Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
The other night I was at a Japanese-Kenyan-Canadian fusion restaurant called La WTF with my current girlfriend, Amico. I was enjoying an order of maple grub sushi when Amoco dug into her purse and pulled out what looked like a miniature rake. She then proceeded to gently, lovingly scrape it on her tongue. Back and forth. Side to side. Over and over again. It was mesmerizing…and a little nauseating. After a couple of minutes of this, Amaco cleaned the rake off with a napkin, returned it to her purse and started eating again as if nothing had happened.
Is this a thing? I’ve never heard of anybody doing this before. Is it really a thing?
Sincerely,
Buddy from Bayonne
Yo, Bud,
You seem to be a little unclear on your girlfriend’s name. I understand guys forgetting their girlfriend’s birthday – it’s a time-honoured tradition in some cultures. But, her name? You trying to get into the Guy Hall of Fame? Posthumously?
The Tech Answer Guy
Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
You’ve got it all wrong. My girlfriend’s name is actually India, but it reached its half-life a week ago and has started decaying. It’s hard to tell from one moment to the next what its composition is going to be.
But, don’t change the subject. This tongue raking thing – is it for real, or is Amuco some kind of alien with a weird oral cleanliness regimen? Because, she’s been hinting that she would like to meet my parents, and, if she’s planning on sucking their brains, well, I’ll try to arrange a meeting with just my dad.
So, Tech Answer Guy, what’s the deal?
Sincerely,
Buddy from Bayonne
Yo, Buds,
Oh, it’s real, alright. As real as being gutshot while fleeing the scene of a robbery and spending the rest of the day in excruciating agony in a warehouse while other members of your gang try to decide who squealed on – no, wait. That’s not real. That’s the plot of Reservoir Dogs. As real as…the ringing of your doorbell when the tax man arrives to audit your books. It doesn’t get much more real than that, pal. Even if they, uhh, do do that all online these days. As real as wrestling. Okay, I may have been overreaching with that last metaphor. Still, it’s plenty real.
According to Doctor Raul Schmeissner, head of the Raul Schmeissner Doctoring Clinic, there are tiny gaps between the taste buds on our tongues. Bud gaps. In the course of eating (the eating course), food can sometimes get lodged in the bud gaps (a food lodging). This food – and the squeamish may want to skip to the next paragraph – rots faster than a title character on The Walking Dead. Actually, that would have been a perfectly acceptable PG14 sentence without my colourful pop culture metaphorical reference – sorry. Sometimes, I don’t know my own metaphorical strength.
Now, you might have thought that rotting food in your bud gaps would add a piquant flavour to an otherwise unexciting meal. In fact, it does the opposite: by keeping fresh food from getting in your bud gaps, it actually makes it harder for you to taste the food you are eating. (Hmm…it occurs to The Tech Answer Guy that somebody could make a fortune with a cream that coats the taste buds so that you can’t taste food. This would be great for those awkward times when you couldn’t get out of eating spinach, broccoli or risotto. Risotto? Heeeey – wasn’t he a shortstop with the Yankees? Anyway, you science dudes should get right on this!) Raking some of the rotting food out from between your bud gaps can actually help you taste your food more.
So, yes, tongue raking is definitely a thing. It is even a competitive sport in Japan, but what isn’t these days?
I asked Phil, the mechanic from the shop down the street if tongue raking in public was socially acceptable. “No,” he answered, a look of mild distaste on his face. Maybe if he used a tongue rake, he would have found the idea more palatable…
The Tech Answer Guy
If you are a dude with a question about the latest technology, ask The Tech Answer Guy by sending it to questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Just remember: the radioactive spew from decaying names that are past their half-lives is less than that of basketball careers, so it’s generally safe. Except, for some reason, people whose names begin with the letter “I.” If you know somebody named Irene, Ivan or Instamatic, RUN FOR THE HILLS!