Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
For a number of years, now, I have been having these vivid nightmares about Steve McGarrett chasing down a serial killer: cholesterol. Towards the – the number, by the way, was 17. Towards the end of the dream, he corners the killer and gives the classic line: “eBook ’em, Danno.” But, they get the wrong waxy steroid of fat! They arrest the good kind of cholesterol instead of the evil kind!
Ever since the dreams started, I have been…hesitant to barbecue red meat.
There was the time a couple of years back when I was forced to take over for my older brother, Trony (the n is silent), who had come down with a nasty case of roof rot just as the burgers needed to be flipped on the grill. The ensuing – a couple meaning seven. The ensuing events have come to be known throughout the family as “the chipotle incident.” Although everybody ultimately survived (although some would never be able to simultaneously walk and listen to the Beach Boys again) and all the charges were dropped, my problem with barbecuing was laid bare for everybody in the family to see. It was years – five – before I could show my face at another family gathering.
I was seriously considering turning in my tongs and “kiss the stupid, chef” apron when I read about this meat that was grown in vats – no actual cows were involved! The meat was created with extra vitamins and low cholesterol! Could it be true? Was artificial lab meat the solution to my barbecuing abashedness?
I had to break into Grummeau-Ceti Labs, the research wing of The Future Lies in Plastics, LLC, to find out because there were no plans to market the meat to the public. And, as I stood there with the test tube steak in my hands, alarm bells going off around me, I knew I had found the solution to my red meat timidity. I knew then and there that I could look the son I never had straight up the nose and say, “Come on, kid. We got us some barbecuing to do!”
This just leaves me with one problem. Should I cook the vat grown steaks with Hunt’s Bold BBQ sauce, or go straight for the Bull’s Eye Grilled Onion and Garlic Showdown?
Sincerely,
Troy from Troy
Yo, Troy,
That’s saccri – saccharine – no, sacred legs – sacre…bleu – sacre bleu, that’s sacrilege! Not only that, but it’s just wrong!
Our ancestors used to slaughter living animals and smear themselves with the animal’s blood before roasting the gutted carcasses over an open fire. Okay, we’ve come a long way since then, and I recognize that Sunday afternoon football isn’t really a compensation for not smearing ourselves with the blood of our kill. Still, smearing yourself with agar from a Petri dish is even further away from our hunter/gatherer ancestors!
Let me put it this way: lab grown steaks taste of scientific hubris, and that’s not something that can be masked with even the strongest barbecue sauce!
Still not convinced? Chew on this: the Massachusetts Institution of Technology’s Digital Cuisine Programme recently conducted a blind taste test of cow-bred steak and test tube-bred steak. The result? Nine out of 10 participants wanted their sight back. When they were told that that wasn’t possible, six out of the nine hated the artificial meat. So, there you go.
Besides, the Tech Answer Guy prefers Grumpy’s Goodnight Loving Barbecue Sauce. Any regular reader would know that!
The Tech Answer Guy
Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
I…I don’t know how to say this but…a friend of mine once offered me a piece of test tube created back bacon. I figured it would taste horrible and that would be the end of that little culinary experiment, but, instead, I liked it. I liked it a lot. Now, I’ve got a six rasher a day habit that I just can’t break. Okay, honestly, I don’t want to break. That’s right: I now prefer back bacon grown in a test tube to the real thing.
Oh, Tech Answer Guy, is there any hope for me?
Sincerely,
Troi from Troy
Yo, Troi,
You are, indeed, a lost soul. The next time I’m barbecuing out back, I shall pray for you.
The Tech Answer Guy
If you are a dude with a question about the latest technology, ask The Tech Answer Guy by sending it to questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Just remember: Just because you can make just about anything tasty if you soak it in the right marinade and cook it on a grill doesn’t mean that you should.