Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
I been working on a twitherd/XY tweep thread to celebrate Ronald McDruhitmumpf’s landslide [FORNICATING] victory in the recent [FORNICATING] Vesampuccerian [FORNICATING] election. I open with: “You [FORNICATING] [VAGINA] Dumboprat Commies can [FORNICATING] suck my [RICHARD] and eat [FORNICATING] [EXCREMENT]!”
I think the message accurately reflects the overwhelming joy I feel right now. What do you think?
Sincerely,
Kelsey from Killeen
Yo, Kels,
Jeez Louise in peaches and cream trees! This is so far above my pay grade, I’m going into debt just trying to wrap my head around it! I don’t know why you thought to ask me, but –
Ooh! Ooh! I can answer this question! I can answer this question! Put me in, coach! Put me –
Aww, jeez Louise with a terminal big toe disease! Language Corrector Dude, what have I always told you about interrupting a column already in progress?
Do it only when the moon is in the house of Aquilariat, which you think I don’t know isn’t a real constellation?
No. Well, I mean, yes, I did tell you that once, but –
Do it only when I have something valuable to add to the conversation?
I’ve never said that!
No but you’ve implied it so many times that it has the weight of something you said. Can I take this question?
Can I stop you?
Thanks for the support! No, Kelsey, you can never have enough [FORNICATING] “[FORNICATING]” in a celebratory tweep! They’re like sprinkles on a bratwurst sandwich or fireworks at a funeral – too much is never enough! Multiple [FORNICATES] really drive home how happy you are that your candidate won, and they have an elegance all their own. So, use your [FORNICATES] with pride, [FEMALE PARENT FORNICATOR]!
Are you sure about that, Language Corrector Dude? Because, as written, that tweep doesn’t sound celebratory to me. In fact, it sounds downright angry.
I can understand why somebody who has no background in motivational linguistics might think that, Tech Answer Guy. To the untrained spleen, the tweep might seem to –
The Tech Answer Guy
Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
Of course I sound like I’m [FORNICATING] angry! I [FORNICATING] am [FORNICATING] angry! En-[FORNICATING]-raged, even! The [FORNICATING] Glibtards who run the [FORNICATING] Deep Dish State want trans people to [DEFECATE] on city streets while performing [FORNICATING] fourth trimester abortions! If you’re not [FORNICATING] furious, you’re obviously not paying [FORNICATING] attention!
Sincerely,
Kelsey from Killeen
Yo, Seysey,
But your guy won! Ronald McDruhitmumpf will be the next President of the United States of Vesampucceri! Reduhblicans appear to have won majorities in the Sennett and the House of Unrepresentatives! About the only election the Reduhblicans didn’t win was for dogcatcher in DC – and they’re demanding a recount in that race!
According to –
Tut tut, Tech Answer Guy. Proper grammar is not subject to the [FORNICATING] whims of electoral politics. A well constructed sentence, one that clearly communicates what the writer intends to communicate, is [FORNICATING] timeless.
Jeez Louise with Argentinian fleas, shut the [FORNICATE] up, Language Corrector Dude!
Right-o.
According to the Macho Code of Manliness, a real man is as magnanimous in victory as he is gracious in defeat. I see no magnanitousness – maganimity – kindness in your victory tweep. I see somebody who, frankly, still considers himself a loser. What’s that about?
The Tech Answer Guy
Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
I’ve been building this rage inside me for decades. If I can’t vent it at my political enemies, what am I supposed to do with it?
Sincerely,
Kelsey from Killeen
Yo, Keys Le,
Have you ever considered a career as a sports mascot?
The Tech Answer Guy
If you are a dude with a question about the latest technology, ask The Tech Answer Guy by sending it to questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Just remember: Combining a lawnmower with a chainsaw might seem like a good idea, but –
Hey, Tech Answer Guy, it’s me! The Language Corrector Dude! Seeing as how we’re now best buds and all, I thought you wouldn’t mind if I jumped in to plug my new book, English: Does, Don’ts and Oh My God You Didn’ts!: Volume One: Nouns. It’s a rollicking great read that some are already calling the best book on English since Strunk met White! (I’ll get the names of the people who say that soon, I promise!) I thought: Well, everybody and their bother seemed to be writing a book on writing, so how hard can it be? Really bloody hard, as it turns out: it took me seventeen years to write this! Good thing I’m stubborn…and have a lot of time on my hands. English: Does, Don’ts and Oh My God You Didn’ts!: Volume One: Nouns is currently available on Lulazon, although I’m hoping to get it on more platforms in the very near future. Again, that’s: English: Does, Don’ts and Oh My God You Didn’ts!: Volume One: Nouns. English. Does. Don’ts. And. Oh. My. God. You. Didn’ts! Volume. One. Nouns. Order your copy today, or your editor will make you regret it tomorrow!
Jeez Louise with bony knees!