Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
I don’t mean to say that my father was hard, but adamantium bows its head in respect every time he walks by. So much starch is used when he cleans his adult diaper that it could be a military drill sergeant. When he gets mad, an earthquake swallows a small Latin Vesampuccerian city.
But, he loves me. In his way. Which other people might mistake for contempt. Stupid other people.
Anyway. My dad has recently fallen on hard times. An evil bastard stole his job from him. With the help of a vast conspiracy. Evil bastard conspiracy. A lot of his friends – Cushyjoboman and Wakupinafield, Deutsche Bank, the Girl Scouts of Greater New Yoricknuhemwell – the Girl Scouts! You know, I never liked their cookies: they always tasted to me like rat poison between two sheets of cardboard – not that I’m bitter (although the cookies certainly are!) have abandoned him. He’s got debts to pay, and his accountants are popping Xanax like they were smarties.
Not only that, but malicious prosecutors are looking to maliciously prosecute him on charges that are a complete joke. A hoax. Fake news. He could spend the last few years of his life in court. Or, jail. Or…or…or, poverty.
It’s unthinkable, but it is very possible that he may not be able to pay me the allowance he has given me all of my adult life. How am I supposed to survive when the business he has been grooming me to lead has gone bankrupt? This is a disaster! I mean, don’t get me wrong, the possible jail time is bad, but this? This is a disaster!
How can I become a billionaire tech startup CEO?
Sincerely,
Ronald, Jr. from No Fixed Address
Yo, Ron Bon Bon,
The world of tech startups is way above the Tech Answer Guy’s pay grade (I’ll be honest: my pay has barely made it out of primary school). So, I asked Phil, the mechanic from the shop down the street, your question. Phil, whose religion of the wrench forbids him from acknowledging pay grades, knows stuff.
Phil, the mechanic from the shop down the street, says becoming the CEO of a tech startup is easy. You have an original idea for a technology. You build it in your garage. You impress a vulture capitalist, convincing him to give you some vulture capital so you can start producing the technology for the market. You develop a marketing strategy to persuade the public that your technology will change their lives for the better. When you start making a substantial profit, you sell the company to MicroSquish for more money than you ever dreamed of. Then, you start the process all over again with a new idea. Keep going until you have a billion dollars.
Phil, the mechanic from the shop down the street, wishes you the best of luck.
The Tech Answer Guy
Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
That sounds like it could take a lot of time. Like, years. I don’t have years. Maybe I didn’t make myself clear: I have a few days, maybe a couple of weeks if my father’s creditors are generous and his prosecutors are building an especially complicated case. I need to become a billionaire tech startup CEO now!
And, what’s the big idea about having an original idea for a technology? I haven’t had an original idea in my life! I think I may be allergic to original ideas – they make my skin break out, and my pristine complexion is my biggest asset! Can I buy an original idea on the internet? On credit – I’ll be good for it in a few days, once I’m a billionaire tech startup CEO.
Are you beginning to see the depth of my problem?
Sincerely,
Ronald, Jr. from Skid Ro – No, I Dare Not Think It!
Yo, Ronnie Big Sap,
Yes, I think I’m beginning to see the depth of your problem. You chose to be born to the wrong parents. Sorry, but at this point, there really is nothing anybody can do for you.
The Tech Answer Guy
If you are a dude with a question about the latest technology, ask The Tech Answer Guy by sending it to questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Just remember: it’s not the size of your framistat that counts, but what you do with it.