Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
Rooting around the Internet the other day – not unlike a pig snuffling out truffles, but without the pulsating air of pusillanimity or nose ring – I came across a site that I thought would be perfect for me.
The Alpha Network promised “Adult intercourse.” Well! Imagine my delight! I work in the Ministry of Recondite Reeducation, where adult intercourse consists of talking about last night’s air hockey game, which is especially galling because nobody seems to realize that the season ended a month and a half ago! Honestly, I get more intellectual stimulation from my budgie, and Pookie gets all of her wisdom from Atlas Shrugged!
I decided to jump right in – after all, $2.99 a minute for intellectual stimulation is a steal! Uhh, maybe that’s not the best – let’s go with bargain. Yes. For adult intellectual intercourse, $2.99 looked like a bargain!
I started by choosing a woman with glasses – they made her look really smart. And, bananafofana27 – well, it sounded whimsical with a touch of salsa (hot because I have lower respiratory issues). When I started a “private” session with her, I was barely able to type out an introductory sentence about the dialectic before she took off her top and started rubbing her breasts in a most un-Hegelian manner!
Needless to say, I fled that virtual place forthwith. I did not, however, give up on my quest for adult intellectual stimulation. My next choice was an older woman named iMoon. I thought I might engage her in a discussion of how the discovery of the Higgs boson would affect our understanding of the origin of the universe. To my chagrin, as soon as we started our private session, she took her knickers off and stuck her fanny in the camera! When I insisted we discuss the Higgs boson, she cheekily responded: “I’m not familiar with that position.”
I tried several other women, but was frustrated by their lack of interest in the service they were purported to be offering. ConfucianMistress didn’t want to compare justice systems – she stuck a fortune cookie in her – well, a gentleman does not discuss such things. I thought I might have a stimulating debate on fluid dynamics with dizzy057damsel, but, after taking off her clothes, she spun until she lost her balance. In desperation, I tried SexxyyyTeenn, figuring that the creative spelling of her name indicated an interest in Baudrillardian deconstruction. She was creative, I’ll give her that!
Adult intercourse, indeed! I shall have to complain to the Manager of the Internet about that bit of false advertising! In the meantime, can you suggest a Web site where I can engage delightful young women in mutually satisfying adult intellectual stimulation?
Sincerely,
Monty from Montreal
Yo, Montgomery,
The Language Corrector Dude was looking over my shoulder while I read your email and suggested that you are confusing the words “intercourse” and “discourse.” No biggie – The Tech Answer Guy is notorious for confusing the words “transmission” and “get off my lawn you mangy curs!”
It happens.
The good news is that the Internet, like the sea, will cough up what you need if you just know where to look. In your case, I would suggest you look at The Omega Network. I think you’ll find that it’s better than combing through driftwood for something that looks like Mother Teresa.
The Tech Answer Guy
Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
I went to this Web site called The Omega Network the other day looking for a little ass – I mean, I’m actually a big ass man – by which I don’t mean that I have a big ass, I mean I like women with big – you see where I’m going with this, right? Yeah, okay, I think I got my point across. Eventually.
Anydrwho, none of the women I tried to connect to would show me their big you knows – they just wanted to talk about Gehelian dialectism or some such crap. I wasted over 100 bucks before I realized I wasn’t gonna get what I wanted out of them. Can you suggest a Web site where I can get on with getting off? Or, getting it on, even? Really. Either one will do.
Sincerely,
Boris from Boston
Yo, Bors,
Do you boys talk amongst yourselves before you email me with your problems?
The Tech Answer Guy
If you are a dude with a question about the latest technology, ask The Tech Answer Guy by sending it to questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Just remember: the reason I don’t give overpriced three day seminars at hotels near the airport during the off-season is because of all of the standing. And, the yapping. The standing and yapping. Real men are to be found on a couch, reticent as a clam in a six speed blender. Standing and yapping – baah!