“May I help you?”
“Yes. I’d like to buy some socks, please.”
“Could you repeat your request?”
“Sure. I need some socks.”
“I’m afraid I’m still not registering your order request. Please speak slowly directly into the microphone and repeat your request.”
“Soooooccccccks. I need some socks.”
“I’m sorry, sir, but the automotive department is on the fourth floor.”
“What?”
“On the fourth floor, you will find shocks, as well as break fluid, hubcaps, steering wheels and all your other –“
“But I don’t want –“
“Automotive needs. Have a nice day.”
“Is this menswear?”
“That is correct.”
“And men have feet?”
“I do not understand. Could you please repeat your question?”
“Never mind. I want…footwear?”
“Certainly, sir. Would you like boots, shoes, socks, stock –“
“Socks! Socks! Yes, Lord, socks!”
“Very good, sir. What colour would you like?”
“Colour? Uhh…grey.”
“Very good, sir. What shade of grey would you like? We have slate grey, steel grey and twilight grey.”
“What?”
“We have slate grey, steel grey and twilight grey.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“We have slate grey, steel grey and twilight grey.”
“Forget it. If this is the way it’s going to be, I’d rather have black.”
“You wish to cancel your order for grey socks?”
“Yes…NO!”
“Have a nice day. May I help you?”
Sigh. “Footwear, please.”
“Certainly, sir. Would you care for –“
“Socks.”
“Very good, sir. What colour –“
“Black.”
“What shade of black would you like? We have China black, charcoal black, midnight bla –“
“China. China black. Okay?”
“Would you like stripes, checks, plai –“
Stripes.”
“Would you like Ralph Lauren, Polo –“
“Ralph Lauren.”
“I’m sorry, but Ralph Lauren doesn’t make striped, China black socks. Would you like Ralph Lauren, Polo, Lacoste –“
“Polo?”
“Very good, sir. How many would you like?”
“Fifteen.”
I’m sorry, sir, but socks only come in multiples of two.”
“Sixteen then — no, wait, thirty.”
“Would you like sixteen or thirty socks?”
“Thirty. Thirty socks.”
“You have ordered thirty striped, China black socks made by Polo. The price is now being displayed on the screen in front of you. If the price is acceptable, please say yes now.”
“Okay…”
“If the price is acceptable, please say yes now.”
“Yes!”
“Thank you. How would you like to pay for this purchase?”
“Cash.”
“We accept American Express, MasterCharge and all Interac banking cards.”
“But all I have is cash.”
“We accept American Express, MasterCharge and all Interac banking cards.”
“Aaaarrrgh!”
You know, I used to laugh when they said that computers would eventually replace salespeople in department stores. But I was wrong. Not only are computers just as inefficient as human beings, but they are ten time more annoying!