The emotion which seems to be lubricating the transition from the greed of the 80s to the…well, we’re not sure exactly what of the 90s must certainly be attitude. Responding to any situation with attitude makes you appear knowledgeable when you are, in fact, ignorant, gives people the impression you have emotional depth when you’re really quite shallow and offers the illusion that you have solutions to the problems of the day when you barely have a clue.
Attitude is a quick and easy way of appearing brilliant without the tedium of having to learn anything, much less come up with an original thought.
Unfortunately, we can’t all be Bart Simpson, so a response laden with attitude isn’t always forthcoming. If you’ve ever been embarrassed by not showing the right disrespect at parties, business meetings or other social functions, worry no more. The Institute for Research, Advanced has the perfect answer.
Our researchers are hard at work developing a computer programme that simulates rush hour traffic, the perfect incubator for attitude. Using it, we have compiled the following list of subjects with appropriate responses; simply find the subject under discussion, curl your lip into a sneer and let loose.
Saddam Hussein: “What a loser!” Joan Rivers’ New Talk Show: “Get a life!” David Cronenberg: “Eww, gross, man!” Meech Lake: “The Premiers? What a bunch of Goobers!” Jean Chretien: “What a bilingual loser!” Audrey McLaughlin: “Get a personality!” Parti Quebecois: “Get a country!” New World Order: “Am I supposed to be impressed?”
Quotes starting with the phrase “The Mother of All…”: “Get an imagination!” Toronto Maple Leafs: “What a bunch of professional losers!” Progressive Conservatives: “They’re history, pal.” Bob Rae: “Grow a spine!” Russian democratization: “Well, isn’t that special!”
Madonna: “Oh, grow up!” Reform Party: “Get real!” The endorsement potential of basketball star and person with AIDS Magic Johnson: “Yeah…right!” Savings and loans: “Don’t have a cow, dude.” Senate reform: “Get out of my face!” Simon Reisman: “Who?”
“Jobs! Jobs! Jobs!” : “You didn’t really take that seriously, did you?” Clarence Thomas’ Supreme Court appointment: “Aww, give me a break!” Oliver Stone: “Oh, yawn!” Sunday shopping: “Everybody chill!”
Mother Teresa: “What a religious loser!” Group of Seven Economic Summits: “Get a real job, you bums!” Taster’s Choice Commercials: “Get a storyline!” People who follow Taster’s Choice commercials like they were a soap opera: “For god’s sake, get a life!”
Lenny Kravitz: “Get with the 90s!” Neo-conservatives: “Get with the 1890s!” Trade deficit with Japan: “I hate that!” Ethnic fighting in Russian republics: “Been there, done that!” Mortality: “Don’t take it so seriously, man!” Environmentalism: “What planet are you from?” Mambo revivals: “It’ll never replace the Lambada!”
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart: “What a dead loser!” Les Miserables: “No, it’s too easy, man – I’m not even going to touch this one!” Lawyers: “Shakespeare was right!” “Gotta Have It,” Pepsi’s new slogan: “Gotta hate it!”
Food banks: “Don’t leave home without ’em!” Premature grey: “I really hate that!” P. J. O’Rourke: “Talk about an attitude problem!” Peace dividend: “As if!” The Reichmanns: “What a family of rich losers!”
As our knowledge of attitude expands, the Institute will be issuing periodic updates of this list. Should a subject come up which is not currently on the list, don’t despair! Just focus your mind on the fact that you are superior to every other sentient being in the universe and let loose with a wicked sneer.
It sure beats thinking.