Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
I make my living inserting multipurpose satellites into orbits around ice giants such as Uranus. Said ice giants, including Uranus, have subtle debris rings which can sometimes be disrupted by my activities. How do I respond to the occasional twit who insists that I purposely defile those pristine rings in order to keep replacing damaged or disrupted satellites with new ones? Thanks.
Sincerely,
Dispatcher from Dodge
Yo, Dispatcher,
If I understand your question, I don’t understand your question at all. Isn’t the point of having the most advanced technology in the galaxy to use it to pollute alien worlds and despoil distant planets? I mean, think of all the junk early space explorers left on the moon, and that was before we developed warped drives! If you’re going to accuse the Apollo astronauts of not being environmentally conscious, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to step outside! I’m not even sure what that means in the context of an advice column, but I’ll do it!
But, uhh, maybe I’m not the best guy to answer your question. I must admit, I got a point of view, here. For a, uhh, different perspective on things, I asked the 3D holographic image of Neil Armstrong – famed the world over as the first man to appear on What’s My Line? in zero gravity – your question. This was his response:
“Space is a precious and wondrous – bzzzt fashnash – wondrous wondrous wondrous – bzzzt zzzt zzzt – space is a wondrous – space is a wondrous – space – space – space – have you ever wondered – bzzzt fash bzzzzzzzt – why the yellow bellied eagle only hunts at night? – bzzzt – precious home, and we must – must- must – precious home, and we must take proper care of – bzzzzzzzt – the yellow bellied eagle!”
Yeah. Right. NASA should really take proper care of its historical artifacts!
Look, I really want to answer your question with all due respect. Really, I do. So, let me just get out the Big Rolodex o’ Fun and see if there isn’t somebody who can do that for me. Lessee…Albert Einstein? He’d be perfect, but, uhh, I think he may have passed on. Bertha Lamareux – hee hee hee. No. Ah, here we go. Perfect. Dr. Chip Grunvald of the Biggs-Macher Institute. I forwarded your question to him, and this was his reply:
hi.
I’m away on a semi-permanent, mutually agreed upon unpaid leave of absence from the biggs-Macher place where, until recently, I did goof work. At least, I thought my work was good. Clearly, I was missing some vital signs. If you have an important question that needs my immediate attention, well, I guess you’re just SOL, aren’t you?
Sincerely,
Chip Grunvald
late, Biggs-Macher Institute
Okay. The whole “asking an expert in the field for help answering the question” thing hasn’t working out the way it’s supposed to. So, what the hell, I asked Bertha Lamareux her opinion on the subject. And, I think you will agree that, at $3 a minute, it was worth every penny!
“Hello, sweetie. I understand you’re having trouble convincing a bunch of Philistines to appreciate the pristine beauty of celestial bodies like the rings of Uranus. Perhaps you should emphasize the sensuality of the rings’ curves – oooh, yeah! Real men love real curves, don’t you? Of course you do! It took the universe hundreds of millions of years to develop those curves, but – oh, baby! – I know you go for the mature type. Come on – don’t be shy – admit it – you love mature celestial bodies, don’t you, baby?
“If they still think dropping spent satellites into the rings is a good idea, tell your friends that real women don’t respect men who unnecessarily pollute the natural world. My experience has been that the threat of not getting laid really focuses the male mind!”
Whoa! Okay. I think that answer – you should pardon the expression – nailed it! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think I need a neutrino shower!
The Tech Answer Guy
If you are a dude with a question about the latest technology, ask The Tech Answer Guy by sending it to questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Just remember: you may think you know the Tech Answer Guy, but that doesn’t mean you do. He could have gone for the cheap Uranus joke, but he didn’t. The man has depths, okay? I’m just saying.