Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
When New York passed a bylaw that said that every homeowner had to use their 3D printers to keep the road in front of their homes in good condition, we were told it served us right for voting for anti-tax politicians. Well, anti-tax politician this, pal! In my neighbourhood, we silently agreed to maintain the absolute minimum road quality. Saved us a bundle, too – if you don’t count the damage to our shocks from negotiating a variety of road levels on a single street or replacing broken axels due to potholes that randomly collapse because somebody made their part of the street out of lead-reinforced marshmallow.
But, eeeeeeh, who’s counting, right? Instead of going to shyster politicians, our money is going to shyster auto mechanics – just like it should.
Only, last year, the Joneses moved into the neighbourhood. Philistine Jones, his wife Acrimonia and their two daughters Cartwright and Philistina, to name names. They brought with them a…different way of doing things. To get straight to the point, they – what is it with people from out of town? They think they can improve things with their foreign ways (the Jones’ came to New York all the way from Ohio), but all they end up doing is making a mess of the whole – what?
The point? Oh, yeah. The point is, the first Saturday of every month, the street outside the Jones house was pristine. It was so straight, you could roll a bowling ball down it. Well, until you got to Woody’s house; the ball would drop into his part of the street never to be seen again. It was so shiny, somebody turned their lights on at the wrong time and a blinded driver could do some serious property damage. Some serious property damage.
The first month, we thought it was just a guy trying to impress his new neighbours. None of us had felt that way when we first moved in, but it was at least an urban legend with which we were familiar. We let is slide. The second month, though, it was clear that it was the beginning of a pattern, a pattern that we decided to bludgeon in the bud.
We asked the local beat cop, Paddy O’Patrick, to write Jones up for the whole shiny pavement driving hazard thing. Instead, he gave citations to us for shoddy road upkeep!
This was getting ugly.
Knowing we had to do something, in the middle of one night, the neighbourhood welcoming committee (consisting of me, Doc Apollo, Fingers McGurk and the Testosterone twins) got out our pickaxes and miner’s helmets and did a little exploring under the street in front of the Jones abode. All we found was dirt, of course, but we were hoping that this would send a message to the overzealous Mister Jones.
“Humph,” he said when he looked at our handiwork the next morning. “Squirrels in this neighbourhood are positively militant!” He didn’t take the hint, and his section of the road was good as new the following month. Some people can be stubborn that way. Dumb bastards.
The next month, we tried a little fireworks display on the Jones part of the street. Nothing. That was when Doc Apollo said, “I’m too old – and, frankly, too pretty – for this shit!” and started to make his part of the street look good. He was just the first. Then, Terry Testosterone fixed up his part of the street real pretty. Then, Fingers McGurk. Then, Texarkana Testosterone. (To be honest, I was surprised he held out as long as he did – he always slavishly copied his brother.)
So, now, I’m the only holdout on my block. I get regularly ticketed by Officer O’Patrick and I’m pretty sure the others have been holding parties without inviting me. Me! Just for upholding the old neighbourhood traditions!
Has the world gone completely mental?
Sincerely,
Todd Bertram from The Bronx
Yo, Toddy,
It only takes one good apple to spoil things for the rest of us, doesn’t it?
You’re ganked. Gacked. Something else that sounds vaguely problematic and starts with the letter g. Gorked, maybe. You might as well buy the blueprints and the materials you need to keep the road in front of your house up to the standards of your neighbours. If you’re ethically opposed to that course of action, you can always move to a neighbourhood that lives down to your standards.
Changing your place of residence would be a small price to pay to save a few bucks in taxes.
The Tech Answer Guy
If you are a dude with a question about the latest technology, ask The Tech Answer Guy by sending it to questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Just remember: Never trust a man named Fenwick.