Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
A couple of months ago, I bought a Smart Model Tfortwo car. It was a steal at 150 Greek Euros. And, when I say steal, I mean the owner insisted that I ask him no questions about it. I’m not a one to look a gift horse in the exhaust manifold (I don’t usually travel with a change of shirts), so I agreed.
The guy I bought it from did mention that the car’s onboard artificial intelligence had an MA in Existential Philosophy, but I thought nothing of it at the time. I thought he meant the AI had studied the existence of tents.
I was almost immediately proven wrong, when, driving the car home, I asked it if Avington Avenue would be a shortcut. “Avington Avenue has no exit,” the car informed me. “But, then, we all ultimately have No Exit…”
Ooooo-kaaaaay. No problem. I could take my normal route.
A couple of days later, on an errand to get my girlfriend a bottle of kippered hams, I asked the car for the shortest route to the Swelldon Market. “You could take the Exegesis Expressway to Kings Road, travel for five metres and turn off on Pauper’s Lane, but, then, all roads lead to the same place in the end, don’t they?”
As I set out to find the Exegesis Expressway, I asked the car what it meant by that last bit, but all it told me was: “If all roads lead to the same place, shortcuts are really beside the point, wouldn’t you say?” As a matter of fact, I wouldn’t say. I was already 20 minutes late.
My car was making me think. I hate thinking. I’m a stock broker with a staple marriage (it’s held together with…well, you get the idea…) and a collection of common Star Wars baseball cards (check out the stats on Jabba the Catcher – he can’t hit, but he really knows how to cover the plate!). Thinking gives me the sensation of a fire being lit in my nose!
The final straw was on a trip to Swindon, when the car advised me: “Look not into the turnoff ramp to I47 lest it be that the turnoff ramp to I47 be looking into you.” I was so angry at this unasked for bit of philosophy that I purposefully missed the I47, adding 20 minutes to the trip and making me late for my sister Josephina’s bris.
I don’t enjoy being made to feel stupid by my automobile. That’s what family is for.
So, should I torch the car for the insurance money?
Sincerely,
Derf from Dusseldorf
Yo, Derf,
Absolutely. Burn the bastard. Burn it to the ground. Then, burn the ashes. After that, burn the concept of the ashes. Because, you know, there’s nothing suspicious about a car in the middle of a parking lot spontaneously combusting. I’ll bet you dollars to doughnuts (whatever that means) that not only will the police give you a medal for great public service, but your insurance company will drop your premiums on the theory that, having had one car burn down to its basic concept, the odds of that happening again to you are that much smaller!
Or, no, wait, I have a better idea! Why don’t you crash the car into a tree at high speeds. (Make sure your seat belt is properly fastened and your airbags are fully functional – wouldn’t want anybody to get hurt.) Then, when the cops want to know what happened, you tell them that you had to swerve off the road to avoid hitting Bambi. That’s right – you totalled your car to avoid killing the loveable Disney cartoon character. That should get you a parade down Main Street!
Or – and I know this is going to sound crazy, but hear me out – you could take the car back to the person you bought it from and ask them to disable the onboard AI! Oh, sure, it’s not as dramatic as the other scenarios, but, on the bright side, it’s not as dramatic as the other scenarios! Life already throws enough traumas at us – remember being born? Why create more?
Besides, if your car’s AI is really committed to its existentialism, it will expect you to shut it down. Hell is owners perplexed!
The Tech Answer Guy
If you are a dude with a question about the latest technology, ask The Tech Answer Guy by sending it to questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Just remember: according to the Macho Code of Manliness (MCM), popularity is a sign of weakness. If 300 taught us anything, it is that the true man only befriends those he is about to die next to in battle.