Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
Every Saint Safron Foer Day, my gramps Kareem is taken out of cryogenic stasis to eat traditional holiday fare like pumpkin bagels with smoked alfalfa sprouts and, of course, heart of musk ox in a hollandaise drip, and to tell us how much better life was when he was our age. You know what I’m talking about.
Shaving was so much better in the old days because you had a real feel for it when you had to do it by hand. It wasn’t like today, when you can genetically tweak your facial hair to be any length you want it to be (or quickly grow and cut itself at random intervals, all the rage in clubs these days).
Kids today got it easy. Wrestling carp was much better way back when because they didn’t have iCarpFishing apps for their prosthetic limbs.
And, don’t even ask about communications! Back in the Dark Ages of Gramps’ youth, they actually had to etch their messages in stone tablets before their computer email programmes would send them!
This year, I made the mistake of listening to my pPod at the dinner table. I thought I could drown Gramps out, but he just shouted, “Oh, yeah. In my day, music was better than that crap the young people listen to today!”
Is there any research that would prove that my Gramps is wrong about today’s music? Because, you know, I would love an excuse to argue that he should be left in cryogenic stasis until I’m older than he is so I could outrank him in the Things Were Better When I Was Young Sweepstakes!
Sincerely,
Kelvin Klamato from Dartmouth
Yo, Kelv,
I got good news and I got bad news. The good news is that there is research about the quality of popular music over time. The bad news is that it supports your grandfather’s claim that music was better when he was young.
Joan Serra and her team at the Spanish National Research Council (which sounds like something some crazed satirist made up – right? – but really does exist) built an artificial intelligence that analyzed all of the popular music produced over the last 50 years. They called the programme Streep Thought, after the actress/inventor of the nuclear powered Q-Tip – sorry, cotton swabnot TM.
When they asked Streep Thought if music was getting better or worse, the programme responded, “Difficult.” Then, 37 seconds later, it answered, “Worse.” When asked about its initial reaction, Streep Thought shrugged and replied, “I was trying to inject a little drama into the proceedings.”
“We obtained numerical indicators,” explained Serra, “that the diversity of transitions between note combinations – roughly speaking chords plus melodies plus sitar solos – has consistently diminished in the last 50 years.”
Serra’s findings support the Third Dunkin Donuts Hypothesis, which states that: “As corporate control over the music industry consolidates, all popular music will tend to the condition of The Spice Girls.” (This is, of course, a direct outgrowth of the Second Dunkin Donuts Hypothesis: “Maple glazed times strawberry crullers minus three donut holes equals the perfect dozen.”)
“That’s horse…shoes!” objected Mark Boingington, Executive Vice President of Objecting to Things of music giant 15649332 Botswana Ltd (a wholly owned subsidiary of MultiNatCorp – “We do musical stuff”). “Music is more diverse than it has ever been! We have…The Mace Girls…The – The Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme Girls, and…and…and The Animal Boys! The Animal Boys sold over 30 million copies of their debut album, and we hadn’t even chosen the group members yet! Don’t tell me that the music industry isn’t as vital and creative as it has ever been!”
Such objections notwithstanding (they don’t have the energy, so they sit in the first comfortable chair that they can find), the evidence seems pretty clear. Sorry, Kelv, but you’re SOL (spit over London).
The Tech Answer Guy
Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
I’ve been in the music industry since Bo Diddley rocked out of his diapers, and I have never seen an economic climate so hostile to musicians as the one facing us today. You want to know what the real problem is? Music piracy! That’s right! Piracy is
Sincerely,
Mark from Motown
Yo, Markie,
I’m gonna stop you right there so you don’t embarrass yourself. Have you heard about the work Joan Serra has been doing at the Spanish National Research Council?
The Tech Answer Guy
If you are a dude with a question about the latest technology, ask The Tech Answer Guy by sending it to questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Just remember: Red Green is a duct tape god. A duct tape god, I tell you!