Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
I suffer from a condition that is common in situation comedies but rare ISL (in surreal life): Inappropriate Distanced Aqueous Ejection Syndrome (IDAES). In short: I do spit takes. I’m a spit taker. I spit. I take. At the same time. Water, coffee, Chateau Lafitenesstestes Rothschildinnamann – it doesn’t matter. If somebody startles me while I am drinking, I spray liquid in an expanding 10 to 15 foot radius. And, I’m as sensitive as a doe in a Dizznizzfizzlizzey movie. I mean, I’ve been known to expel liquids nine times while having a three minute snack!
My friends are very supportive of my condition. The speak softly and mute their cellphones when we’re at parties. They have taken mime classes in order to learn how to move more slowly, more deliberately. They know to wear rain slickers indoors when we go out for drinks. Really, they’re the best.
But, this COVID-19 thing, man! There are people going around randomly spitting on other people to…I don’t know what! Teach them to be more aware of their mortality and live in the moment? Remind them of the importance of healthy gums? Promote the umbrella industry? It’s crazy!
I’m worried that when things return to normal, people with IDAES will be stigmatized as Typhoid Terrys because of the actions of this small number of people who don’t even have it. Is there anything I can do to keep this from happening, or, if it does happen, minimize the damage to people like me, innocent victims of a terrible, terrible disease?
Sincerely,
Abraham from Onomatopoeia
Yo, Abe,
Honestly?
I had no…idea there was such a thing as IDAES! Do you have to – hee hee – carry a towel around wherever you go? Maybe, you should…you should…ha ha ha…get cards you can give to people you…syndrome all over. Of course, they would have to be – hee hee – have to be – haw haw – laminated! They would have to be lamina –
OWWW!
Phil, the mechanic from the shop down the street, just punched me in the arm! Hard! I – I’m not complaining. According to the Macho Code of Manliness, sucking up a playful punch in the arm earns you points that will help you get into Guy Heaven when you die. I was just…startled, is all. Taken unawares. Sort of like you when you…oooohhhh.
Phil, the mechanic from the shop down the street, is gooood. I always have to remember that he knows things.
So, okay. Only a handful of intentional spitting incidents have been reported in the United States of Vesampucceri – the good news is that the whole schemazzle might just be forgotten, like the Fleeglemeisterous Rebellion of 1923 or slavery. If that happens, you won’t have anything to worry about.
The bad news is that the spitters believe that they are making a political statement. I think they’re saying: “Vote Reduhblican or die!” Or, maybe: “COVID-19 is a hoax! Don’t believe the mainstream mouth liquid spewers!” Or, maybe: “Tip the canoe and your waitress, too!”It’s not a very clear statement – saliva isn’t a great communications medium.
Worse (although totally predictable): this position was supported by the President, who tweeped at 2:37 this morning: “The Foundering Fathers believed spitting was free speech – it’s right there in the 237th Amendment, people! oh, I love the constitution! How i love that document! You wouldn’t believe what’s in it!!! Freedom! To spit! That was what Vesampucceri was founded on! #freedomtolieaboutyourpoliticalenemiestoodontforget”
The validity of spit as speech may have to be adjudicated by the courts. In that case, oh oh. In an article for The Punxsutawney Law Review and Phil Watcher, Extreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugheylno mused, “To spew, or not spew. Could go either way. Let me consult my friends in The Federalist Society and get back to.”
Or, you could hope that, after 70 years of broadcast television, a cure for IDAES will finally be found.
The Tech Answer Guy
Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
I’m doomed, aren’t I? The weird politics of this moment has doomed me, hasn’t it?
Sincerely,
Abraham from Onomatopoeia
Yo, Abbie,
Have you considered moving to Europe? I hear they have a lot of spittoons there…
The Tech Answer Guy
If you are a dude with a question about the latest technology, ask The Tech Answer Guy by sending it to questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Just remember: “I’m Laverne and you’re Shirley – whatever you say bounces off me and makes you all squirrely” isn’t really an effective comeback when somebody has insulted you. The Tech Answer Guy can say this with some assurance because he is currently working on a book on effective comebacks, and will have a first draft in to his publisher just as soon as he gets his household chores done. So, get off his back, Chuck, because that new deck won’t stain itself!