exemption foah burth control is moah complicated than Ah thought!”
What is the Churchagogue of the Blessed Gloria of Steinmetzwayerem’s position on the fact that Viagra will still be universally covered by health insurance while birth control will not? “We’re agnostic on that issue,” Reverend O’Blessedblessed said. “If you want an opinion on that subject, you should talk to the Reverend Fang at the Synagurch of the Rational Phallusy.”