Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
What goes good with blood?
Sincerely,
Vlad from Tara Motilar, Transylvania
Yo, V-lad,
This is a good question. According to the Macho Code of Manliness (MCM), manly men must spend at least 37 per cent of their free time (defined as: “…time not at work but not including time spent on relationships, because, you know, waddya gonna do?”) brawling in bars, tracking down serial killers at great personal cost to themselves or being gored by bulls in Pamplona (which, if memory serves, is a suburb of Detroit). As you can imagine, getting blood on your clothes is a regular part of the experience of being a man.
I have found that a good way to offset blood stains that favour one side of a shirt is to spill wine on the other side. If you do it with enough care, you can get a red Rorschach pattern thing going. Then, when friends ask, “What the hell…?” you can respond, “What the hell does it look like?” Then, they’ll go, “Oh. Umm. Well, let me ponder this for a moment…” Well moderated, the ensuing discussion can last for hours without once touching on the issue of your personal hygiene.
You may have heard that a combination of lemon oil, Worsetoshi – Worthoghire – barbecue sauce and fairy dust can get blood out of clothes. The evidence is inconclusive, but that may be beside the point: the Strategic Fairy Dust Reserves have been depleted by years of governments that insisted lowering taxes would increase government revenues, and grinding your own fairies is both backbreaking work and more than a little disgusting. Because of this, fairy dust, like justice, is only available to the very rich.
Some people, knowing that they are about to engage in activities which will result in punctured flesh (including bare-knuckled boxing, bronco busting and defending the theory of evolution in a room full of Evangelicals), will wear red clothes to conceal the blood. I cannot begin to explain why this is a bad idea that will not wor
The Tech Answer Guy
Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
Ah, no. Thank you for what some people will, I am sure, find fascinating and useful information, but, actually, that was not what I had intended to ask. Please forgive me: when you have lived for over 900 years, you your communication tends to get somewhat terse.
I am having a dinner party for a few of my undead friends next week. I have several bottles of blood on ice for the occasion, but, you know, after a century or two, blood served neat starts to become a little…stale. Predictable. Not at all tasty any more. I have tried various mixers – blood and Coke was an especially disgusting concoction, and not in a good way – but none of them worked. Olives get gummy when soaked in blood, and onions become nearly impossible to peel.
So, in this context, what goes good with blood?
Sincerely,
Vlad from Tara Motilar, Transylvania
Yo, V-Lad,
Oh. Yeah. Of course. I knew that. Course I did.
I would recommend freshly extracted yak’s eyes. I am told that they are delicious when soaked for 3.7 seconds in blood, and the fact that they always appear to be looking directly at the drinker will add just the right frisson of creepiness to your event.
Of course, when I say I, I mean Angus Winchester, esteemed British mixologist and used battery art curator.
I/Angus Winchester have also found that turpentine makes the perfect mixer. Portuguese gum turpentine can add an exotic flavour to your party drinks, although some purists will insist that only Winsor Newton turp (I dated its sister a couple of times and we’ve remained friends, so I can call it that) makes the perfect cocktail. Tastes will vary, of course, but ideally you want something powerful enough to strip the paint off a harvester during milking season. If that’s too strong for some of your guests, DS Super Eco Remover paint thinner has a charming bouquet and forms drops in blood that should tickle their palates.
The Tech Answer Guy
If you are a dude with a question about the latest technology, ask The Tech Answer Guy by sending it to questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Just remember: if men followed the dictum “Don’t mock what you don’t know,” our conversation would be reduced to, “Pass the pretzels,” and “Sorry about the blood…” Women might want to think carefully before they demand this of us!