Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
Our neighbours are good people. Kind people. They have never sold bootleg Little Big Man’s Planet DVDs to minors. They don’t bulldoze slum properties sending hundreds of people to live on the streets in Get a Life…not with their official avatars, in any case. They still feed their Tamagotchis long after the rest of the world has moved on to another generation of fad technologies. Or, five.
However, in the dozens of times Krffplitz and Mbellonium have entertained us over the last 15 years, all they’ve ever served for dinner is orange glop with lumpy bits. My wife, Edwina, assured me that this was different from the green glop with lumpy bits that she used to serve when we were first married, and I must admit that it has an aftertaste of plutonium that never graced my wife’s cooking. We strongly suspect our neighbours are serving us a vegetarian dish, although we have both wondered, without telling the other, if it may, in fact, be alien food.
Regardless of what the FBI lab ultimately says it is, my wife and I are agreed that we do not want to eat our neighbours’ meals any more. We have tried to deal with this matter without actually, you know, being honest about how we feel. In case they’re sensitive about it, you understand. I’ll never forget that aftertaste of plutonium. Never.
Once, we brought t-bones to their house as a treat; not only did our neighbours look at the steaks like they had never seen such a thing before, but, a couple of days later, we found Krffplitz using them to wash his car.
Another time, we offered to take our neighbours out for dinner. Despite the fact that they seemed enthusiastic about a night out, no matter what we suggested – Chinese, Thai, Stockholm archipelagoan – they refused. In the end, we went to a place that they raved about and, wouldn’t you know it, it was probably the only place in town – if not this side of the galaxy – that specialized in orange glurp.
We don’t want to hurt our neighbours feelings. They’re kind people. Decent people. People who may have ray guns. But, if we have to eat any more orange goop, my wife and I may just have to burn their house down. What should we do?
Sincerely,
Eldon from Edmonton
Yo, Eldon,
Ordinarily, the Tech Answer Guy refers all questions not relating to technology to the Department of Circular Filing, if you catch his (meaning: my) drift. However, today is your lucky day, because it just so happens that one of the exceptions to this rule that he (meaning: I) makes is for questions involving meat or meat products; and, in any case, this question has special relevance for him (meaning: me) because he (meaning: what, do I have to repeat myself?) has some personal experience that might be relevant here.
I’m not allowed to divulge any details until all of the lawsuits have made their way through the tailors, but, I can say that in a situation similar to yours, the Tech Answer Guy faked food poisoning.
It was actually pretty easy once I got the idea. I just stayed home for a couple of days and, the next time my friends asked me and Mrs. The Tech Answer Guy to dinner, I pointed out that they had given me food poisoning the last time I ate there. After that, they felt so guilty that they were putty in my hands (an unfortunate choice of metaphor considering that that’s what the food they served us tasted like).
Mrs. The Tech Answer Guy thought the whole thing was suspicious: “I don’t remember you throwing up or anything,” she pointed out. I told her I wretched quietly because I didn’t want to interrupt her watching Coronation Street. She had always said that she had wanted The Tech Answer Guy to be more considerate of her feelings, so what could she do? She melted.
Some people may find my methods a little…extreme. However, extremism in the pursuit of meat is no vice, if you know what the Tech Answer Guy (meaning: the Tech Answer Guy) means!
The Tech Answer Guy
If you are a dude with a question about the latest technology, ask The Tech Answer Guy by sending it to questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Just remember: burning down a neighbour’s house is not an action that should be taken lightly. Be sure to use safety matches.