“Josh?”
“Darrin?”
“You’re still Vice President of Production?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Didn’t you just turn 24?”
“That was just a rumour popagated by a tabloid writer who was pissed off that he wasn’t invited to my birthday party.”
“I was invited to your birthday party.”
“Are you sure you’re not a rumour Watergated by a tabloid writer pissed off that you exist so he didn’t need to create you?”
“You’ve known me since we got our MBAs – what do you think?”
“I like to keep my options open. It’s a crazy world out there!”
…
“So, Josh, what did you want to talk about?”
“Uhh, Darrin, you called me.”
“Sorry. I wasn’t expecting – well, you know.”
“What, that again? Haven’t you heard? Twenty-four is the new 67!”
“Mmm…maybe I should talk to your assistant.”
“I don’t have an assistant.”
“Since when?”
“Since I turned 24. Why do you think I’m still here? So, you wanna get to your point, or do you wanna keep talking what passes for existentialism in this burg?”
“Sure, sure. I was wondering if you could recommend a new director for a project I’m putting together.”
“A ‘new’ director? What happened to the old one?”
“He had…medical issues.”
“Medical issues?”
“Diaper rash.”
“Diaper rash, eh? Kinky!”
“Weeeelllll… he was only seven months old.”
“Oh. Right. Diaper rash is just an occupational hazard when you’re seven months old.”
“Exactly.”
“What’s the project?”
“Young Caligula.”
“Young Calig – would a seven month old even be allowed in to see such a movie?”
“No, no, no, Josh. You got it all wrong. It’s a heart-warming coming-of-age story set amid the pomp of ancient Roman royalty. None of that horse or sister craziness of his venereal disease-ridden later years. It may be PG-13, but that will only be if there are issues with the language.”
“You expecting issues with the language?”
“Like Steve Spielberg, the MPAA works in mysterious ways…”
“Hunh! Ain’t that the truth! So…you need a director…”
“That’s what I said.”
“Same age, or -?”
“Honestly? Antoine had some good ideas, visually, things I don’t think I’ve ever seen on film before, but he didn’t have a great grasp of how real people actually work. I’m looking for somebody with a little more experience, you know, somebody who has a better understanding of human nature. Somebody maybe between a year and three months and a year and nine months old.”
“Hmm…how about D. Sable Ferrari?”
“Never heard of him.”
“Her. She shot the commercial for Gerber’s Mashed Seahorse Surprise.”
“The commercial that made Teletubbies look like Masterpiece Theatre?”
“Oh, I don’t know that that’s an accurate description -“
“The one with so many cuts that no shot lasts longer than three sevenths of a second? The ad that made some kids so hyper they kept running into walls until they passed out – a pretty good feat considering they hadn’t learned to walk yet?”
“Yeah. Yeah, that’s the one.”
“Oh. That was shot by a woman? I mean, proto-woman? Interesting. Still, I’d prefer to get a some-day-to-be-a boy to direct the film. You don’t have to shut down production for a week every month, if you know what I mean.”
“I…think you don’t have the firmest grasp on human reproduction, Darrin. Otherwise, I know exactly what you’re talking about. How about Joaquin Clinique? I’ve seen his sample reel – you wouldn’t believe what he can do with a crib and a minimal amount of light!”
“You think he has the chops to direct a heart-warming coming-of-age story about a man who will grow up to be one of the most debauched rulers in the history of history itself?”
“Do I think he has the chops?”
“Yeah.”
“Do I think he has the chops?”
“Yeah, Josh, we’ve established that that is the question.”
“Great. If you’ll just send me his contact information -”
“Me? No, no, no, my friend. I’ll have my assistant do it.”
“I thought you said you didn’t have an assistant.”
“That was two minutes ago – before you asked me for information. You think I’m going to do that shit myself?”
“Aren’t you -“
“You gotta keep up, man! Things happen very quickly in this Moe of a Berg!”
“Aren’t you afraid your new assistant is gonna try to steal your job?”
“Are you kidding? He’s only five years and nine months old. I say, ‘Let the punk bastard try! Let the little punk bastard try!'”