Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
I’m an Ideas Fairy (what used to be called a Product Designer in simpler times) for Matthew and Sons Novelty. My specialty is our very successful line of serial killer paperweights. The full-figure Ted Bundy paperweight with the phrase “Ever have one of those days?” on the base was our best-seller last year and won several industry awards, although the bust I did of Peter Manuel with the phrase “Hang in there!” on the base is the work I’m most proud of.
I was working on an Andrei Chikatilo paperweight when I had something of a creative block. I knew I wanted to use a phrase that started, “Life is like a…” but I didn’t know how to end it. “…photograph of a trip you didn’t really enjoy without a frame?” “…delayed train car full of obnoxious, sweaty children, half of whom seem to be suffering from an illness that forces them to sneeze in your direction?” “…half full box of tissue?” “… frame without a photograph of you on a trip whether you enjoyed it or not?” “…euphemism that sounds profound but, upon further thought, is superficial and not especially enlightening?”
To solve this problem, I borrowed the company Thinking CapTM.
In case you missed the write-up in Scientific Yugoslavian, the expose on 44 Minutes, 30 Seconds or the Burger King sippy cup tie-in, the Thinking CapTM uses electrical impulses to suppress neuronal activity in the left (Ricky Bobby) hemisphere of the brain. This is the part of the brain that regulates knowledge of what we think we know; quitening its activity opens us up to thinking in new, creative ways.
The solution to my creative problem (“…a bag of nuts, and I’m allergic!”) came within seconds of using the Thinking CapTM. Before its effects wore off an hour later, I had solved three classical mathematical problems, created a new Parcheesi opening and was halfway to finding a path forward to peace on the set of Community, but the best part? I didn’t care.
I didn’t care that my son Boris was addicted to Pokemon body spray and conditioner. I didn’t care that my wife was having an affair with a millionaire Latvian sheep herder. I didn’t care that my other son, Feivel, fantasized about being a mouse. I didn’t care that I had grown out of touch with popular culture. Whatever spurred my creativity had dampened my emotional affect.
And, I wanted more.
I soon found myself pretending to be creatively blocked even when I wasn’t in order to have an excuse to borrow the Thinking CapTM. This worked for a few weeks, but then demand for the technology started to grow. I had to book it a day in advance. Then a week. Then – well, the waiting list is now eight months long. EIGHT MONTHS! At first, I thought that my fellow workers wanted the Thinking CapTM for the same reason I did, but rumour around the company is that management is hogging the creativity enhancer for itself. Relations at the firm have gotten so bad that we are seriously thinking of forming a union!
But, that’s not important. I…I don’t think I can go eight months with…my normal emotions. Is there anything I can do?
Sincerely,
Yevgeny from Yemen
Yo, Yevvy…uhh, Vegen? Err, no, how about…Gene? Yeah, Gene.
Yo, Gene,
There’s a simple solution for your problem. It’s called a brick to the head. Bricks are easy to come by, relatively inexpensive and don’t require a 37 page owner’s manual to operate. Admittedly, they aren’t the easiest responsibility diminishment technology to apply, especially if you’re squeamish or from Vancouver. But, once you clear that hurdle, it’s clear wassailing.
If becoming a practicing Gumby is not for you (I’m not judging your religious convictions, I’m just saying), a more traditional approach to forgetting your woes would be to go to your local tavern and not walk out until you are physically incapable of walking. Drinking to forget one’s troubles has been a tradition since the 1940s, and if it was good enough for our distant uncles, it should be good enough for us!
What I’m getting at is that these days we often reach for sophisticated technological solutions to our problems when time-honoured traditions will serve us just as well. We should stop doing that.
The Tech Answer Guy
If you are a dude with a question about the latest technology, ask The Tech Answer Guy by sending it to questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Just remember: fuggedaboudit!